


I'll write your name

by femaletodd



Category: Gintama
Genre: Dubious Content, Epilogue coming soon, Explicit Sexual Content, High School AU, Inappropriate Humor, Jealous!Gintoki, M/M, Some out-of-character moments, drama in the middle, there's a lot of cursing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 16:22:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 68,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5592964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/femaletodd/pseuds/femaletodd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a fault in my code; a stain in my roots; a blank space in my heart. Maybe, if I write your name there, the static, the noises, the rise and fall of the earth won't touch me anymore.</p><p>In simpler words, Sakata Gintoki is the history teacher of class III-A at Lake Toya High School, trying to get through life with minimum effort and twice the gain. In comes a transfer from Osaka, sullen, smart and unreasonably on his case all the time.<br/>Sparks fly.<br/>Maybe, something magical happens. Or maybe, nothing happens at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Initiation or that kid from Ass-sucka

Gintoki slowly came to when a paper ball bumped his forehead and fell over in his lap. He blinked out of his slumber, reaching a hand up to his forehead and running it through his hair.

He covered a big yawn erupting out of his mouth, giving a one-eyed inspection at his class from under his glasses.

They were a boisterous bunch as usual, each and every one of them busy chattering amongst themselves like he wasn't even there.

Katsura’s strange relative or friend, " _Elizebeth_ ", was there, once again sticking out like a sore thumb in his white duck-faced mascot costume.

Kagura’s argument with Shinpachi had escalated into a full-on brawl and she was sitting on top of him, shoving her pinky in his face as he cringed (knowing Kagura probably because she had something gross on it).

Tsukuyo was unabashedly smoking in the middle of the classroom, the top three buttons of her uniform shirt open as she sat back on her seat, her legs resting on the desk in front of her.

Sarutobi Ayame was playing some kind of bizarre peekaboo with some unknown person behind the curtains and Kondou was standing in front of the board doodling hearts and the name ‘Otae’ over and over like an idiot.

Gintoki put his elbow against the desk and rested his face on his palm as he watched the disturbingly lovesick look on Kondou’s face. If he were a normal teacher, he would probably stand up, scold the student to sit back in his seat or even just sigh at the sight before him but he really wasn't normal.

This was how it usually went in this problematic class that Gintoki was responsible of and he didn't try very hard to change the situation.

One philosophy that he had believed in from birth was work less, gain more. That's how he did things. For the teaching certificate, he did have to do his fair share of hard work but he had noticed early on that students just didn't listen to what he said.

So he rarely lectured but he gave them enough homework so they could do it themselves.

When Mid-term and Final exams came around, students would have to come to him for revision and help. So he gave two hour instructions for a week before exams for an extra price and culled profit in two ways: by having all his students performing well at the end of the term (which was what really mattered to Principal Otose) and gaining sweet bribes like parfait, cakes and candies.

The idea was that the idiots of the class never paid attention in class and they were the ones who would become the most panicked at times of exams and at that point of adrenaline-fueled stressful environment, their attention to the subject would become concentrated and that's how they learned.

Nobody learned much in forty-five minute classes anyway. The real learning started when there was focus. Well, that's how he saw it. Many disagreed and poked holes at his theories, but it was the way things worked for him.

It was while he was contemplating life in general that a thud announced a new arrival in the room. His sleep-bleary eyes blinked and swerved to the door with disinterest only to find a tall, six foot something student with short black hair (what stood out from other details was that one bang in the middle was bigger than the rest on either side of his forehead) standing there with his lean shoulders hunched over as if in defense.

He was wearing the school uniform— black stiff-collared blazer over the typical white undershirt and he stood there with one hand clenched around the strap of his backpack and his head bent down low enough that Gintoki couldn't see his face or his eyes.

What Gintoki did see was that beside the unfamiliar student stood Tae Shimura, the homeroom teacher of III-B class (the next class over) and she was filling up his classeoom with a menacingly frightening and imposing aura.

She was smiling but there was nothing sweet about it.

Some of his students quieted down. Others, not so much.

Kondou yelled, looking ecstatic: “Otae-sensei!”

Shinpachi stopped yelling at Kagura to cut it out and called out from under Kagura's legs: “Older sister?”

Ayame rolled out of her hiding place clumsily and fell onto the floor with a thunk. Her glasses came off and dropped quite a ways away from where she lay. Then, as if she was being successfully sneaky, she crouched on all her fours and tried to search for her glasses by randomly touching here and there.

Of course they were panicked. Of course, they stopped doing whatever they wanted.

Just because Gin handled his class in a loose manner didn't mean other teachers were loose as well. Some were strict, some were moderate and some were Otae-sensei: unbelievably passive-aggressive.

She would keep a pleasant smile to put people at ease and when somebody did anything to piss her off (like talk in her class or call her flat-chested even), she would pull the wrath of hell on that person.

There existed only extremes with her.

Gintoki didn't like to interact with her much because she didn't discriminate who she took her anger out on and most of the time, when he talked, he really put his foot in his mouth. Whether it be teacher or student, she didn't discriminate and they all fell victims to her fists of “love” (as Kondou called it) eventually. He had been beaten enough times by her to know not to mess with her.

The realization finally hit him about why the two people were in this class to begin with as he recalled a conversation he had with Otose-san a few days ago:

" _A new student is transferring to your class on Wednesday. Be sure to pick him up at the administration office before your first period with class III-A."_

He rested a hand over the back of his head and stood up hastily. Looking at the two of them with a hint of unease, he scratched his head, a sheepish smile covering his lips.

“Ah, I forgot.” He admitted, slightly abashed he had forgotten but not really that sorry. The kid was here, wasn't he? That was all that mattered, right?

When Otae kept smiling like everything was daisies and rainbows, he knew for the fact that no, that wasn't all that mattered. He was gonna get beaten for sure.

His smile fell as he tried to think of a way to escape from a situation that could very well deescalate into his impending doom.

 _Maybe, I could escape through the window_. He thought in panicked haste. It looked safe. It was just the third floor. If he landed just right, he may only sprain his ankle. Or his butt.

But before he could make a decision about how to escape, Otae’s voice rang through the room like a dong:

“Gin-san,”

Her voice raised goosebumps on his arms. He flinched and straightened his spine in trepidation. “There’s a limit to the things--” Her eyebrow ticked and a shiver courses through his spine. “--you can forget--” Her smile spasmed and he could hear a few gasps coming from his students, which freaked him out all the more. “--as you don’t do much of anything to keep you busy anyway.”

Was that a backhanded insult or a direct insult?

Whatever, he could take it. He could take anything as long as she didn’t come near him with that chinese antique type spear he knew she kept in their staff room.

He guffawed, brushing the comment off like it was nothing and felt his eyes go everywhere at once, with his mind on the fast track to finding a solution for this thick tension.

His students were giving him unhelpful, blank looks, probably enjoying seeing him so panicked and his eyes returned to Otae and with a flinch, roved over a little to the left of her and suddenly, a ping was sounding off in his head exactly like a cartoonish light bulb.

A calm set over him.

“Sorry about that,” He apologized insincerely, his gaze fixed on the prize. He walked over to the new student, pulled him with an arm around the shoulder, dragging him chummily close.

“But now that this guy is here, I can introduce him to the class. There’s no need to make a fuss, you know. No harm done.” Stretching his mouth wide and his eyes crossed in an impossibly difficult act of gentleness, he was sure to say: "Thank you for bringing him here. I couldn't have done it without you, Otae-sensei."

A great big laugh launched out of him from which his apprehensiveness was probably leaking out, but he couldn't stop the laugh or there would only be a deadly silence in-between. He caught a glimpse of her face as she forced herself to relax and found himself sighing internally with relief.

Good. It was working.

Her shoulders dropped and her clenched fists opened as she hurtled a fatalistic fake smile his way but this one was a little like she was trying to say: ' _this is the last time I’m dealing with your careless shit so you better think a hundred times before you put your responsibilities on me’._

Or it could actually be one of her ‘ _I’m-Gonna-Beat-You-Up-Later-You-Just-Wait_ ’ smiles but he couldn’t be sure.

Even if they were weird teachers (and you would find all kinds of those in Lake Toya High School), they still knew fighting in front of students was— well, it wasn’t good.

“Alright, then,” Otae implicitly understood that and maybe, that's why her menace took a complete turn despite him knowing she was holding back. Walking to the doorway, she paused, gave him another threatening look and said: “Make sure you introduce him. If you don’t…” she gave a last warning glance and left.

The class was quiet even a few minutes after the door closed behind her (all pansies the lot of them but they were right to be scared by that deranged woman). He turned with two fingers rubbing his forehead, his forced smile withering and the flat cynicism quickly replacing the cheeriness squinting his eyes.

_What a drag._

“We have a transfer?” asked Shinpachi, breaking the awkwardness and directing the class’ attention to something other than his older sister.

“Err, yeah.” Gintoki answered and leaned into the new transfer student's ear, whispering: “Hey, what was your name again?”

From the minute the student entered this class with hunched shoulders and clenched fists to this moment right here, Gintoki has been under the mistaken impression that the transfer was a shy one who probably wasn’t going to give him any problems.

He actually preferred the shy ones since with their weak voices came low self-esteem and lack of attitude. They were the easiest to handle because they sought approval from authority figures the most. He counted himself lucky that finally, among these bad fruits, there’d be one good one.

 _It’s a miracle!_ The thought must have crossed his mind right before he found himself to be the unwitting target (victim, really! he was a victim!) of the most scathing, evil-eyed glare he had ever had the displeasure to not know.

“Let go of me, old man.” The student demanded gruffly, as if somehow Gintoki had done him some unnameable injustice.

When really, the victim of injustice was Gintoki here.

“Huh?” Gintoki breathed out, dumbfounded to the point of gawking down at the boy in disbelief.

There was one thing Gintoki didn’t brag about but was really good at— and that was reading people. He was clever, you know.

Really.

“I said--” The boy’s eyes flared with clear animosity and he shrugged Gin’s arm off of him forcefully, pushing away. “Let go,”  He brushed at his shoulder, like he was dusting off dirt from his uniform and gave him an impudent glare. “You stink,”

“Wha--” Gin felt a surge of anger at the sudden switch in behavior— and mostly, at how he was fooled. Why was he fooled in the first place? What about— what about looking into the boy’s slate-blue, sharp eyes made him so mad he couldn’t breathe for want of punching the next object in his line of sight?

He crossed his arms, trying to emulate his posture to one of an authoritative teacher.

“Listen, kid. I don't know what side of bed you've crawled out of, but you're being a rude little shit.” He said gruffly as he eyed a few kids snickering in their seats and the transfer giving him an unimpressed look of all things!

Sure, his students didn’t always treat him like an elder figure but this was above and beyond. _The nerve of this boy—_

“And while I accept that some of the time from some of these students, there are special occasions where I allow a little mouth but this is, I know for the fact, our first meeting so could you not ruin our chances of having a good relationship?” 

The transfer snorted, shaking his head. “Wasn’t it you who ruined the chance of a good relationship?”

_When?! When did I do that?!_

Gintoki felt like his vein would pop out right where his forehead was like they showed in anime. 

“What's your name, anyway?” He demanded, impatience and discontent making him tap his foot.

“You're supposed to know my name,” informed the kid like the major smartass he thought he was. “They send that stuff to you, don’t they?”

Why did it sound like the kid was trying to pick a fight with him? There was a look to his arctic blue eyes that felt prodding, like he was physically shoving at him, trying to provoke a reaction out of Gintoki.

It didn't make sense.

“Well, I forgot." He conceded without remorse,  his hands curling around his waist as he looked at the kid with narrow eyes. "People do that sometimes, can you try to forgive and forget, huh? I’m only human, you know.”

The new student’s mouth tipped up in amusement. “You seem to forget a lot, it seems.”

Gintoki’s eyebrows ticked up and down.

This kid really was something. He heard a few students giggling.

_Okay, this has gone on long enough._

He grabbed the kid's collar, yanking him to eye level, until the boy’s shoes were stretched upward and he could view the boy’s surprised gaping up close and personal. The expression on the transfer’s face— for the first time since they met— split open like a porcelain mask cracked open and minute-by-minute, he could _see past it all._

He didn’t expect Gintoki would do that, did he?

Gin’s teeth bared as his manic grin unraveled out of the depths of hell where it slept most of the time and he began:

“You seem to be under the impression that I take shit from people and don’t give it back in return." Coal-black locks of the transfer jostled as Gintoki spoke and shook him. "You couldn’t be more wrong. That Otae?" Gintoki gestured at the doorway, affixing the boy with a stern glare. The eyes of the transfer were open like a scar with a trace of light running across them that made them look almost dewy. "She’s scarier than she looks, that’s why I was willing to respect her wishes and do what she needed, but _you_?"

He looked carefully at the boy's face, assessing his features one at a time as he intuitively guessed: "You’re playing tough but I can see you’re a nervous wreck so why don’t you cut the bullshit before I do something really un-teacherly and kick you where it really hurts?”

For a moment, the boy's body remained frozen in his hold. Then, Gintoki noticed a movement from the corner of his eyes and starting at the tip of the kid’s finger, he observed a slight quiver.

_Huh?_

Was he right, by some chance?

Dark grey-blue eyes shifted somewhere else, the kid's face dulling a little as he faced away from Gintoki and then, somehow, Gintoki saw it all.

The reveal behind the mask— the bravado— the facade. He’d ripped it up and thrown it out the window for the boy and now there was no way out.

For either of them.

There was a fleeting second _after_ — after the flood of his infuriation and the gobsmacking reveal— that he was struck with a baseless urge to comfort the boy and he regretted letting his temper get the best of him.

Which was unusual of him.

He didn't regret.

 _Regret isn’t for people like me._ A dark, harrowing voice resembling his reminded him.

“Gin-san,” called out Kagura’s childish, doll-like voice, cutting the tension between them with her easy words: “You’re not supposed to threaten students, you know. It’s unprofessional.”

He let go of the transfer’s collar, thankful of an excuse to pull back and away.

That... what just happened, it really had been... _too much._

“Shut up," He gruffed out, facing the classroom once again. This was familiar territory. Audacious students being completely disregarding of his authority and saying whatever the hell they wanted. "I already told you I don’t care if I’m professional or not.” 

“Oh right, I forgot you demand nasty bribes from little girls when they come to you for help with course subject.” Kagura gave a snort, giving him an icy glare.

“Hey, that’s completely uncalled for. And you’re making me sound like a pervert, damn you.” He scoffed, continuing the banter because the sense of normalcy was returning. He ignored the transfer student deliberately. “Don’t twist what I do to match your fantasy, brat. And you’re a hundred years too early-- no actually, an infinity multiplied by infinity years too early for me. In other words, never ever in a million years!”

“Well, she’s not wrong, you know. You do take bribes from little girls.” Tsukuyo commented, tittering. Gintoki eyed her with a “Bitch, please” frown that she dismissed with a bat of her eyelash and a sly once-over of Gin’s body.

Was she flirting with him or trying to gauge for ways to kill him, he could never tell with that girl.

“Ugh, I take parfaits, cakes and candies as bribes.” pointed out Gintoki, glowering at the lot of them. “Don’t try to make me sound like a pervert to the new student, he already doesn’t have a good impression of me.”

The class laughed in unison at his expense, a few starting to speak up once again and he relaxed a little, looking on at the noisy bunch with a little fondness. They were a problematic class but he liked that they were fearless.

He glanced at the boy still standing by his side, who was eying his new classmates with something like dread in his eyes and Gintoki sighed.

“I’m sorry about the whole thing,” he muttered in a low, petulant voice so nobody but the transfer student could hear him. The boy paused his survey of the class and side-eyed him. “They’re a weird group, but they’re good people. I think you’ll fit right in, kid.”

He gave a big, warm, reassuring smile.

“My name’s Hijikata Toushirou,” the boy announced quick and abrupt, “Don’t ever call me kid, you perverted asshole.”

And then, the transfer named Hijikata Toushirou careened off into the student’s side with complete ease, like he hadn’t experienced what looked to be a moment of social anxiety.

God, the lengths kids went to, to deny they ever felt vulnerable.

Gin crossed his arms and watched as Kondo snatched hold of the boy’s shoulder, laughing like an idiot. Hijikata shrugged the guy off, but found himself failing as Kondo’s energy came in bounds and leaps and he never ran out of something if he set his mind to it.

Also, because despite being kind of a clueless moron, he was very good at catching a surly boy’s loneliness in one glance. Guys like this Hijikata kid— especially ones who projected a tough-bravado while running a half-tank empty of love— needed someone like Kondo, who was unusually an expert at drawing people out of their protective shell by being an oblivious, unthreatening idiot.

Kagura and Shinpachi were also, watching the interaction between those two with slight worry.

“Cut it out, Kondo-san. You’re going to choke him if you keep doing that.” Gin heard Shinpachi say.

“Yeah, Gorilla. I bet you don’t even realize your strength, you big Gorilla.” Kagura insulted.

“What, why’d you call me Gorilla two times? Isn’t it enough to call me Gorilla once? Why twice? Have I done anything to you, Kagura-chan? Why do you hate me?”

“You disgust me,” jeered Kagura.

”That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?” Shinpachi said with a nervous laugh.

“Whaa---”

“You asshole,” Hijikata finally recovered from getting his breath back after suffering from Kondou’s choke-hold and knocked him on his head. “You could have killed me!”

“Buuuut!! I just wanna to be friends with you, Toshi!!” cried Kondou dramatically.

“Toshi?” repeated Hijikata while rubbing a hand around his neck. He frowned. “You could have just asked, didn’t have to bring me to the verge of death.”

“I’m sorry! Didn’t mean to hurt you! Are you okay?”

Kondou laid his head on Hijikata’s shoulder and wept while the transfer tried to push Gorilla away to no avail. Then while he tried to think of ways to force the overly clingy guy (whose other professional name was stalker) from him, Hijikata’s eye happened to fall on Gintoki’s for a moment.

It almost seemed like those gunmetal-blue orbs hooked into Gintoki’s unmoving gaze and refused to sway.

A few seconds passed with this strange little speechless contact. 

It unnerved him and yet, it also had the strange power of catching him in an unexpected trance.

There was something about the boy that was puzzling.

He closed his eyes.

_I really have to stop._

Scraping a hand down his face in exasperation, he turned around, strolling back to his chair.

Dropping into the wooden furniture, he raised his legs to rest over the desk and laid his head  against the chair with two arms folded behind. Feeling a heavy gaze on him, he released a long exhale as his head tilted towards the ceiling of the classroom.

Unable to help himself, after a reasonable amount of time, he glanced at the transfer once again. Hijikata was talking to his classmates so Gintoki felt encouraged to stare a little longer— there was something about the boy...

He reached into the drawer of his desk, taking his favorite candy out. Pulling the wrapper off, he popped the Chupa Chupa lollipop into his mouth, sucking on the sugary treat. Hijikata wasn't looking his way anymore.

He must feel Gintoki’s invasive eyes on him though.

Gintoki watched the boy converse longer than necessary, wondering what it was exactly. A waver in the way he spoke, maybe? 

The way he blinked— diverting attention from Shinpachi to Kondo to Kagura— eyes attentive but dull too. 

_Hijikata…_

He found that name interesting.


	2. Engagement and not the wedding-proposal kind!

It happened that Friday.

There was someone who raised a hand during his class.

_During his class!_

He didn't know how else to explain the exact absurdity of it than to repeat it in his head in disbelief.

Just a few minutes ago, he had entered the classroom with full expectations of it going as normal (with him lazing about and the students given the choice to do their chapter 9 worksheets or not in class). And why wouldn’t he? Except for one new student’s transfer, things were as they’d always been.

Right?

Wrong.

As he trodded over to his comfy chair obliviously at the front of the room, he was caught unawares by the unexpected hand-raising.

And the owner of that hand was of course, that major suck-ass-from-Osaka last named Hijikata by some unfortunate soul who had no idea what he’d be in for when he’d begged for a boy.

One thing Gintoki noticed after the hand-raising was that the class was only distinctly less noisy than usual and that gave him double the bad feeling. Included in that bad feeling category was the strange, odd looks Kagura, Shinpachi and Kondo were throwing Hijikata from their seats.

 _Brace yourself, Gintoki_. He told himself. _You already knew you were in for a crap full of karma when this kid entered this classroom last week._

“...Yes?” Gintoki made the mistake of saying, a spike of consternation getting the best of him.

The dark-haired transfer didn’t speak for a moment and Gin gave the notion a try that maybe, the world wasn’t out to get him and that the hand-raising was from some faulty error in the boy’s hippocampus and cerebellum.

For surely, the boy _must_ have something wrong with his brain.

Hijikata— apparently clueless to Gintoki’s internal pleas or ignoring it for his own selfish gains ( _the bastard_ )— stood up and slammed his hands down on the desk so hard that everyone around him went quiet.

“I’m sorry, sensei, but isn’t there a class representative or school committee member assigned for this classroom?” He asked point-blank, his eyes piercing through the large space between them like he was shooting straight at Gintoki’s heart.

He looked very determined (and challenging) for someone who just asked a very nonsensical question.

His students (except for Kagura, Shinpachi and Kondo) exchanged glances with each other, puzzled. Their faces clearly said: “What the fuck is this guy talking about?”

And Gintoki really couldn’t agree more. What the fuckity fuck was this guy talking about? And more importantly, what was his problem with Gin? Did he bother all his teacher or was it just Gin?

What was it really? Was he being targeted? He was being targeted, wasn’t he? It was probably because he showed a weak face, wasn’t it?

Otose had warned him about it.

“ _You give brats a small inch the size of a millimeter,_ ” She had said, tapping at her cigarette as ash fell off it. “ _Pretty soon they start getting on top of you, crawling all over you like chimpanzees, pissing and shitting wherever they go.”_

 _“They have to respect you,”_ She had warned. “ _Or they’ll stomp all over you and you won’t even notice. There’s always that one person,_ ” she had cautioned, exhaling out smoke into the air and into his face. “— _who will notice the unrestricted environment and think he can start a revolution in class. Don’t let them get that inch.”_

_Oh no, I won’t._

Gin cleared his throat and emphasized, “There’s no class representative for this classroom,”

“But--”

“Nor will there ever be.”

“But what if--”

“No!” insisted Gin, glowering at the boy.

Hijikata stopped, stared at the stubborn look on Gin’s face and crossed his arms. “But what if I want to be class representative?”

“You have to be nominated for that and--”

“I nominate Toushi!” pronounced Kondo, standing up with his hand raised.

Gin blinked. _Oh no._ He knew where this was going.

“Me too!” shouted Kagura, probably knowing fuck all about what she was saying and Shinpachi followed up, chorusing “Me too,” from behind her.

A small smirk illuminated Hijikata’s shitty face.

“Ehh, might as well,” Tsukuyo waved her hand in the air, “Me too,”

Ayame stood up, pushing glasses up her nose. “I nominate myself for female class representative so I can be close to Gin-sensei.”

“Sachan-san, you’re supposed to nominate Toushirou-kun, you know.” Shinpachi intoned.

“Right!” Ayame clapped her hands together. “Him too,” She said before sitting down.

“I vote for him as well,” said that chubby kid named Tetsu-something.

“Me too,” Yamazaki— that invisible guy who nobody noticed until he was the only one left to be picked out for a group project— piped up. He pumped his fist right after, looking excited like he’d received the gold medal or something.

“Who’s that guy again?” said Kagura, glancing at Yamazaki dismissively. 

Then Katsura stood up like everyone had been waiting just for him and lifted his eyes up all dramatically like he was in an action manga or something and declared: “I proclaim Toushirou-kun worthy of representing our class and if I wasn’t busy with Kendo club, I would be nominating myself, of course.”

“You can’t nominate yourself, dipshit.” Tsukuyo remarked.

“My name’s not dipshit, it’s Katsura.”

Gin sighed. He had lost, hadn’t he? He had lost it bad.

“If you’re so turned on by more work, sure, go ahead. It’s your shitty choice.” Gintoki waved his hand off at the kid and turned around to go back to his chair when Hijikata chirped out: “Of course, as Homeroom teacher of class III-A, you’ll be accompanying me to the class representative meeting.”

Gin screeched to a halt and whipped his head around, glaring at the smug kid. “No!”

The kid shrugged. “Tough, but you have to.”

“No!!!”

Gintoki was embarrassed by his whiny voice when Hijikata paused, appearing serious as he turned to regard the teacher.

“Life’s hard, sensei,” pointed out the boy mock-serious, his eyes gleaming evilly. “But you have to tolerate the hard stuff because that’s what being an adult is, you know.”

“You brat,”

The transfer’s eyebrow crinkled at the name and he glared. “Don’t call me a brat,”

“You don’t like being called a lot of thing, but you are a brat so that’s what I will call you, you brat.” He enunciated, smiling meanly.

Hijikata scoffed, his stare hard-edged. “Just because you don’t like doing hard work, sensei--”

“And just because,” Gintoki interrupted, one index finger raised as he pointed at the brat. “You’re nervous meeting new people doesn’t mean you can drag me into this too.” In a fit of piqued anger he didn’t know from where, he steam-rolled right ahead without thinking of the consequences. “I have no mandate standing over me to accompany you to the meeting. I can get out of easily enough since the Principal and I have an understanding and you don’t want me there to help with the meeting, you just want me there for your ease of mind.”

Hijikata didn’t offer another stupid, stubborn rebuttal and Gin, once he inhaled a second puff of air to get his breath back, realized he had blurted all this out in front of the class. He looked up, scrutinizing the boy’s demeanor carefully and saw those fingers trying to keep a quiver starting up under control by clenching into a fist.

Gin watched the struggle for self-governance losing and then, the transfer was holding his forearm in a defensive gesture that spelled shy, reserved nerd nervous and scared.

Goddammit, he was such an asshole.

But that was supposed to be okay. Ninety percent of the time in his life, he dealt with assholes only anyway and he liked that just as much. Now there was a whimpy brat standing in front of him, who was trying to be strong, who was putting this great cover of unaffected nonchalance on his face and it wasn’t working because his body wasn’t cooperating.

Because the truth was called right out in the open in front of everyone.

Because the humiliation was present in every nerve that raced to his heart and lungs.

His limbs were trembling because he was upset and his limbic system, his adrenaline gland, his inner physiology was reacting in accordance to that fact. He was upset and Gin was the reason.

“Ugh, fine.” Gin agreed, pretending to give up though he couldn’t say he was a master at nonchalance. “You win. I’ll go with you to the meeting.”

Hijikata’s fists stopped trembling and his head remained bowed for a long moment. Gin stared at the lack of response and reluctantly called the boy by his last name:

“Hiji--”

_Clang!_

The boy shoved away from the desk as metal clashed with leg and he stomped out of the classroom’s back entrance in a great fuming anger.

It looked like anger anyway.

“Toushi?” Kondo moved to go after him, but Gintoki passed by him and pushed him down into his seat.

“Leave this to me,” He stated and exited the classroom, catching sight of the transfer’s departing figure in the hallway and followed after him.

“Hijikata!” He yelled as he increased his pace. “Hijikata, you idiot student, wait!”

As Hijikata turned the corner, Gin reached him and caught his shoulder to twist him around.

“I didn’t peg you for a runner, kid. Thought you had more spunk in you than to be upset by a little thing like--”

He broke off when Hijikata slapped him in the face.

There was a moment when the sound of a hand slapping against his skin echoed through his ear as if in slow motion. He gazed wide-eyed at the wall opposite him in pure shock.

“Ow,” He finally uttered, the shock still present in his tone. He rubbed at his cheek, staring at the boy who appeared a little miffed but not apologetic. Or well, he was hiding he was sorry.

“You bastard,” He grabbed Hijikata’s wrist and pushed them into the staircase’s railing behind him. “You really have done it now.”

“Let go of me,”

“No, Toushi.” He sing-songed cheerily as the boy struggled against his grip. “This time, I won’t let go.”

The boy made quite a picture of hostility: gritted teeth, resentful grey eyes, and a V-shaped lock between his eyebrows that made him look demonic in some way.

“Stop it,” bit out the boy.

“Nope,” He relished denying the boy, found some sick pleasure in seeing that anger mounting as he held onto wrists that were strong yet malleable. It felt like they were wrists just there to be gripped and twisted so he did just that. The boy winced and Gin’s belly filled with a radiating warmth.

_This is unexpected._

Gin didn't know why this feeling inside himself resembled arousal— something white hot that he could melt into with eyes crossed and a groan. That idea, along with the blaring fact that Hijikata was his student, made Gintoki cut right down to the chase before anything more weird could happen.

“First, tell me what your damage is and how I can fix it so life can go back to normal once again.” He demanded, brisk and calm.

“You call that normal?” sneered the boy. Gin looked at those impudent lips and got the urge to mess it up somehow.

Preferably with his own lips.

 _Whoa, dangerous territory_. He told himself. _Back off._

“It’s my idea of normal, yes, and I like it very much so I would prefer that you don’t mess with it.” He watched with a strange sort of detachment and amusement as Hijikata squirmed, trying to get out of Gin’s personal space and not really succeeding. “But don’t change the topic, Toushi-san, what’s your problem?”

“Nothing,”

“Don’t lie to me,” He leaned in and whispered softly in that twitchy, sensitive ear that was turning a pruce color, interestingly enough. “I hate when people want my help and go about asking for it in such a roundabout way.”

“I’m not--”

“I. Said. Don’t. Lie.” reiterated Gin through his teeth as he tightened his grip on Hijikata’s wrists to the point of pain. Hijikata froze and stopped struggling, his eyes suddenly falling on the linoleum floor.

Curious and baffled, Gintoki called out, “Hijikata?”

The kid lifted his head then but, there was a different look to his eye. It was darker, for one. More solid— bold, he would call it.

Gintoki opened his mouth to ask him what was wrong, and between one blink and the next, foreign lips were touching his.

The kiss was brief, like a platonic peck on the cheek except there was more push to it and a tongue shortly swept between Gin’s parted lips, feeling somewhat perfunctory.

It was an intentional kiss, full of purpose, full of some unknown meaning, but Gin was bemused about what point it was supposed to make.

Hijikata pulled away, his eyes met Gintoki’s gaze head-on without any sense of shame and his face completely lacked any signs of outward fluster. Heck, Gin was an adult and he felt like blushing at the kid’s boldness.

“I'll see you at the class representative meeting, then.” Hijikata murmured soft but firm and as Gin stood in a state of amazement, his student turned around and ambled back in their class’ direction.

Several minutes later, he could hear noise level increase from I-A classroom and listened numbly to the sounds of students responding to Hijikata’s return, most cheerful, others inquiring.

More minutes ticked by as he stood paralyzed and speechless, his mind still catching up to the kiss.

The memory of it kept circling in his mind.

He hadn't seen it coming because the boy had cleverly struck mid-blink so all he could remember, all he saw--

Gin brought up a hand and covered his mouth, strangely aware of his lips.

He remembered seeing the boy leaning in and pulling away over and over again in his mind’s eye, Hijikata’s last words echoing in his brain like the steady thump of his heartbeat and once the kiss registered-- that moment of soft contact between two pretty average lips and the tongue, the cravenly disingenuous tongue-- he was only able to muster a weak:

“That fucking brat.”


	3. Ignition or all that back-and-forth

His pen was lurking one inch on top of the white sheet of paper as he reviewed one of his student’s homework, tracing over the handwritten words, marking it up wrong where there were lots of mistakes and right when they were only a few. He eyed a sentence and magnanimously added a comment on top, giving a suggestion about what the student could do to fix her mistake.

“Oh wow, this is new,” a voice commented behind him. He turned to see Otae holding a delicate hand up to her mouth, her mouth open in mock surprise and her gaze assessing the student’s paper. “I thought you marked up your student’s work with the least comments because it was too much of a drag.”

She fixed her attention on Gintoki, her fake smile emerging from the depths of sarcasm-town. “Do you have a fever, Gin-san?”

Gin gave her his dead-fish eyes in reply and when she continued to smile smugly, he let out an exasperated groan. “Give me a break. I just felt like adding that one comment,” he threw the pen on his desk a little harder than necessary.

She watched this with sharp eyes.

“Hmm,” she considered skeptically.

Gintoki’s hands twitched on top of the desk and he suddenly found it imminent that they change the topic, now.

“What do you want, anyway?”

“This isn’t your cruddy apartment, Gin-san.” She crossed her arms, “It's the staff room, meaning I can roam anywhere I want without having to answer questions like that.”

“Yeah, yeah. So why're you bothering me? Don't you have anything better to do?” He retorted, his words drawn from an edgy pool that resided deep within his stomach.

Kagura frowned. “What's going on with you?”

Gin grabbed his pen again with new vigor, focusing intentionally closely on another students’s paper. “Nothing,”

“Is it that transfer student?”

His hand paused for a moment but he covered up the hesitation by quickly grabbing a paper clip from the mug that contained stationary items. He snapped together two random papers together and bent to examine those, trying to look as busy as possible so that the next words out of his mouth sounded casual enough.

“What about the transfer student? Is there supposed to be something about him that should bother me?”

“Shinpachi told me he caused quite a fuss in class last week,” Otae informed, her arms crossed as she leaned on the sole of her feet. “Something about how he wanted to be the class representative.”

“Yeah,” Gin scratched the back of his head with his left hand, relaxing a little. He knew he couldn’t get out of denying the boy was trouble. He was. More trouble than usual. “No more trouble than usual.” He lied through his teeth easily.

Otae hummed a little more, sounding dubious, but when Gin continued to act like all that shit didn’t make an ounce of difference on his composure, she shrugged.

“Well, if you have any unusual trouble with him, tell me.”

Huh?

Gintoki dropped all pretense and reflexively diverted his face toward her back.

“Is there something about him I should know?” He asked cautiously. The way she had worded that sounded strange, somehow.

The brunette teacher stopped on her tracks, her face turned toward the ceiling. He could see that she had a sober look on her face and it fixed his attention more so at the topic.

“Well, his previous homeroom teacher in Osaka said--”

“Yeah?”

“That Hijikata was bullied,”

Gin blinked in disbelief. “What, really?”

“Well, more like, he was molested,” Otae stated, finally rotating on her feet to face Gintoki. “By a classmate. And it only came to light recently when a sensei found them in an empty classroom after school in a compromising position.”

“Compro-- compromising position?” Gin swallowed his spit, feeling his eyes go hazy as he imagined just what kind-of compromising position. The mind raced at the possibilities.

“Seems like,” Otae brushed a few threads of hair out of the way of her eyes as she looked to the side with a pensive expression. “This sadistic classmate of his was pushing Hijikata into doing all kinds of kinky shit.”

 _Sadistic? Kinky? What?_ Those two words didn’t mix well with the boy he knew.

Or did they? Did they explain everything about the boy?

“And Hijikata was against it?” Gintoki heard himself asking as if in a vacuum.

She shook her head. “He didn’t say much about it. Just said he wanted to get away from it all. So he moved.”

“Oh,”

Otae glanced at his dumbfounded expression with furrowed brows. “Why’re you so interested, anyway?”

Gintoki jumped, turning his thoughts abruptly away from the X-rated version of events being retold in his head and gave a rough laugh.

“You know, I was just wondering why he’s so contradictory.” Laugh fading, he muttered to himself: “Makes sense, now.”

“Contradictory?”

“Yeah,” Gintoki perked up or well, tried to perk himself for her anyway. “Sometimes, he’s all suave, swaggering piece of shit just like the rest of his classmate. Then, sometimes, he’s a scaredy-cat, a nervous and trembling piece of shit.”

“Oh,” Otae commented, smiling slightly, her expression turning a little enlightened. “Didn’t know you were watching him that closely.”

“Pfft, who’s watching who closely?” He denied, loosely swinging his shoulders. “Just, the brat goes after me so I notice.”

Otae raised a brow, looking completely entertained now. “Right,” Her tone was filled with sarcasm, obviously, but he ignored that.

“Right,” He repeated firmly.

Damn brat was getting inside his brain more frequently than the JUMP shounen manga he read in his spare time. Like a freaking pest.

Actually, exactly like a freaking pest.

 

 

 

“What are you doing after school, Toushi?” Kondo asked.

Hijikata pushed his outside shoes inside the locker and slipped in the inside shoes, making a noncommittal noise. “I don’t know, probably nothing.”

“Wanna come with me to a really rad, fancy place?” suggested Kondo with a wide grin.

“Are you gonna be stalking that teacher from III-B again?” asked Hijikata dyrly.

“Otae-san? Nah, I just wanted to, you know, go to this fancy place.”

The black-haired student stared down his new friend.

“Okay, fine!” Kondo broke really easily. “She also, happens to be having a date there. So I need someone to accompany me--”

“Rejected,” Hijikata refused immediately. Kondo’s face fell. “I have so much homework to catch up to. A quarter of the term is already over.”

“But you’re smart. I’m sure you can get it all done in one day.”

“I’m not that good,” remarked the boy wryly. “Anyway, why don’t you take Yamazaki with you? I’m sure he’ll be glad someone actually talked to him.”

“Buuut Toushi! I wanted to bond with you.”

“I’m busy,” Hijikata said, looking exasperated but fond too. “We’ll make plans for the weekend to ‘bond’, I guess, but right now, it’s impossible. And anyway, stalking doesn’t sound much fun.”

“It’s not stalking!”

“Yeah, it is.”

“You don’t understand, Toushi! I follow her because I love her.”

Hijikata paused in the process of putting his mathematics book in his bag. “Love?”

“Yeah!” yelled the dumb brown-haired gorilla eagerly.

The brat looked like he smelled something bad, his nose pinching and his eyes going all narrow as he contemplated that word ‘love’ like it was cursed. Then, shaking off the thought, he put his book inside his bag and slung the backpack over his uniformed shoulder.

“Let’s go,”

“Ah, I have to go greet Otae-san, first.” Kondo waved Hijikata’s off as he ran to the staff room.

Hijikata watched him go, gave a big sigh and trudged through the aisle between the H to K lockers by himself, which was perfect.

At the end of the H lockers leaned Gintoki and as the boy reached him, Gin grabbed his wrist and dragged him through the hallway to pull him alongside. Protests and questions began to rise from the shocked student, but before he could voice them, they reached an empty classroom right around the corner.

Gin shoved the boy inside, entered himself, shut the door behind him and turned to face his student.

“Wh-What?” stuttered the boy defensively, his fingers already starting to quiver. “What do you want?”

A part of Gin was running automatically when he had hauled the boy over with him.

Since he woke up this morning, his conversation with Otae and that kissing incident had been revolving around his brain like an annoying mosquito and he had gotten kinda tired of that.

It wasn’t like Gintoki appreciated being preoccupied with thoughts of another person. As his ex-girlfriend told him once: he didn’t have the capacity to care more than the bare minimum for anyone at anytime. He was too lazy for that.

So on the basis of his impatient personality, he had decided to confront the brat early on so at least, he could make sense of that kiss somehow. And forget about it too.

But that weak-hearted demand from the boy, who still stubbornly held onto his evasiveness while stopping himself from trembling-- it all just angered him so much that he snapped.

He loomed over Hijikata, slamming the transfer’s shoulder until his back was attached to the blackboard behind him and leaned his nose sideways, into the boy’s face.

“That should be my line, brat.” spat out Gin, not taking the care to be gentle with his words. He wasn’t in the mood to even pretend that he wasn’t _mad_ (and absolutely baffled, lost, turned upside down) about what went down that day.

Everything about Hijikata’s fierce, resolute face— his shaken but level gaze, his parted, lick-worthy lips— was pissing him off.

“What the fuck were you thinking when you smacked one on me, huh?” He demanded, harried nerves emitting a rigid, unforgiving tone. “Did you even think? Was it just for me to let go of you? To put me off-balance, hmm? What was it, explain it to me.

“And more importantly, tell me what you want from me because I’m gettin really confused here.”

For a moment, Hijikata just stared back at Gin speechlessly, looking stunned. Then, his eyes got back this inner light and he glared.

“I don’t want anything from you,” He gritted out, putting his hands against Gintoki chest, trying to force the teacher off of him. “Now, let me go.”

Gin snorted, “Yeah, sure I will, since you asked so nicely.” He brought his face closer to the student, his grin widening. “Not.”

Hijikata’s face scrunched up quite ugly from a combination of bewilderment and fury and he gripped the roots of Gin’s silvery, curly hair and crashed his mouth against his teacher’s for the second time.

But this time, Gin was expecting it so he captured the boy’s dark tresses, twisted them around his fingers and forcibly yanked the boy’s neck back a few degrees as their mouths remained locked and he dominated the kiss.

While he was at it, he took a long, sloppy taste inside too— he couldn’t guess as to why because he hadn’t planned to (the kiss he did plan but it had been meant to be punishing and unsexy— to teach a lesson to a brat about doing dangerous things unthinkingly— yet this wasn’t turning out to be the case from the very beginning).

“Nghh,” Hijikata grunted under his mouth, jerking his head away and trying to block Gin’s tongue access, his teeth clenched at the front.

“What's the matter?” Gin murmured into the boy’s neck in a mocking tone, satisfied that they were back on the right track. His thumb found itself caressing the smooth skin underneath the transfer’s ear, his gaze falling to the pulse thudding against the boy’s carotid.

He kept his voice light and teasing. “Scared now that poor easily manipulated sensei is actually reciprocating?”

“Stop,” gruffed out Hijikata, his fingers squeezing tightly into his teacher’s suit. “Pervert sensei.”

“Pervert?” Gintoki repeated, giving him a wide, callous smile. He leaned closer to the boy’s ear and took a gracious glancing taste at the outline of his lobe. The kid flinched, eyes widening. “You started it, Toushirou-san.”

He detracted a little to take a look at the kid’s face with relish, crowing with a sense of victory inside his head. Now Hijikata would think twice about doing what he did.

Except... well... he was struck more significantly by the magenta blush covering the boy’s whole face, even to the tips of his ears. Hijikata’s lips were pursed onto themselves and he looked absolutely embarrassed and miserable.

Any relish Gin might have enjoyed from the fact was taken away from the suddenly alert heartbeat thudding against his own ribcage without his permission.

Hijikata released his teeth from his lips and in the aftermath, they were all puffy and vividly red from a long, applied pressure.

That flustered face accompanied by the shaky countenance of a boy lost in a conundrum added to the appeal that was Toushirou Hijikata looking up at him with a cloudy gaze.

Gin had a hard time looking away. “Are you trying to seduce me?” He asked aloud, more than a little disconcerted.

Everything about the boy was so accidentally sensual that Gintoki was feeling unaccountably drawn in.

It was weird.

“Hey, answer me.” Gintoki ordered.

The transfer looked down, then to the side and then back up into Gintoki’s face. Promptly, he made a face and turned his nose up. “Of course not,” he replied loud and proud.

Gin couldn't take it anymore. The brat was killing him.

“You're so full of shit,” Gintoki declared and tilting his head, he crushed his lips against Hijikata’s once again, putting force and the driven madness that pumped through his blood into the action with all his might.

The kid didn't fight it. In fact, their mouths moved along seamlessly together into the overriding rhythm of push and pull, of lips opening to let a tongue in and of lips closing around them, sucking the taste of each other out like they were sucking on a particularly delicious beverage from a straw.

Their insistent kissing was wet and slovenly from a discordant back-and-forth. One in which they both tried to get at the best of each other and didn't stop to notice the world around them or the time.

The time however didn’t care for a lover’s tryst. Never did. Not even for the famous Romeo.

The clock struck eight o’clock in the end and just as well because this shit had to stop. It was crazy what they were doing.

They stopped when the school bell rang overhead. They breathed hot and heavy over each other, eyes glazed and glued to the other’s mouth, their chests heaving slightly as they recovered from that… kiss.

Then, the awkward part came.

“So that was…” Gin trailed off, unsure and uncertain for possibly the first time in his life.

Hijikata cleared his throat, “Yeah,” He agreed, eyes shifting to the floor. “I have to go. Have class.”

“Right,” Gintoki pulled away, both hands raised up to show that he wasn't gonna touch anymore. As Hijikata moved to grab his backpack from the floor where it had fallen during their skirmish, Gin ventured forth like the imbecile he was. “So wanna do this again?”

Hijikata stopped for a minute, gave Gin a brief look and turned away again. “Maybe,”

As he walked off, Gin yelled out. “So that's a yes, huh!?”

He could hear the low mutter of, “Weird sensei” as the kid left out of the empty classroom and Gintoki stayed behind, staring at the open door with his mouth throbbing from that unusually long, stimulating kiss.

“Geez, I actually want to know more about him now.” Gin mumbled to himself, his hand going unconsciously to fuss with his hair. He halted and processed the words that had just left his mouth.

He jerked his head back and forth. “No, no, only because of that thing I heard about him. Not because I have some personal, bested _interest_.” He sniggered to himself. “Hah, who would? For that shitty brat? Yeah, right.”

“Who are you talking to, sensei?” came a voice from the doorway.

Surprised, Gin’s head whipped up with a spasm and he groaned, holding his neck. Damn, gave himself a whiplash. It was only Shinpachi, no need to get all shocked about it.

“You. I can tell you’re thinking something really rude about me right now.” Shinpachi voiced out, his face going irate. “Anyway, what are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Gintoki demanded, hands going up to his waist as he stood before Shinpachi with a superior, I’m-Your-Teacher look. “The bell for class just rang. Shouldn’t you be there right now?”

“Well, it’s homeroom for now,” Shinpachi said, his tone leaking out his blatant disregard for homeroom. “And I already know you hardly come to take attendance.”

“So nobody shows up ‘cause they know I don’t show, huh?” mused Gintoki to himself, smiling a little.

“Except for Hijikata-san, yeah.”

Gintoki looked at Shinpachi and curious despite himself, inquired. “Really?”

Shinpachi’s dry, disinterested gaze went up to Gin’s overly attentive face and he narrowed his eyes in consideration. “Yeah, he has the attendance roster so he marks us down for present or absent when we come into class. Before him, nobody used to care. I mean, once I used to try but then, I gave up ‘cause nobody asked for the roster.”

“Oh,”

Shinpachi’s staring got more intense at Gin’s lukewarm response and his eyebrows creased. “Why do you care all of a sudden?”

“Don’t be stupid, I don’t care.” denied Gin vehemently with a laugh that was high in pitch and low in authenticity. “Stupid brat keeps doing weird shit, that’s all.”

“Oh, you mean Hijikata-san?” Shinpachi raised a hand over his chin as he deliberated. “Yeah, he does do some weird things, but I guess he’s serious about being diligent as a student.”

Gintoki side-eyed the doorway, an unexplainable urge in his veins overpowering all other plans in his head.

“I’m just gonna go check on something,” announced Gintoki and strode out of there in a hurry.

Homeroom classes only took about fifteen minutes of school day so there were possibly six minutes left before it ended and Class III-A’s first class of the day began.

He just wanted to see Hijikata. Just for a little bit.

He stopped when he reached the door of the class and peeked through the transparent window on top to see Hijikata sitting atop of the teacher’s desk ( _that’s my desk, you brat_ ), his eyes fixed on the clipboard in hand as he sucked on the pen in his hold.

Suck--

“Shit,” Gin gulped out. “That’s really cruel.”

He was in deep shit.


	4. Dysania and Gin-chan's problem with kids

Gintoki woke up the next day with a hangover because the night before, he and Hasegawa had spent the day drinking heavily as they complained about life and students and life’s shortcomings in general.

“Kids these days, you know.” Gin remembered grumbling in the middle of their drunk pity-party fest. “They’re so high maintenance, right? With their poker face and their trends and shit.What the heck is hashtag anyway? What do I care? Have no idea what goes on in their head, honestly.”

Hasegawa nodded, too far gone in his drunken stupor to understand what was being said. “That’s true. Kids are scary. So scary.”

“Right? They do things you don’t even understand.” Gin remembered the kiss once again, frowning gravely at the reminder flashing before his eyes when he was trying to rid it from his mind with alcohol.

“No, no. I understand quite well, actually. They just, you know,” Hasegawa waved a vague hand as he tossed another beer down his throat. Pulling it off, he wiped his lips and slammed the can down in anger. “They just want to bother you, right? ‘Cause if you’re a teacher, you’re obviously looking to be looked down on, right?”

“You…” Gin looked at Hasegawa with a new epiphany. “Are the students in III-C actually bullying you?” Hasegawa hiccuped and pressed his lips together, holding his stomach with a look of pain or constipation on his face. Gin, worried that his guess might actually be true, leaned in to say: “Hey, hey, you should repo--”

And then, Hasegawa puked all over him.

The rest was history, as in, he just wanted to erase the rest of it from his memory forever. After giving himself a harsh scrubbing to get that reeking smell out of his skin, he had kicked Hasegawa out of his apartment and slept on the floor like the dead.

The next morning was Monday, the most accursed day of all accursed days. He wondered why he had let himself be convinced into having a drunken pity-party with Hasegawa when he knew the next day, he would be expected to show up to school.

He just wasn’t in the mood, right? He wanted to sleep all day long like things like work and responsibility didn’t even exist.

The sun was unequivocally harsher than any other suns of his other hangover days. His head was pounding like a dinosaur was banging his foot into his brain, putting painful pressure where there wasn’t supposed to be one. He didn’t even bother looking into the mirror because he was a right fucking mess, he already knew.

All he had a hope for was going to the infirmary and sleeping it out until his history class with III-A in second period.

So he drove to the high school somehow, parked it without denting a nearby car somehow, and slipped into the infirmary directly somehow.

Nurse Hinowa saw his staggering, slouching pathetic self and gave a chuckle, taking pity on him as usual.

“You know, Gin-san, you should know the consequences of staying up late, drinking yourself silly by now.” she admonished, uncovering the curtain to reveal the small bed in all its great glory and watching him as he sunk face first onto it without one word of reply or acknowledgement. “Oh well, I guess it’s just how you are, huh.”

 _That’s true,_ Gin thought to himself sleepily before he blacked out completely. _That’s just how I am._

* * *

 

“Hey, you.” called out an annoying voice from a far away place. Gin ignored it in favor of burrowing deeper into the fluffy pillow under him, only mumbling sleepily. “You good-for-nothing perverted sensei, if you don’t wake up this instant, I’ll set this bed on fire.”

_Huh?_

Did he hear that right?

What kind-of threat was that anyway? Who made threats like that to wake someone up?

An overbearing, nosy, obnoxious transfer, that's who.

Gin continued to keep his eyes stubbornly closed while he muttered: “Shut the hell up, would you? Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep here?”

“Yes, I can see that. The only thing I don’t understand is why.” said the voice that sounded awfully similar to a nagging wife. It made him shudder in horror at the comparison. “Have a few screws gotten loose inside you or something? Have you even disregarded the simple concept of showing up to work?”

“Shut up!” yelled Gin, sitting up to face the obnoxious existence that was set to ruin his every day with scathing insult after insult. “It’s all lecture after lecture with you. Do you have any other agenda for the day than bothering me the fuck out? I’m obviously not in any condition to bicker with you, can’t you see that? What is it that you want from me? And who went and made you boss, huh?”

“You--” Hijikata’s eyebrow ticked like he was waiting to send Gintoki sailing out of the motherland and into a far-off planet but he appeared to tamp down on the urge. He relied on a strong glare to relay his ire with Gin. “You’re nothing like a teacher at all.”

“Well, obviously.” Gin agreed with no objection, folding his arms. “I’m not trying to be the ideal teacher anyway. Besides, it’s your job to pass the exams and go through high school life, why should I have to put in extra effort to make it more accessible or easier for you? Do I look like a peacemaking idiot?”

“Yes, you do," Hijikata said, smiling. "Look like an idiot, that is.”

“What’d you say, bastard? Try saying that one more time.”

“Anyway,” Hijikata said, ending the quarrel before it could ignite. “What’d you come to school for anyway if you weren’t even going to attend class?”

Gintoki blinked. Oh--

“It’s second period already?” Shit.

“That’s why I came to look for you.” Hijikata informed in that exasperated way of his. “It’s not like I like talking to you.”

Gintoki stood up, wobbling on his feet slightly. He grabbed Hijikata’s shoulder for support and touched his own forehead with another hand. His limbs still felt so heavy. “Yeah, yeah, I get it. You don’t like me.” He glanced sideways at Hijikata’s wary face and a dastardly smirk unfurled. “Do you always kiss people you don’t like, though?”

His student glowered, his face going steely with reproach. “Don’t touch me so familiarly.”

Gin eyed his hand on Hijikata’s shoulders and his smile thinned. “You’re so full of contradictions, Oogushi-kun, it makes my head ache.”

His hand slipped off of the kid’s shoulders and he scratched the back of his head as he walked away.

Ahh, his head really did ache, you know.

* * *

 

Once Gin-chan got to class almost fifteen minutes after the bell rang for second period, he immediately started scribbling on the blackboard with the used-up chalk. Kagura’s elbow on the desk with her head on her palm slipped, her eyes widening.

What he wrote was just a page number though.

“And that’s your homework for next class. Be sure to do it.” announced their silver-haired, lazy sensei in an annoyingly snooty tone, with his arms crossed over like he was serious all of a sudden.

“Wha-- gross. Gin-chan’s being gross,” Kagura commented, turning her nose up in disgust. “Did you hit your head on the way over or something?”

“Oh, Kagura, you’re such a joy to have in every class. Honestly.” Gin-chan looked at her with a mixture of distaste and amusement while a wide smile remained fixed on his face. It was seriously creeping her out.

“Ah, the hair on my skin is standing up.” Kagura held onto her arms, rubbing them up and over her uniform. “Gross.”

“Yes, yes, we get it. You’re grossed out.”

“Anyway, isn’t the homework assignment in that stupid paper you handed to us first day of class?” Tsukuyo interrupted, waving her hand around, her expression flat of any interest.

“No, I changed the work-load.” Gin replied.

“Huh, why?” Shinpachi asked, gaping.

“Because,” Gin put a hand on his hip and Kagura could already sense it but it still made her eyebrows twitch in irritation when he responded: “I felt like it.”

She looked over to see Tsukuyo rolling her eyes, looking to the window while the rest of them exhaled a long, tired sigh. Of course. Gin-chan never changed.

And Kagura kinda liked it that way, but she wouldn’t ever tell him that. The man already had a huge ego for someone who didn’t do much of anything.

“Not to be all know-it-all or anything,” Katsura interjected, coughing to draw attention to him. “But you could have emailed us the changes to the homework assignment.”

“Huh, why would I want to do something that troublesome just to give some page numbers?” Gin-chan looked completely exasperated at this point, gesticulating a little. “And why are we still discussing this? I assigned something different today, that’s all. What’s up with you guys?”

There was clang as the door to the classroom opened and Kagura, like the rest, looked over to see Hijikata Toushirou standing there, his eyebrows lowered and his steely blue eyes truly frightening.

“Ah, you’re here. What took you so long?” Gin-chan greeted, his tone indifferent but something about it made Kagura look closely at her sensei. He wasn’t looking their way so his eyes were hidden from sight but there was a flow that ebbed and rose around him as he looked at Hijikata. She couldn’t really describe it.

“Went to the toilet.” mumbled the jet-haired student, voice almost indecipherable as he passed by Gin-chan and went to take his seat next to Kondou.

Kagura couldn’t help but study that weird transfer student for a long minute, at least. Then, she turned to her sensei, who had a smile on his face, which wasn’t weird exactly. He wasn’t a broody person. He smiled sadistic smiles all the time.

This wasn’t a S-smile though.

“Toilet? And that took you--” Gin-chan looked at his empty wrist like the lame human being he was. “--five minutes, huh? Taking a dump, were you?”

Gin-chan’s amber eyes ignited with a bouncing luminance. It was truly creepy.

“It’s none of your business,” Hijikata responded, his tone unaffected yet his demeanor not exactly convincing. “Will you stop harassing me already, sensei?”

The giddy smile on Gin-chan’s lip converted to a frosty smirk, then. “But Hijikata-kun, don’t you like that?”

A few things happened in consecutive succession: Hijikata’s head lurched back, his hand clenched by his side, and a vivid nerve popped over his forehead. His indigo eyes blared with an unspoken fury. Kind-of like he was trying to say: “How dare you say that?!” with his eyes.

“What, did I hit a nerve?” chuckled Gin-chan, that smirk molded on his face growing more wicked.

Kagura wondered why Gin-chan kept goading Hijikata on and on as she watched the nerve on the black-haired student’s forehead throb visibly. Anyone could see that the transfer student was gonna snap if it went on like this.

“Uh- Gin-sensei,” interjected Shinpachi in his innocent, lame voice. The stare-off between the transfer student and Gin-chan ceased for the moment and they both turned their attention to the meek, average student.

Shinpachi sweat-dropped, his hand going to the back of his head as he laughed nervously. Kagura could guess he had no idea what to say after interrupting them and tried to send him nonverbal messages with ESP, concentrating really hard on the task so that it appeared she was glaring at him.

“Uh-- Ah! You really have big bags under your eyes, huh?” Shinpachi finally let out, looking relieved that he successfully changed the subject. “What? Did you have a late one with Hasegawa-san yesterday, like always?”

Gin-chan glared at him for a while and then, when Shinpachi seemed to be at the point of peeing himself, he crossed his arms and turned away.

“Yes, that’s right.” coughed Gin-chan into his fist, his eyes averted as he tried to recover from that crack of composure that came so close to being obliterated in front of the class. “I have a hangover from drinking all-night, like always. So I really don’t have the energy to face brats. I’m an adult. So I’m better than you all.”

Kagura snapped, her arms launching up. “Shut up, old ero-geezer. Your confidence and your actions have such a big gap between them that it would make anyone want to pummel your face in.” She stood up, pointing at herself. “So why don’t you remain silent before this student tries something she wouldn’t really regret.”

“Ahaha, Kagura-chan, calm down.” Shinpachi requested, tugging at his sleeves.

“Let go, four-eyes. If you get close to me now, I may just end up kicking you in your fun place.”

“Huh? My dick? You’re talking about my dick, aren’t you?”

“What else could it be? Your ass? You think your ass is worth being called a fun place?”

“Don’t say ‘dick’ or ‘ass’ in class, hey, you idiot students.” Gin-chan admonished, his palms outspread in a consoling motion as he approached them, but Kagura was all fired up now. The urge to fight was jiggling up her insides like the punches her father threw at her.

“I’ll have you know, my ass is a treasured item in the slash world!” retorted Shinpachi, breaking the fourth wall like it wasn’t even worth another look.

“Hah!” Kagura gave a disdainful look down at him, her eyes widened to the point of hurting. “Treasured item? My ass is much more treasured than yours will ever be, you average looking loser.”

“Nobody would like a girl like you, you she-monster!”

 

* * *

 

“Hey, hey, hey, hey. Settle down, guys.” Gintoki tried to intervene.

“Shut up, sensei. This is none of your business.” They said in unison, glaring at each other.

“No, no, I’m pretty sure this started with me.” said the silvery-haired sensei, his eyebrows creasing and wriggling in distress. But his words fell on deaf ears as Shinpachi and Kagura started verbally abusing each other on their worst traits until their bickers were replaced with sounds of two tumbling bodies wrestling on the floor, trying to one-up each other like a bunch of five-year olds.

What a bunch of weird kids.

Gin found his traitorous eyes cut a glance backward so his eyes met those of Hijikata’s.

The transfer student was already appraising him, his calm eyes a little on the side of judgmental, which made Gintoki’s hackles rise and made him want to glare at the brat.

Who was he to judge him anyway?

He noticed Hijikata’s mouth parting and slid an automatic gaze down there when the transfer student closed his mouth and opened it again. Wondering if Hijikata was wavering on what to say, he looked up and back down again to see him repeating that motion with his lips. Oh, he was mouthing something.

Gin concentrated, wondering if he would get a message about them meeting at the end of the school or something.

 _Wishful thinking_. He thought as he deciphered what was actually being said to him:

“You’re useless,”

That brat. He was totally judging Gin, wasn’t he? That really pissed him off.

A self-satisfied smirk covered Hijikata’s pretty, kissable lips and he glared daggers at it until the overwhelming urge to go up there and wipe it off the brat’s lips physically left him.

Then he passed by Hijikata, going back to his desk, slouching a little in his seat as he exhaled a heavy sigh.

“Kids, I swear.” He muttered under his breath.


	5. Veracity OR The moment of truth

Gintoki yawn was so outrageously loud and large, his jaw muscles hurt from the strain.

“Tch,” came the irritated noise from beside him.

He glanced over at Hijikata, who was glaring at him in a really hostile manner. 

“What? I can’t even yawn?” He asked, not even bothering to lower his voice.

The first couple weeks of his acquaintance with his new transfer student was a bit of a head-scratcher, to be honest. He couldn’t figure out if Hijikata Toushirou was one type of student or another. Now, he was starting to understand that Hijikata was just the kind-of guy who liked to be pissed-off than anything. Gintoki would advise him to take some anger management classes but maybe, even that would set the guy off.

“Cover your mouth, at least, idiot-sensei.” hissed Hijikata.

“What a drag,” Gin refrained from rolling his eyes and out of spite, put his pinkie into his nose. It was juvenile and childish but Hijikata brought the worst out of him. “Even Principal Otose isn’t as strict as you are.”

“It’s not my fault this whole school is abnormal.”

“Ahem,” was the deliberate interruption Class III-C’s class representative was going with. They both looked to the female rep while she scowled at them from her place at the front of the class with her hands on her hips.

He didn’t know why she was scowling at Gin, along with Hijikata. It wasn’t like he was even supposed to be here, but his new student was unexpectedly conniving. 

Just the other day, he had cornered Gintoki into a room, with the lazy teacher expecting a kiss or make-out session of some sort. 

“I’ll accuse you of sexually harassing me if you don’t come to the meeting at least once.” He had threatened point-blank. Not even a little preparation. Just shoot. 

Gin couldn’t believe the kid’s gall and would have refuted the threat out of anger alone if it wasn’t for the fact that an accusation from a student who had a history of molestation under his belt was probably gonna put a dent in his teaching career in this school.

And he liked this school. The pay was good, the benefits were good as well and he could do whatever he liked without the Principal getting on his case about appropriate academic integrity or discipline. He gave results; most of his students always passed. That’s all that mattered. But most schools would overlook that to focus on stricter classroom environment, which wouldn’t help develop student’s interest in anything. And when Gin droned on and on to a bored class with only a few listening, he felt very stupid. And annoyed.

So here he was in the class representative meeting, spending his after-school hours listening to students drone on for a change when he could be going home, taking a nice warm soak in his bathtub and watching the weather channel lady, Ketsuno Ana, on TV.

He didn’t even know why Hijikata needed him here. It didn’t make sense.

He eyed the kid, who had gone back to writing on his notebook about whatever the other representatives were saying. What also, didn’t make sense was that Hijikata didn’t know shit about the school yet he was class rep.

How did that happen?

“In conclusion, you guys need to get suggestions from your class about where they would like to go for the trip. By the next meeting, you should come to a consensus, okay?” demanded the female third-year from before.

There was a chant of “Yes” and then, the meeting was finally dismissed.

“Wow, that ended fast.” Gintoki whistled, looking around him as the students started to pack up and leave out the door. He slid his gaze to Hijikata as he got his things together and couldn’t help the query. “What did you really need me for, anyway?”

Hijikata grimaced, ignoring the question or ignoring Gin. Either one pissed him off. 

“Hey,” He demanded attention, snapping his fingers in front of Hijikata. “I’ll be fine with the blackmail thing if you explain yourself a bit.”

Hijikata looked at him finally and Gintoki realized the room was now empty, which also meant it was silent. He could literally feel some sort of tension in the air. It was unnerving. The blue of Hijikata’s eye was more unnerving than that, actually.

“I wasn’t nervous or anything.” denied Hijikata, immediately on the defensive.

“I wasn’t implying that,” retracted Gintoki while thinking:

_ But I was thinking it. _

“I just-- needed you here this one day.” Gin noticed that his hands were clenched around the sling of his backpack and glanced away.

Scratching his head, Gin asked. “Why? I don’t understand that.” 

“You have this presence.” the answer came abrupt, a little forcefully so his voice rose and cracked at the end. “You’re safe.”

“I’m safe?” _What gave the poor kid that idea?_

Hijikata chuckled, noticing Gin’s disbelieving expression but it came out anything but amused. “You make me feel safe. That’s all.”

That boggled Gintoki further. There was nothing about him that could make anyone feel safe. 

_What was this guy even talking about?_

“I understand that even less.” He said, eyes going up to the ceiling. “That second kiss between us may have been consensual on both our parts but you’re a minor as well as my student and I also, kinda ambushed you the other day. There’s nothing about that that would make me ‘safe’, as you say.”

Hijikata shook his head, “I can’t explain it.”

Gin sighed, leaning into the desk and directing his eyes back at his student’s profile. “So, what are you so afraid of that you needed me?”

The jet-haired student’s lips formed a flat line and Gin started to feel wrong somehow, deep in his chest. The kid was evading that question a little too much for his taste.

For a moment, there was a struggle. Then--

“After-school--” began Hijikata, his voice tentative. When Gintoki perked up, the kid stopped for a bit and breathed in like he was amassing courage up in his body. He spoke again: “An incident happened in my previous school after classes were over.” He looked down, his expression darkening. Gintoki observed his fingers spasming on the sling. “I’m afraid of it happening again.”

“What happened exactly?” his mouth had no permission from his brain when he asked this question. It was running automatically. He recalled what Otae told him a few days in perfect detail again and the images that were fantasies in his head before became stark, cold reality. 

A thing like dread gripped him.

“Ah!” cried out Hijikata in alarm, pulling Gintoki out of that thought immediately. “I just remembered I have to go grocery shopping before going home.” Gin watched him and his shoulders dropped at the obviously fake act. Hijikata didn’t know how flat his voice sounded. “Kondou told me he was going to be visiting today. I have to start making dinner soon or he’ll come early and I won’t be able to--”

Gin grabbed Hijikata’s wrist and stopped his speech mid-way through. “Did somebody do something to you?”

He wasn’t someone who liked to pry. Everyone had shit they dealt with. If they liked to talk about it, that was fine with him, but he didn’t force them to talk.

This was strange, even for him, he’d admit it any day.

Hijikata tried to pull his hand away and halted when Gin only clutched his wrist tighter. 

“Nothing,” His student replied defiantly.

“Hiji--”

“Let go!” Hijikata jerked his hand back and forth before having Gin release it in the fury of the tug-and-war.

Gin stared down at the boy, who looked so tough and strong. His eyes were firm and resolute too.

_ How could Gintoki be so worried for him? _

“I’ve gotten over it.” Hijikata declared, his tone determined and steady. “I’m no longer afraid so you don’t have to accompany me here.”

“That’s impossible,” Gin couldn’t help the way he said it. A little dismissive. In his defense, everything about Hijikata’s demeanor was screaming obvious fake bravado. He couldn’t just let the brat act tough when he obviously needed help. “You didn’t even have enough time to get over your phobia or whatever.”

“It’s not phobia--”

“That’s why I said ‘or whatever’, didn’t I--”

“And I have gotten over it, okay?”

Gin closed his eyes, exhaling through his nose. It was such a pain talking to this kid. “Fine. If that’s how you like it. And here I was going to be nice and offer to extend our agreement.”

Hijikata suppressed a smile but it slipped a little as he averted his face. “I appreciate that, but it’s not needed.”

Gin made a sour face. “Yeah, okay. I understand. That's better for me.” He wagged his tongue at the kid.

Hijikata glanced at him and looked down, a frown fixed on his face. “You’re nothing like a teacher at all.” He muttered in a low, wondering tone.

“You said that already, remember?” Gintoki watched his face, searching it for clues to the kid’s inner thoughts but it was like there was a deliberate veil curtained around him.

“Yeah,” Hijikata agreed, his voice giving a sad feeling. 

Gintoki thought about it and came up with a guess. “You have a thing for teachers or something?”

Hijikata jumped where he stood, his face wide-eyed and caught off-guard as it lifted up to face Gintoki’s. For a moment, they both stared at one another. Gintoki, who was bemused about the reaction and Hijikata, who was obviously surprised by his guess.

Then, Hijikata flushed a little and looked away. “N-No.”

Somehow, that irked him the slightest bit. Just the slightest bit. From the looks of it, the brat was thinking about someone with that shy, reluctant look in his eyes and his cheeks tinted pink.

“Brat,” He snapped in a harsh voice. Hijikata jerked, his eyes swerving back to Gintoki but the those greyish blue orbs were cloudy with preoccupation, with a thought that seemed miles away.

An itching sensation found itself curling in the tips of his fingers and he acted without hesitation. Cupping Hijikata’s cheeks in his hands-- and slapping them a bit in his urgency and irritation-- he angled the brat’s face his way so those eyes were only on him. Hijikata’s face was open-mouthed and questioning, his eyes stark naked and soft in its vulnerability and his attention was finally on Gin.

Gintoki wanted to smile a little but there was still fire in his stomach that refused to be dowsed so he held onto Hijikata’s face, drowning in the look that was all for him.

“S-Sensei?” called out Hijikata in a tempting voice. Come to think of it, everything about the boy was tempting when he was like this: when that furrowed brow of his relaxed, when his eyes filled up with some incomprehensible light, when his mouth parted the slightest bit. 

When he was cradled in Gintoki’s hands, he was tempting.

Gintoki didn’t stop to think. To the warning voices inside his head, to all the reasons against it, he said:

_ Fuck it. _

And he kissed Hijikata again. The boy made a surprised noise in his mouth and then, a sigh escaped him. A relieved sigh. It entered Gintoki’s mouth and spread all over his skin, heating him up. He clutched tighter at the base of Hijikata’s neck, nails digging in, breath hitching, yanking the boy’s head closer though that didn’t seem possible because they were as close as they could possibly be.

He dipped his tongue through Hijikata’s mouth, roving the depths of that wet cavern with his own, grunting into the need that expanded the more he explored.

“Hiji--” He muttered with gritted teeth as he pulled out of that mouth, incensed by the frustration and need that wreaked his whole.

“Sen-” Gintoki put a finger on Hijikata’s lips, shutting him up before he could finish that word. Hijikata looked at him, his eyes glazed with a lurking desire. 

“It would be really weird if you call me sensei right now.” He explained, earning himself a quirked brow. “You can call me by my name, you know.”

“Ginto--” said Hijikata but Gintoki put a finger against his lips again. 

“Goddammit.” Gintoki said to himself, a little confused as to why the fire within him burned hotter at those upcoming words. “That doesn’t work either. It’s weird, it’s really weird.”

Hijikata’s eyebrow twitched as he pulled away, his hands at Gintoki’s chest. He glared. “Do you want me to call you ero-geezer? Would that be okay?”

Gintoki didn’t know if he was pleased with the boy’s sass or irritated so he tilted his head, scratching at the side of his nose as he thought through it. What really was the right way to call your teacher when you were sharing intimate kisses with him? Truth was, Gintoki really wanted to do more. He wanted to suck marks all over Hijikata’s skin, search for all the sensitive places on his skin and do it. But while he was doing it, should he really have Hijikata calling him ‘sensei’? Wasn’t that really kinky?

“What’s your age again?” Gintoki asked casually enough, with a thin smile on his lips while his throat tightened.

“Seventeen.”

Gintoki inhaled a sharp, long breath. Damn.

“As expected.” He said to himself, a little conflicted. 

_Of course, he was. What did he expect?_

There was a beat of silence.

“Are you worried about the student-teacher thing now?” Hijikata interrupted the silence, sounding awfully put-out. “Thought you didn’t care for rules.” 

Gintoki looked to Hijikata, who had his arms crossed and his eyes icy, pinning him with that judgmental stare.

Gintoki looked at the challenge hiding beneath that look and raised his eyebrows, “You want me, don’t you?” A slow smugness sprung out of him, its origins a little mystifying. Hijikata made an exasperated face in return and a smile lighted up Gintoki’s face.

“Oh well,” He said to himself, shrugging off his worries. “Call me whatever.” 

He pulled Hijikata back into his space, seizing those lips for himself. Hijikata returned the kiss, angling his head just so. His hands skirted around Gintoki’s dress shirt, going upward until he clenched Gintoki’s collar and yanked him closer.

“Mmmph,” The noise leapt out, their closed mouths muffling it in-between. They opened their lips after a while, tongues eagerly tangling with each others. Arms slowly gathered themselves around each other as they stayed in that position for a long time.

Once breath was required, they pulled away, staring at one another.

Gintoki made a face. “I have a question.”  When it came to Hijikata, it seemed he had a lot of questions. But he'd make do with one, at least.

“A stupid one?” asked Hijikata, looking annoyed.

“Are you a virgin?” He inquired, abrupt and blunt as always. Hijikata blushed, his eyes going big. “So, yes, you are.” Gintoki concluded with a smile, eyebrows arched.

With a scowl, Hijikata punched Gin in the arm and turned around, arms crossed. 

Gintoki looked at his back with a gentle smile, sort-of content to know that for certain.

“It’s not that strange to be a virgin at my age--” stated Hijikata, looking stiff and defensive. “--and besides, I-I’ve done a bit.”

“Oh?” Gin swallowed back his ire. “Kissing?”

Hijikata’s shoulders jumped. “Y-yeah,”

“Anything else?” He questioned, face going still. 

For a moment, his fire was dowsed and a chill replaced it. A cold anger was soaring out of his stomach and Hijikata better not say--

“Y-yeah, I guess. A little.”

“Who?” Nothing else existed outside of this conference room. Hadn’t existed for a while now. “With that teacher you liked?”

Hijikata whirled round. His eyes wide open. “Teacher I liked?” 

“I’m right, aren’t I?” Gintoki asked, a wry smile covering his lips.

Hijikata shook his head, his eyes going a little dim. “Mitsuba-sensei never did anything with me.”

“Mitsuba?” So that’s the name.

“She was really gentle and professional. Unlike you.” He glared at Gintoki.

Oh. A crush on a teacher who was unattainable. That was relieving, but that didn’t answer the whole question. 

Gin’s curiosity was a spiraling thing. “And what about the kisses and other stuff you did? Who was it with?”

Hijikata blanched, looking a little abashed. “No-one special.”

“Oh come on,” He urged and paused. Staring at the reluctant expression on Hijikata’s face, he came to the realization all on his own. “The kid who molested you? That’s your first kiss?”

A moment passed and then, Hijikata breathed in like he had been hit. “You knew?”

“Well, yeah.” Gin admitted. “I mean, if the teacher responsible for you didn’t know about that, it’d be surprising.”

Hijikata looked a little disappointed. “With the way you were acting, I thought you didn’t know.” He positively pouted. 

Gintoki gave a surprised laugh. “What are you talking about? I’m a lazy teacher, remember? It’s a drag to wonder about student’s issues so I just leave them be.”

Hijikata stared up at him, his blue eyes glowing with some emotion that-- looked a lot like happiness.

Gintoki raised a brow.

He was finally starting to understand how Hijikata thought, for a change. It made sense now: why he always seemed a little pleased with Gintoki’s rough treatment. Not really pleased, but pleasantly surprised, in a way. After what happened to him in the other school, he definitely would have been treated a little delicately.

Like he was a doll waiting to break, people surrounding him might have come off a little too overwhelming with their sympathy and protectiveness. So with Gintoki, who was largely unaware and uncaring of his issues, he found some sort-of solace.

It made sense now.

Hijikata’s lips were twitching like he just couldn’t stop himself. It was a little cute, to be honest.

Gintoki carded his fingers through Hijikata’s soft locks, leaned in and brushed a chaste kiss over his lips. 

Hijikata grabbed his head, stopping him right there. Their eyes met for a second and they connected their lips together, inclining their heads, eyes going closed.

It was honest to god, the greatest kiss they had shared so far. He didn’t really know why.


	6. Preoccupation AKA I can’t stop finking bout u

The recurring nightmare started as it always did; with fluctuating blanks in-between and one image, one impression in particular. The dream poured through his body like a stabbing wound, aching and aching somewhere in his throat and drowning somewhere at the pit of his stomach. 

“Hijikata-san,” a mocking, cruel voice called out from the depths of his consciousness. 

His head throbbed and throbbed two more times.

A smile that was laced with malicious intent flashed in his mind before he woke up.

He jolted up into a sitting position, with a heaving chest, his breaths panting out of him as he gathered the comforter in his fingers. Clenching and twisting them for a little while, he regained some sense of composure and tugged the comforter closer to his chilly limbs. He looked up and perceived to himself that darkness was all that engulfed him. Except for that little beam of moonlight that fell across his desk from his window. He was all alone.

His knees folded and arms came around to enrap them as he put his forehead on top. 

Why was that dream always bothering him? Wasn’t he over it?

To be someone with no troubles was-- was that too much to ask? More than anything, he wanted a sense of normalcy, a sense of order. That's what all the extracurricular participation was for. To occupy his mind so he didn't need to think. 

His mind could just numb itself occupied with solving a difficult math equation, with learning a different language, with scheduling his time in a complex, constricted maze so he'd never get out. Running and running from the haunts that shrouded his back, like a gigantic, grotesque monster who creeped closer and closer with every step he took forward.

He remembered his older brother’s face-- after the accident-- and clamped his eyes together tighter. Forget about it. Forget it. He dug his nails into his forearms, trying to rid the images out of his mind.

Forget--

  
  
  


That morning, he was a despairing zombie, swaying here and there as he plowed through street after street with heavy feet. He was heading to school, as was almost routine now after two months of taking the same path. 

His eyes were twitching, burning at the edges as he resisted the urge to close them completely and fall asleep right there. He ignored the pretty landscape that he had parsed the day before on his way to the convenience store. He could remember the almost grey, bare branches and coral, olive, and honey leaves hanging by the thread to the trees around him. The pavement, rough and marked with various daily going-ons, was sprinkled with discarded cherry blossoms. It was a great scenery the day before but all of it just passed through his peripheral in a grey, meaningless blur. 

Pretty soon, the rumblings and murmurings of the student around him raised his awareness to the fact that he was within Lake Toya High School’s range. The hairs on his neck stood on attention as he heard the loud giggles of a group of female students walking next to him. A boy barked out a greeting right behind him, startling him. The boy then ran past him, almost brushing shoulders with him. 

And then, a butterfly flew up to his face. All the immediate stress that coursed through his nerves like a bunch of harried, irritated bees was transmuted to this urge. The urge was irrational, a minute-thought that traced right down to the muscles of his wrist. Automatically, almost like a reflex, he smacked the butterfly away. 

“Tch,” He muttered grumpily, looking at his hand in disgust as the butterfly flew off who-knows-where, probably wondering what kind of asshole would dare hit it. 

“Well, well, somebody is really in a bad mood, huh?” said a voice behind him. “What did the poor butterfly ever do to you anyway?”

It was a familiar voice-- a familiar pattern of speaking-- with its various nuances that made up the whole: a mixture of bold and audacious, with a hint of amusement and irreverence, cockiness and laziness topping it off like a nice package. So that the words coming out of that insolent mouth sounded like a gradual sensual touch. It both irritated and excited him. A contradiction in many ways, that teacher of his.

Promptly, as he turned around to look at Gintoki Sakata standing behind him, the recurring images that had been battering him since he woke up left him like a heavy, dreary cloud had parted from above. It revealed a sight to him he had never seen before. Above his teacher’s bizarre silver yet light blue head, he saw the sky and it was a brighter blue than he had ever seen. The sun’s light shimmered in the corner of his eye and he brought up a hand to cover as he sought that color with his searching gaze. Something about it-- it looked so refreshing and beautiful, that kind of blue. And now that he noticed it, the cool air he was inhaling was like a breath of fresh air. He liked how it settled against his lungs and got rid of that troublesome ache in his chest like it hadn’t ever been there.

“Hey,” Gintoki snapped his fingers in front of Toushirou, waking him up from his sudden preoccupation with the sky. “You okay? You’re looking a little weird there.”

Toushi found that heat had surfaced on his cheeks without his permission again. He cursed at his easily flustered self internally as he straightened up on the outside, giving an indifferent, hard gaze back at his teacher. “Weird? How? Isn’t it you who looks weird to begin with, sensei?”

Gin-sensei grimaced like he tasted a bad fish and tilted his head aside, rubbing the back of his head. “You’re getting more and more impudent everyday, brat.” His hand stopped rubbing and slid to a halt on his neck as he glanced at Toushi with this face-- he couldn’t describe that face, to be honest. He could guess that it was look filled with a little curiosity, a little cautiousness, but other than that, he couldn’t identify what else there was that made it different, that made it strange and intriguing at the same time. “Never gonna give me a straight answer, will you?”

“Not in this lifetime,” replied Toushi with a cheeky smile. The edge of his lips didn’t waver like they always did when he faked it. 

“So arrogant,” grumbled Gin-sensei, staring down at him with his arms crossed.

Toushi smiled brighter unconsciously, but quickly let his lips turn into a teasing pout. “So condescending,” he admonished his teacher right back. 

Gin-sensei’s eyebrows ticked, his eyes narrowing and sliding deliberately over Toushi’s lips. The look got him-- right in the heart. Like a fist closing around it and squeezing. The desire that flourished out of his skin wasn’t born, it resurfaced. 

The things Gintoki sensei did to him with just a look.

Gin-sensei cleared his throat and turned away. “School gates will start closing if you don’t hurry.”

He started walking to the entrance of Lake Toya High School and Toushi watched him, feeling saliva gather in his mouth. He had so much desire in his body and it was all accumulating within him with no exit. No release.

Dammit. When was this perverted geezer finally going to make a move? The last time, he stopped it from developing because he felt “weird” about being called sensei, but it wasn’t like they could ignore that Toushi was his student. He had thought Gin-sensei didn’t care for it (why would he? He didn’t care for many of the school’s rules. He was a complete heretic, in Toushi’s opinion) but apparently, he did.

The man was full of contradictions. He really didn’t understand him.

Toushi stood there and took a deep breath in instead of sighing. The cold rush of air as it entered his throat and dropped into his lungs was so soothing. The bad images truly were gone. If he thought hard about them, they might return, but--

He looked at sensei’s back as he entered the high school, greeting a few students around him as he went. Gintoki sensei made him forget them so easily.

What was it about him?

  
  
  


“He grew up in a foster house,” Katsura informed him that day at lunch. They were sitting on the rooftop in a haphazard circle: him, Katsura, Kondou, Shinpachi, Kagura, Tsukuyo, and Sarutobi.

Toushi looked at the long-haired student with wide eyes. “Seriously?” That was news to him.

“Well, yeah.” Shinpachi added his two-bits between attacking his sweet bread. “He was adopted later at the age of seven by a teacher who taught Classic Japanese and history from a school in Shinjuku, I think. That’s why, he wanted to be a teacher in the first place.”

Toushi blinked. “That’s… nice, I guess. Does that teacher live with Gintoki?”

“Hmm,” chewed Shinpachi thoughtfully. He lifted his eyes and focused his straight-forward eyes at Toushi through his glasses.

“Shoyo-sensei had lung cancer.” Tsukuyo continued, puffing out smoke into the air as she held the burning cigarette stick between her index and middle finger. Toushi looked at her in shock. “He hid that from Gintoki for a long time. I think Gintoki was in college when he got a call from the hospital, telling him that the cancer had spread to Shoyo-sensei’s other organs.”

“No way.” muttered Toushi under his breath, horrified to even imagine such a thing.

“Anyway, he passed away five years ago, approximately.” Tsukuyo brought the cigarette to her lips again and took a sweet, long drag again.

Toushi looked at her askance. “You,” She sounded sober enough but her behavior was really nonchalant for someone telling a sad story. And smoking a cigarette while talking about lung cancer… this school really was filled with interesting people and by that he meant, insane.

_‘What was my sister-in-law thinking, sending me here of all places?’_ He had wondered the first day. Seeing the state of his class. The teachers. It really confused him. It didn’t make sense.

But they were, as Gintoki had told him on the first day, good people. He could see that, even if you had to squint a little.

“How do you guys know all this?” Toushi questioned, finally giving up on holding back his never-ending curiosity about Gintoki sensei.

“He’s been our homeroom teacher for two years now.” Kagura told him, waving her hands about. “And we visit his home whenever we feel like it so sometimes we go through his stuff.”

“More like always.” giggled Sarutobi with a grin.

“Also, Katsura knew Gin-sensei in his childhood, right?” Shinpachi pointed out.

Toushi looked at Katsura again. “Really? How?”

“We lived in the same neighborhood,” Katsura explained, arms folded together and his eyes closed like he was praying or something. Come to think of it, Katsura acted like a high-fi aristocrat with his straight-backed posture and that formal speech of his. Was he a son of a millionaire or something? “Shoyo-sensei’s house was near ours and he was our sensei in middle school for a little while.” Then, a smile curved Katsura’s lips. “Gintoki may have been older than us by three years but he acted like a kid every time. With that condescending tone of his, he pissed off Shinsuke way too much.”

“Shinsuke? Wait, never mind that. Three years?” goggled Toushi. “How old are you then? As a matter of fact, how old is Gintoki sensei?”

“He’s twenty five.” Katsura admitted and looked up with a large, goofy grin on his face. “I’m seventeen, of course.” 

He never sounded so unconvincing as he did now. Even more so because he started laughing like a maniac.

Toushi eyed the male student warily and glanced at Shinpachi sighing beside him. “Katsura-san is actually twentmmph--”

Katsura shoved his hands over Shinpachi’s mouth, effectively shutting him up. “No, no, I’m seventeen. I’m seventeeeeeen.” He insisted repeatedly with unhinged eyes, glaring down at Shinpachi like he was the plague.

“Uhhh--” Toushi had no idea what was going on anymore. 

“Yes, yes, you’re seventeen.” Tsukuyo patted Katsura’s shoulder, an exasperated grimace on her face. “Now, stop suffocating Shinpachi-kun, please.” 

Katsura let go of Shinpachi and fell into a sitting position, leaning against the wired fences enclosing the rooftop. 

“Well, let’s put a close on that subject, shall we?” Tsukuyo suggested with a polite smile, to which everyone nodded along. He only thought people like Kagura were inclined toward violent behavior but maybe, all the people with the their first name beginning with K were a bunch of volatile idiots.

“So is that all you were curious about?” Shinpachi inquired, studying him with intent eyes.

“Yeah,” Toushi lied, not wanting to appear too greedy. 

_ For now. _ He told himself.

  
  
  
  


“You crazy, kid?” Gintoki asked him out of the blue, in the middle of class. His classmates’ noise level decreased the slightest bit as a few in his surroundings noticed the teacher confronting Toushi in the midst of the chaos that was classroom III-A. Gintoki sensei had a hand on his hip and a displeased look to his face. He looked like he had sucked on a lemon and was dealing with the tangy aftertaste.

“Huh?” was Toushirou’s oh-so elegant response, his jaw slack. What else was he supposed to say? This whole thing came out of the left field. There he was, just sitting innocently, staring at the blackboard with a detached sense of self. Ignoring all the noise around him as extraneous variables, he had reflected on things that he wasn’t supposed to reflect on. He hadn’t been able to stop himself from that since he couldn’t focus on homework, classwork or any other work because of the continual jibber-jabber around him. 

Then in came Gintoki sensei, the reason he was having a hard time in the first place, looking for all intents and purposes like Toushirou had done something to him.

“No, really, I’m concerned for you, kid.” said in a faux-worried tone, Gintoki-sensei gestured with his hands at Toushi earnestly while the amber glint in his eye remained flat. “It’s really worrying how you go from one mood to the next. It can’t be normal. Have you ever gone to a psychiatrist? It would probably do you good.”

Toushi didn’t know why sensei was picking a fight with him in the middle of class. From what he had experienced so far, with them, fighting almost always lead to making out. He didn’t know the reason why it did but it was truly becoming a pattern with them. Nonetheless, no matter what he was starting to feel for this stupid teacher (a sort-of contentment with the world around him, a curiosity, an itch, a yearning), he stood up and faced him head-on.

“I don’t know what your problem is, but the one with the mood-swings here is obviously you.” he retorted calmly all the while he wracked his brain to think of anything else to add, trying to find a way to turn this around on the guy. It was a matter of pride in this case. With so many students watching him, he couldn’t possibly lose. “I didn’t even say or do anything today and yet, you come here of your own compulsion to-- what? Harrass me? Why are you so obsessed with me, sensei? Do you have nothing of relevance to do today? Maybe, you should give teaching a try once in a while. I've heard it's a noble job.”

Gin-sensei had a thin, squeezed smile on his face, as if he was holding the urge but couldn’t stop himself. There was that amber light he recognized that flared in his eyes as he listened to Toushirou speak. He was so weird to be turned on by Toushi’s tongue-lashing.

Then, his mouth opened once again. “Don’t act all smart with me, you’ve been after me since the day you transferred. Every single day, raising your hand, asking all kinds of questions, challenging me on everything. And yet today, it’s like--”

Gintoki sensei’s rapid complaint cut off in the middle at a suspicious place. The teacher in question glanced at the other kids around them, who were staring at the two of them with growing interest. 

“It’s like what, sensei?” Toushirou dared, arms crossing around his chest. 

Gintoki just looked at him, his mouth mute yet his eyes so alive with emotions. 

His eyes expressed the misery somehow:  _ It’s like I don’t even exist. _

A part of him softened and turned to mush on the spot and the other part made him hot under the collar.

Ah, geez.

This was definitely a kind-of foreplay for them, wasn’t it?

The question was: why exactly were they doing it here, in the middle of class?

They stared at one another, an awkward silence stretching before them. Toushi made a sign with his eye that they should definitely leave the classroom right now. Gintoki seemed to agree if his sudden anticipating look was any indication.

“A-AH, you really have done it now.” Gintoki said a little too loud. His face pinched inward as he waved a patronizing finger at Toushi’s face. “I’m gonna have you come with me to the Principal’s office so we can talk about your behavior and what we can do about it. You know, discipline you and stuff.” 

Gintoki was truly hopeless.

Oh well, in for a penny...

“R-right, I mean--” Toushi quickly back-tracked. He emulated his customary scowl that he felt in no way fitted his mood just now. “Fuck you, I don’t wanna.”

“Too bad, you’re coming with me.” Gintoki held Toushi's arm in his grasp and slowly started to tug him out of the classroom. Well, fake-tugged, more like. Toushirou was walking along, not really resisting where they went next. They closed the door on a speechless classroom behind them and stopped for a beat. Exchanging conspiratorial smiles, they rolled their eyes at the embarrassing things they’d said and done back there.

“Come on,” Gintoki urged, grabbing his wrist this time and leading him gently with him.

“Where we going?” Toushirou asked with a small curve lurking to the hem of his lips.

“Empty classroom, what else?” answered his carefree, rule-breaking teacher and Toushirou chuckled at that forced flippant attitude, looking at the back of his sensei with soft eyes.

He was finally starting to decipher the little quirks here and there and what they meant in the larger context, with sensei.

Gintoki was a little clumsy and probably, lonely too. He was rebellious to the very end, because he was running from something, just like Hijikata was. And most importantly, he may act like he didn’t care for being a teacher but he was probably someone who held this position at a higher altitude of respect than anyone else.

That was why Toushirou was sure they weren’t going to go all the way today either, if it were all left up to Gintoki.

_ Maybe _ , he decided in a moment of playful serenity,  _ I will finally give that final push you need, sensei. _

  
  
  
  
  


Meanwhile, in classroom III-A, Toushirou’s classmates stared at the closed door with a skeptical silence.

“Do they think we seriously don’t see through them?” Kagura asked no-one in particular.

“They must think we’re idiots or something.” Tsukuyo commented, indifferent as always.

“Well, I for one, am having a hard time grasping this,” Shinpachi remarked, looking a little hassled. “But yeah, I kinda noticed already. They’re too obvious about it.”

“What? What? I don’t really get what you guys are saying.” Kondou cried out, standing up suddenly as he faced first Shinpachi then Kagura. “See through what? What’s obvious?”

Kagura stared at his panicked, baffled face with disdain. “You’re so dumb.”

“Huh?! But I don’t really get it!” Kondou ran frantic hands through his hair, stuck in a loop of unending confusion. “Somebody tell me what is obvious??!”

“Isn’t it--” Katsura’s deep, low voice interjected from his seat at the very tail of the classroom. All students turned to look at him. “--because Gintoki wants to spank Hijikata-san by himself, as a part of the discipline thing he was talking about?”

Everyone in the classroom gave him a dry look except for Kondou, who believed it all and was starting to freak out.

“Calm down,” suggested Tsukuyo, putting a hand over his shoulder to stop him on his track. He was probably thinking of rescuing Hijikata from the “spanking” out of some misguided notions. Simple-minded fools were really... 

Then, she happened to eye Sarutobi sitting at the front of the class, looking sulky. Ayame fiddled with her fingers and pouted to herself. “Which reminds me, Ayame, you okay with this? I thought you would surely burst a vein.”

“Well--” Ayame said quietly. “--If it’s a guy, I’m okay with it.” She shook her head, frowning to herself even harder as she thought through it. “Maybe.” Then, a weird smile bloomed on her face. It transformed into a lecherous grin as she giggled like a lunatic, huffing out a few more cackles as she forgot about the world in general and turned her face up to the ceiling, her eyes twinkling with delight and way past gone into some otherworldly place that was beyond human comprehension.

Tsukuyo stared at the lilac-haired girl with arched eyebrows and groaned, facepalming herself. 

God, this class.


	7. Exertion AKA there's nothing for it, i'm fucked

He cupped a soft, tan cheek in the palm of his right hand, his index finger swiping under the lobe of Hijikata’s red ear while his thumb tenderly caressed fine, thin side-burns. His eyes slit a look to the tightly closed ones across him and he playfully roved his tongue through the mouth fastened on his. Easing himself into the other’s mouth, angling his head, tracing his thumb upward, pressing in, he slipped his tongue further in, firmly holding onto that cheek-- trying to entice a reaction. To see--

Hijikata gasped into his mouth, that startled sound and quick inhale of breath both whipping into him like a whiff of cocaine, driving him wild with need. Heat swallowed him whole from the inside. Greed, like an urgent, demanding emperor, clawed out of his stomach. His other hand went from the wall behind Hijikata to grip his arm and Greed, like a horse huffed and growled: 

More.

Abandoning the idea of holding any part of Hijikata with just his hand, his arm went around Hijikata’s waist and enfolded him in an embrace that was going to end up having dangerous consequences. Already, he could feel the warmth of Hijikata’s close body.

Already, he was having a hard time not giving in to the feeling of falling into the other’s body and let his body do what it wanted to do.

His cock twitched under his grey dress pants. 

He was reminding himself with increasing failure that humping a student of his when he was a fully-grown man was lame, gross and really not cool. 

_ Calm down, little Gin. Keep it together. You can do it, champ! _

A hand at his torso shoved at him and the pair separated. Hijikata stared at him with half-lidded eyes.

“What?” Gintoki asked, wondering if the boy wanted him to stop and fully preparing himself for rejection.

The boy back-stepped, a gleam rising out of his eyes like steam, heat-ridden and full of intent. Hands came up to clasp the black, stuffy looking collar of his school uniform and slipped down, making Gintoki’s voice catch in his throat. Graceful fingers unlaced the first button, swimming down to unbutton the second one and going for the third--

“Hijikata?” Gin called, wary eyes on the third button that was in the middle of popping out of its fabric cage. “What do you think you're doing?”

Hijikata paused, pushed his face up and stared at him with dark, dewy eyes. 

“Seducing you.” He announced, voice matter-of-fact, eyebrows arching in a look of challenge.

Gin found his head shaking reflexively and stopped himself, barely repressing the desire thumping through his system. 

Opening his dry mouth, he urged himself to ask:

“Why?”

Hijikata tilted his head, his fingers absentmindedly popping out the third button. Gintoki caught a glimpse of the white shirt underneath but the base desire stuck. Because it wasn't the fact that he'd get to see bare skin that was having him go nearly insane. It was the simple idea of him stripping, the idea that a measure of slow and sinuous calculation was going through that head.

“‘Why?’” repeated Hijikata, looking oh-so entertained by his nervousness, a smile lurking near the edges. “Because you want me and I want you and you're holding back.”

“For a reason!” Gintoki was finally able to let out a more sure sounding voice. Exasperation leaked out of his words. “We’re in an empty classroom in the middle of school while my class just watched the two of us leave out the door. There’s no lock on the door.We’re in a precarious situation as it is!”

Hijikata’s eyes narrowed, his mouth pulling down firmly.

“If those reasons didn't exist.” He said, his voice laced with accusation. “If we were doing this in the privacy of your home. Would you still go farther than making out with me?”

The question caught him by surprise. Would he? He didn't know. He didn't think he could stop himself if they were all alone, but that was his problem to work out. There was no reason for Hijikata to look like he’d kicked his puppy. 

“I--” Gintoki began and trailed off, his eyes averting. He wouldn't be able to stop himself. Seeing him lying down beneath him, those gun-metal blue eyes staring up at him, goading him on, waiting for him with a hint of anticipation.

_ Catch me if you dare _ . His eyes would say. His lips would be plump from their kissing, his dark hair wild and messy, his clothes askew. He’ll press his elbow against the beige carpet of his living room to prop himself up, eyelashes fluttering, lips pursing, leaning closer and closer.

Before the vision in front of him got more vivid, he snapped himself out of it and glared at Hijikata, who gave him a bitter smile.

“It doesn't matter right now.” Gintoki made himself say, turning around. “We’re in school. We can't do this here.”

There was silence from behind him and he cursed himself under his breath. Did he sound too condescending? He didn't know. He didn't know how to handle this attraction-- this  _ thing _ \--between them.

“Okay,” came the abrupt assent in a low voice and he turned just in time to see Hijikata brush past him, sliding the door open and leaving in a sudden rush.

“Hey, Hijikata!” Gintoki called out, confused, but the boy had already walked away. He looked around the empty classroom and raked a hand through his hair, worried that he had hurt the boy’s feelings. But that's what he was: a boy. Just a young student who was-- smart, bold, and-- being unreasonable. Gin slapped a hand over his forehead. “Ugh!”

He wasn't wise or mature enough to handle this. It was starting to dawn on him that this thing between the two of them might be too important for him to half-ass like he did most everything.

He gave a sigh, swinging a droll look up at the ceiling. “Shoyo-sensei, what would you do?”

‘Probably not make out with my students in the first place,’ he could imagine sensei pointing out, that genial smile stretching his lips, but once his eyes would open, a steely, stern warning would reveal. His arms folded across his chest, he would-- he would say: ‘Why do you want the boy? Think about that first before you delve further into this tangled situation. I won't judge you for it unless your feelings for the boy are honest, not twisted by some egoist notion.’

‘Me, an egoist, pssh!’ Gintoki would reply, scoffing, his upper body hanging into the wooden chair’s headrest as he sulked. 

Sensei would come up to him and pat his head, light and gentle. ‘I know you will figure it out on your own.’

He was replacing an old, dusty memory with new context, but the feelings-- he admitted to himself-- would remain the same. Sensei would accept it, accept  _ him _ , no matter what.

Gintoki missed him. He missed the words he could hear in his imagination, that he knew without a doubt sensei would say. He missed the words he could have said, words he was only starting to realize he wanted to say. All these words, so many words, recklessly dropping into a void of silence, a place inside his heart, where there was only him and the heaviness of his grief.

  
  
  


Hijikata was sulking. It was the day after and Gintoki had a book raised in front of him, but his reddish-brown eyes were butterflies, they flitted off here and there. And there, it rested to the boy, whose head was facing away from him, blue eyes glued on the transparent glass window to the side. He looked to the window too, curious at what had his attention so fixed and only saw a dull, blue sky and some greenery in the distance.

He frowned harder, glaring at the kid, who wouldn’t look at him even once. 

A person clearing their throat very near him made him jump out of his seat and he turned to see Shinpachi standing in front of his desk with a judgemental look on his face. 

“Uh--” Gin coughed into his fist. “Yes, Shinpachi. Anything you want?”

“We're having a Odd jobs clubs gathering today.” Informed the boy, ire written plainly on his face. “Will you be able to make it?”

“Ah, right.” Gintoki straightened up in his seat, clearing his throat as he nodded. “That-- yeah. Sure.” He needed something to distract him from that insufferable kid anyway and it would have to be this.

“‘Kay. We’ll see you after school.”

“Yep,” Gin gave an overly nonchalant answer, which came out a little higher pitched as he was still fixated on the boy who refused to turn in his direction.

He didn't even say anything bad! He didn't know why the kid was mad with him in the first place.

A hand popped out, two fingers snapping together on his field of vision, intercepting his unending perusal. He lifted his head to see Shinpachi still standing there with a displeased frown decorating his forehead and thin lips.

“Uh- yeah?” Gintoki questioned, head canting, face scrunched up.

Shinpachi stared down, then glanced to the side and back at Gin again. He gave a heaving sigh.

“Should I invite Hijikata-kun to join us?” 

“Huh?” Gintoki almost catapulted. “No! Of course not.”

Shinpachi continued to give him a dubious look like ‘You sure?’, which was pissing him off. 

The silvery haired teacher exhaled heavily, “No, okay. That's my-- I mean, our thing. He's most certainly not invited.”

Shinpachi’s eyebrows rose behind his oval-shaped glasses. His face relaxed a second later, only to be replaced by a mild smile. “Okay, five-year old kid.” He said sarcastically. “I won't invite Barbie to the tea party if you insist so much.”

Gintoki scowled, eyes narrowed to a somewhat mild intensity. “Watch it, kid. I can ground you. I have the power to do it, don't test me. I really will do it.”

The boy gave a hearty laugh in response, wholly unthreatened and unimpressed. 

“I'm warning you.”

“Sure,” Shinpachi turned around, waving a hand behind him to show how many fucks he actually gave. “Just keep it in your pants, will you?”

Gintoki watched the boy with a downward twist to his features, parsing those last words with a hefty amount of suspicion.

Did Shinpachi know?

He looked back to Hijikata, catching him staring back. He arched a brow in question.

A glower was his only answer before Hijikata turned away.

“Twat,” grumbled Gintoki under his breath, slouching further down into his seat.

They were being really obvious, was it any wonder if his students were starting to wise up to what exactly was going on?

  
  
  


Odd jobs club-- a fairly small club started by Shinpachi and Kagura after Gintoki sensei had helped both of them when they had been going through a tough time, respectively. Shinpachi had initially been a bit of a loner, got angry at the slightest thing and was generally a pain in the ass in class. His sister and a colleague of Gintoki, Tae Shimura, was concerned because he was being really out-of-character, in her opinion and she asked Gintoki for help. 

Well, she just told him that Shinpachi wasn’t talking to her lately and that she was concerned and told him to watch out for her little brother and Gintoki, being the nosy-minded idiot he was, got himself involved.

It was only incidentally that Gintoki had come upon Shinpachi being cornered by a couple of third-years during lunch break that he found out the reason for this kid’s apparent “out-of-characterness”.  Seeing the sensei, the third-years laughed nervously, patted Shinpachi’s shoulder and walked away like the scene Gintoki just came upon wasn’t straight out of a movie. 

Shinpachi was being bullied for his lunch money and sometimes, was forced to do small errands for the snotty, dumb third years. It wasn’t their fault exactly. Shinpachi had the look of someone just looking to be bullied. 

Not that his personality matched the meek, subversive and geeky person people assumed him to be. Sure, he was conscientious. Bit of a straight man, to be honest. But he had the kind-of twisted sense of humor that matched with Gintoki’s own amateurish one.

Kagura’s problem, on the other hand, was still sort-of unknown.

Kagura had actually run away from home (specifically, from her father) and stole into Otose’s office late at night by breaking into the school. After finding her, the actually soft-hearted principal grudgingly let her stay and later, attend school too. But letting her stay at her office or even her house was not plausible because Kagura was one noisy, messy little kid. So when Otose couldn't take the over-demanding kid’s tantrums, she rented an apartment for Kagura to live in.

It was just Gintoki’s luck that she assigned him to be responsible for Kagura’s well being by renting the apartment right next to Gintoki’s. Apparently if you saved an old woman’s life one time by pure accident, you would forever be stuck as her right-hand man.

After Kagura and Gin got to know each other better or really, after they started having dinner together every night, Kagura opened up about why she ran away.

In the end, Gintoki sympathized like a total idiot and let her wreak havoc around him as she liked. Shinpachi and her got along like a pair of siblings separated at birth and by that he meant, not at all. And somehow, somewhere along the way, Gintoki was forced to be their faculty advisor for a club named Odd Jobs. 

What the club entailed was… 

“She’s so reserved and isolated now, it’s impossible to get her out and do something normal for once.” said a long-haired, brown-haired man. He sat across from them on a chair and his head was bent down, his brows furrowed mournfully. “I really want her to be happy, but…”

Gintoki lay horizontally across the sofa in their club room, his arms laying behind his head, and his eyes on the ceiling. Kagura and Shinpachi sat on the dusty desks on the side, staring at the man with somewhat serious expressions.

“First of all,” began Gintoki, before Shinpachi or Kagura could say anything. “We take jobs only from students, not adults. And second of all, why should I care if some kid likes to be alone? It’s her business.”

The man smiled. “Yes, well, Kyuubi-sama’s case is a little unique. She’s… she prefers to dress as a guy.”

There was a moment where the three of them processed that and then:

“What do you mean, prefers to dress as a guy?” Shinpachi backtracked, clearly baffled. “Do you mean she wants to be a guy or something?”

“Well, her father and grandfather raised her to be… a son, I guess.”

“Raised her to be--”

“Our dojo needed a male heir.” said the man nervously.

Gintoki noticed Kagura cross her arms out the corner of his eye. 

“So you want us to revert her back to a girl, is that it?” Kagura questioned, looking on the man with cold anger.

“No--Not really. I just want her to have friends. You know, hang out with people her own age and gossip and stuff.”

“Gossip and stuff,” snorted Gintoki to himself. “Is that what you think girls are like?”

“Well, some of them are.” shrugged Shinpachi casually.

Gintoki wasn’t so lucky as to meet those types of girls. All he ever seemed to make acquaintance with were girls who were physical-- just so physical it hurt. His bones ached just remembering.

“Listen,” Gintoki sat up, a hand sweeping through his hair as he faced the man. “Chances are, this kid is intelligent enough to know that being normal is the last thing she wants to be. And if that’s the case, I am not interfering. But if I notice that she does want friends and is only afraid to make them because of what she wears, well.”

He just knew Shinpachi was smiling when he continued where Gintoki trailed off:

“We’ll help.”

So that was what he did sometimes after-school. Hear student’s problems and try to solve them if they were manageable and concerning enough to warrant help.

It was sometimes fun and sometimes, a drag. So they only did these meetings when they knew people were gonna show up with their problems and then they tried to do these jobs as soon as possible. 

The reward? Unfortunately, there was none.

But it was a good club. Even if he was forced into it. 


	8. Stalemale AND something is brewing, I can feel it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus, enters the queen! (i have a thing for Sarutobi so sue me. but this is actually going somewhere so... everything is for a reason! plot! conflict! you know, all those good things)

Sarutobi Ayame was sitting in class during lunch break, solving the math equations her Math teacher had assigned them for homework. She had to hand them in today after the break so she was trying to finish them before the bell rung.

Just as she moved onto the third question, she noticed a presence hovering, casting a shadow over her. She glanced up to see Hijikata Toushirou standing there, his fingers pressed together as he smiled at her.

“Hi,”

She raised a brow, relaxing back into her seat as she surveyed him with a critical eye.

“Can I sit here?” asked Hijikata, looking sort-of stiff and out-of-place when she didn’t answer at all. He sat right in front of her anyway, the impudent little brat. 

She bristled and as he faced her, she asked almost rudely: “You need anything?”

He breathed a small breath out, supposedly preparing himself before he fixed her with a pleading look. “I need your help.”

Canting her head to the side, she raised a brow. “What is it?” Her voice was thin, soft yet cold.

He gazed down at his feet, “Um,” He lifted a hand, gesturing with it as he went to say: “The day I volunteered for male rep of this class, I remember you wanted to be the female rep.”

“I did,” She nodded, her arms coming up to cross over her chest.

“Well, are you still interested in that position?”

She thought about it, rolled the notion in her noggin for a few seconds and shook her head, a sardonic smirk on her face. “Nope, I only did that to be together with Gin-sensei. And it honestly sounds like a drag.”

“Uhhhh,” Hijikata gave her a bewildered look, mouth open, gaze blank. “Okay.”

Her lips twitched, staring him down with a mischievous gleam shining out of her eyes.

“Why’re you asking anyway?”

“Yeah, about that--” He licked his lips, scooching forward, looking around him before he gave her an awkward look as he admitted: “I’m not really...social.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” She shrugged and pointed out: “You have like five friends and you’ve been here only two months.”

Hijikata gave a nervous laugh. “Yeah, that-- I’m as surprised about it as you are.” He looked so damn pleased about it too like it was Christmas or something. She gave him a deadpan look and he backtracked, jumping ahead with his main point: “I’m asking because I have to take some kind-of opinion poll from our classroom-- about where they would want to go for the trip.”

“Oh,” She hardly blinked. She derived some kind-of twisted pleasure from seeing him squirm and stutter.

“And I have no idea how to do that. I mean, I could’ve done this during homeroom and even during--” he paused for a beat, a grimace touching his lips. “--Gintoki-sensei’s class. But I-I…” He trailed off, slouching a little.

She raised a brow, observing his mannerisms. The way he clutched his knuckles inward, nails biting into his fists. His soft, heaving sigh. The almost inaudible tension that seemed to be wafting off his shoulders.

“You’re shy?” 

“No,” He disagreed outright, almost like he expected that question. “That’s not it. I just-- I’ve been busy and the opinion poll, they need the decision tomorrow and--”

There was a limit to how innocuously naive and uncertain someone could be. Ayame couldn’t take it anymore. 

She stood up and shouted down at him: “Oh, for God’s sake! You’re in the good graces of Gin-sensei! You know all the cool kids in class and hang with them daily. You’re in the social circle that few only ever day-dream about and  _ you’re _ unsure about going to the front of the class and asking a bloody question?!”

He stared wide-eyed as she spewed out her ire at him and for a beat, he silently processed her outburst with a dubious expression on his face. Then he recovered.

“Have I done something to you?” He asked, low voice, eyebrows furrowed. “I mean, I’m pretty sure you’re friends with the cool kids too. So I don’t know why you seem so-- hateful to me.”

Oh no, he didn’t.

“This isn’t about  _ friends _ .” She emphasized her disdain for just the thought of it. “This is about Gin-sensei and how you’ve stolen him from me!”

Like a slow worm, Hijikata reacted. He froze for a bit, and then, worm-slow pressed his lips together. He side-eyed the empty classroom around him, enlarged his eyes, and separated his lips.

“I-- I haven’t--I mean, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Save it,” She ordered.

“Right,” He obeyed, zipping up his lips.

She gave a sigh, sat back down, giving up on her indignant anger. From where she had been standing, looking down on Hijikata’s complacent expression and his nervous tic of a body, just made her pity him instead of ignite her anger all the more. There were just better things to be angry about.

“You want me to be a female rep, is that it?”

He perked up. “Yes, that’s exactly what I want. How’d you guess?”

She ignored his question and demanded: “Next time, just be upfront with me. I don’t want to listen to you to drone on about your insecurities.” She pointed her index finger at him, glaring. “We’re not friends. I don’t like you. In fact, I quite hate you.”

Hijikata gave a little shake of his head, “I’m not--” She gave him a threatening look, knowing he was about to lie about Gin-sensei and him. He stopped and shut up once again.

She smiled a little. She could get used to him listening to her every order. That was sort-of satisfying.

_ Huh.  _ She thought.  _ I thought I liked to be masochist. May need to rethink that, I suppose... _

“So, when do you need to give the class’ decision again?”

Hijikata hesitated, “Tomorrow,”

She stared at him.

He gave her a sheepish look.

She held back her long-suffering sigh and the urge to roll her eyes. 

Instead, she folded her arms on the desk, leaned in and asked: “How good are you at Math?” 

 

“...So I know this poem sounds kinda weird but I promise it makes all the sense in the world…” He was rambling, Hattori Zenzou knew, standing in front of class III-A with a poetry text in one hand as he gestured with the other. “So forget stanza one for now. Think about what Dickinson wrote in her second stanza. ‘The Sexton keeps the Key to - Putting up - Our Life - His porcelain - Like a Cup.’” He completed the stanza, wondering what he could really say about what that stanza meant. Then, he looked down at the third stanza and knew he could explain the idea with both of them read together so he went on: “--and the third stanza is--”

A student raised their hand in his peripheral. 

_ Oh, thank god.  _ Zenzou was fucking done with the whole day. It was Friday. He had been pontificating to his uninterested, glaze-eyed audience for the whole week and he needed a break from trying to explain something that he himself had a hard time analyzing. The students weren’t much help, just staring at him or looking out the window like they wanted to be anywhere but here.

Sometimes, he wondered if he shouldn’t just follow Gintoki’s way. It seemed so easy. So goddamn easy. But he knew the lucky bastard had gained some personal favor from Otose or else, he would be getting the high ticket out of here anytime.

So Zenzou made do with what he could do; which was just read up on the texts he was teaching online and try to repeat that to the class. It was working so far. Or it would be working if his mind wasn’t so numb.

Who the fuck cared what Dickinson said? He just wanted to read his Shounen JUMP weekly.

“Sensei,” called a familiar voice-- a female, almost squeaky voice that aimed to get under his nerves and find a nest there-- catching, no, demanding his attention back to the class in front of him.

“What is it?” He asked, eyes half-lidded and dark-circled. There stood the bane of his existence: a girl with a crown of lilac hair, falling in straight lines in and over her shoulders, her smart-aleck eyes hidden partially by the rectangular-framed glasses on her face.

She opened her mouth to say something, paused, assessed his tired-looking face and glared.

“Have you been playing video-games at night?” She demanded, accusatory.

_ Oh, brother. _

“No, I haven’t.” He answered with a tiny bit of a whine, which couldn’t be helped because she brought that out of him. He was so tired of her meddling questions already that he wanted to go back and try to dissect the abstract poem in front of him.

She made a face, as if she was disappointed in him. He would point out her hypocrisy at letting her beloved Gintoki-sensei do anything, but he was weary of bringing a dead horse to an age-old fight. All his arguments about Gintoki went from one ear and out the other. Futile, really. 

A student somewhere to the left of her coughed from behind. She stopped looking like she was about to go on some lecture and regained some composure.

“As a female student representative of class III-A--”

“--you’re female representative?” Tsukuyo asked abruptly-- roused out of her stupefication to straighten up-- looking like this was news to her.

It was news to Hattori too.

“--yes, I am. And I have an urgent assignment for tomorrow’s representative meeting that I have to complete. Can I have a few minutes to ask the classroom a few questions.”

It wasn’t a request. It was a statement.

He stared at the look she gave him-- as if she was so sure he wouldn’t mind and he had half a mind to point out to her, just out of spite, that this wasn’t homeroom but it was no use arguing against her. “Go ahead,”

“Hm,” She raised her head up high, like a swan, turned her head back and gave a smug look to the guy who had coughed.

Then, both of them stood up, went to the front of the class and asked which of the students would like to go to this place or that place for the annual three-day field trip.

“Kyoto?”

A few murmurs; voices of dissent and voices of assent mixed in.

“Ehh, been there, done that.” He heard.

“Onsen sounds like fun.”

“Isn’t that your hometown?”

“I don’t wanna go back home.”

“No, there’s historical importance, you can’t just--”

“Okay. Those of you who want to go to Kyoto, raise your hands.”

The students looked at one another. Some shrugged. Some made faces. Some shook their head. A few hands raised.

Sarutobi counted them, went to the blackboard, wrote the number of students next to Kyoto’s name.

“Next is…” Sarutobi read from a card, looking up: “Osaka. What do you guys think?”

“What are we talking here--” Shinpachi began, leaning forward. “--universal studio Osaka? Or just the typical sightseeing deal?”

Sarutobi looked at the card again. “You might get to go to Tsutenkaku, Dotonbori and that famous Aquarium they have.”

“Really?” Kagura asked, eyes sparkling. 

“Sure,” Sarutobi replied, not looking sure.

“Sounds fun,” Tsukuyo said.

“I don’t know.” Shinpachi said.

“Give it up already. You knew Universal studios was a far-fetched idea.”

“But--”

“Alright, raise your hands.” Sarutobi interjected.

The dude standing next to Ayame stiffened almost immediately as he watched more than half the class raise their hands.

“Twenty-one,” Sarutobi said after counting the number of raised hands, went back to write it next to the measly six for Kyoto and muttered aloud: “Osaka, it is.”

The look of dawning horror on the kid accompanying her was a sight to see as-- Zenzou guessed he was the male student representative-- Sarutobi wrote down the result of their decision on the card and the whole classroom roared with cheerful chatter.

He gave the kid a look of camaraderie. Yeah, life sucked sometimes. He could feel the kid’s pain even if he didn’t know his name. The Sarutobis of the world decided your fate for you before you could even say a thing about it.

Fucking Sarutobi Ayame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine all teachers aren't like Zenzou or Gintoki but I am an adult so I also imagine being on the authoritative side doesn't actually make you any good at it.  
> Also, I am unfamiliar with Japanese sites or school field trips in Japan. The idea for the whole thing came from the many manga/anime I've read/seen. So if i'm inaccurate, please forgive me. I tried. *shrugs*


	9. Trigger AKA came out of the left field

He was returning home from the representative meeting at his school when it happened.

It was drizzling fast and heavy, dropping on his water-resistant jacket like needles attacking from the sky. The sun had set mid-way, streaking the sky with a shade of orange-blue light and the ground was tinged with an increasingly overcoming dark-indigo shadow. He side-stepped many puddles in the way, but couldn’t avoid the direct and indirect splashes from drenching his shoes.

Finally, his apartment complex was in view and he dashed the rest of the way, head bent down low as he hurriedly climbed the steps up to the first floor where to his relief, a roof saved him from the unrelenting shower.

He gave a sigh of relief, head rising back up again, his steps slowing a little. His chest heaved in and out as he waited to get his breath back. Wiping down his wet face, feeling somewhat normal again, he headed to his where his apartment room was.

Just to the right, a few steps away. As he gazed out into the pattering rain with a grimace while ambling down the hall, he started to hear voices-- among them, a loud, angry voice that caught his attention.

He stared at a short, gray-haired old lady he had seen around the apartment complex a few times-- coming to the conclusion that she lived in some apartment near his-- crowded against a door by a hulking figure of a man. The man was hovering over her, his features menacing. He was spitting out angry words-- that Toushi could barely understand-- at the vulnerable woman and something about that sight was so familiar-- so painfully familiar that he could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

He found his nerves vibrating-- urgency surging through his spine-- as he was unpleasantly thrown back to a time-- to a time--

_ ‘Look at him! The way he stares at me-- control your brat, Tamegorou. He looks just like demon-eyed child!’ _

_ ‘I’d watch where you go, freak!’ _

_ ‘You’re not normal. Freak.’ _

_ Towering, dark figures. Sneering, jeering eyes. Glaring eyes that glinted red as he looked up. The pressure of it was suffocating, like a noose tightening around his neck slowly… slowly…  _

_ ‘I hope you just died--’ _

He reacted. Didn’t think. Just did.

“HEY!”

Shoving his way in-between the man and the old woman, intercepting the stormy argument, he turned to glare down the man.

“Leave her alone.” He warned, his voice tasting like acid as he swallowed down his nerves.

He tried to keep the rage simmering inside him down; calm yet stormy, that was him. 

“Huh?” The man responded, giving him a ‘You Lost, kid?’ Look. He had a bewildered face at Toushi’s daring, his body language loomed with unspoken threats -- Toushi could tell the signs and knew he wasn’t misreading the situation-- and then the man looked behind Toushi’s shoulder. “Who the fuck is this dumb dumb? Your new son?”

When the old woman behind him didn’t say anything, the tall man gave a harsh, bitter laugh, shaking his head. “Typical.” He stepped forward, teeth bared. “Is he that bastard’s son? You replaced me too, didn’t you? You god-awful unfaithful--”

“Back away!” Toushi yelled, keeping a hand up to stop the man from advancing.

Irritation crossed the man’s face and he returned his gaze back to Toushi’s. He sneered as Toushi glared at him in reproach.

“Who the fuck do you think you are, tits-for-brains? This is between her and me, do yo--”

“I don’t fucking care.” He breathed out, nostrils flaring, glare steady-on. “You don’t talk to her that way.”

A displeased frown marred the man’s face and he bent down low so he hovered directly over Toushi.

“Don’t tell me how to talk to my mom.”

“I wouldn’t have to if you minded your manners, you disgusting asshole.”

The man gave a vexed sigh, pulled away and pinched the gap between his brows. “I swear to God, kid, you don’t wanna mess with me.”

“And you--”

“Dear, please--” the old woman’s meek interjection came from behind-- he heard it but he couldn’t feel anymore. The drumming of his heart was all he heard or was it the rain? The whoosh of the wind filled up his ears like cotton, blocking any other sound.

“You don’t wanna mess me, asshole.” He challenged.

The man gave a flat smile-- eyes ablaze with madness-- and punched Toushi smack-dab on the nose. Pain burst forth from it, impairing his ability to retaliate as he toppled clumsily into the wall.

“Haruhito, please, stop--”

“Shut up, you bi--”

Toushi regained his footing, eyes squinting to see where the asshole was-- judging from where the voice was coming from-- and slugged him a good one to the side of his face before he could say that vile word. 

“I’m not done, asshole.” He goaded the man named Haruhito on.

Blood welled up and dripped out of the asshole’s mouth. He spit it to the side, swiveling his head aside. His narrow, icy-chip eyes were at Toushi’s face again and promptly, creepily, a maniacal grin sliced his face as he cracked his knuckles.

“You’re gonna regret you did that.”

“Never,” He replied cheerily.

Haruhito grabbed him by the collar of his uniform shirt and slammed him forcefully against a wall. His fists raised up.

“HARUHITO, STOP!” Screeched the frail, old woman who Toushi assumed had no voice. They both looked at the woman. She was glaring at her son. “By the gods, he’s not Maizou’s son. He’s just my neighbor. A high schooler, at that! There’s no reason for you to take your anger out on a kid. Have you really fallen so low that you would attack a harmless kid?”

“He asked for it!”

“Every little child wants to fight, doesn’t mean you have to fall to their level.” Her wrinkled eyes that had been sort-of surprising in their fierceness and strength moved to Toushi’s. There was softness in them as she stared at him. “Now, let go of him before you do more damage.”

Haruhito gave a sigh entirely through his nose and moved back, letting go of Toushi’s collar.

“Don’t fucking interfere again, brat.” He warned, stepping further away.

“If you mind your manners and respect your mother, I won’t have to.”

Haruhito hissed and turned to his mother. “Ma, see that? Shit like that is why kids like these get beat around.”

_ ‘Kids like these-- they don’t amount to much good. They always ruin everything.’  _

So painfully familiar.

The woman stared helplessly, her eyes wide, her mouth open. Probably wondering what else she could say or do to get Toushi out of the mess he had dug himself in.

“It’s okay, though. I have patience of a saint--” Haruhito assured his mother, casual with his movements. “--so I’ll stop.” As his mother breathed a sigh of relief, her son jerked forward and socked Toushi in the solar plexus. Toushi groaned and bowed over, holding his stomach. 

“Now,” Haruhito said with relish, grinning a little.

And that was that.

  
  
  


“Come in, dear.” With a light hand on Toushi’s back, the old woman from apartment 109 led him through her entrance door.

Toushi held back long groans from spewing out of his mouth and instead, made do with a few grunts that couldn’t be controlled. It felt like a bat was taken to his stomach, it hurt so much. He staggered into the old woman’s living room, clutching his waist, looking only for a second at the decor. Oh fuck, that shit hurt.

“Here, sit down.” 

Oh yeah, that was a great idea except--

“Uughhhh,” He let out a groan as he contorted himself into a ball, sitting down on the floor. The muscles around his stomach protested and hollered their pain at him like he didn’t know already.

“Oh, look at you, poor dear. I’m sorry this happened--”

“Mmmm--” He shook his head, wincing at the aches, before he recovered enough head to respond properly: “No-- not at all. I’m the one th-that’s at--”

“Don’t strain yourself,” advised the nice lady. “I get it.”

“Right,” He panted a little, shifting a little to get in a more comfortable position. “Ma’am, if you need any more--”

“My name’s Suzuran.”

“Suzuran,” he sighed out, feeling a lot better in this position. “I’m sorry for butting in like I did. I just… didn’t like how he was--”

“I know.” She nodded, her eyes lowered, lips thinned. “I didn’t like it either, to be honest.”

There was a stretch of silence that hung on between them-- with Toushi wondering about her situation, if he could help in anyway at all even and with the old wo-- Suzuran looking like she was lost in some other world.

“Thank you for trying to help me though.” Suzuran finally said, breaking the silence.

“Yeah, I--I didn’t know he was your son at first.”

She stared into the distance-- not at him, he knew she wasn’t looking at him-- with a grave look. “Yes,” she admitted, moving her gaze to her hands that were pressed together on top of her legs like those tea ceremony ladies. “He is.”

There was so much sorrow in that admittance.

“I’m sorry,” What else could he say? There was nothing he could do about how the cruel Fate handed down destinies. How could anyone know that the sweet child at two years old with the happiest grin could change into that? How could they deal with it? He didn’t know.

She gave a small smile that faded so quickly that it might as well not have been there. He could see the tears welling up in her eyes and felt his own throat go tight in worry.

Then, she inhaled sharply, shoving her head up into the air as she sucked those tears back inside by will alone-- as if she was dowsing herself in cold water to wake her back again.

“Well, there’s no reason to cry over spilt milk.” She swiped the back of her hand across her eyes, first left then right. A wavering smile gathered up into her lips by some inner will. “Kids grow up, they become something else. It’s part of life.” Her eyes glowed and the smile became a permanent fixture on her face. “Moving on. Letting go. It’s part of the human story, even if it’s bitter.”

He nodded, helping her along with putting on that mask.

“I divorced Haruhito’s father three years ago,” Suzuran began, unexpectedly. “Haruhito loved his father-- well, his father’s money, I suppose-- and when a year ago, I got engaged to Maizou, my closest friend since a long time ago-- well, he had problems with it.”

“So that was what that was?”

“He’s not always like this,”

He nodded again. “Okay,”

“Tokugawa, my ex-husband, he was…” She took a pause, looking hazy with recollection. “...smokes and mirrors. An appearance when I first met him. He gave me all these promises. I thought I was in love with him. But he was just a rich--”

“--asshole?” Toushi guessed.

She gave a cackling laugh, breaking the tense atmosphere around them like magic. “Yes, yes. Like a rich asshole.” She cackled some more.

Toushi quirked his lips up, pleased with himself. “And Maizou?”

“Maizou was supportive, lovely, always there for me when I was sad. He never let me feel bad. Never let me feel unwanted or ugly.” At Toushi’s raised brows, she explained: “He was Tokugawa’s driver.”

“Wow,” Toushi whistled, just imagining that dramatic situation.

She beamed. “I was in denial about how I felt for Maizou for so long, I can’t even remember. My fidelity to Tokugawa seemed more important at that time, but I realize I was wrong-- I shouldn’t have waited this long-- look at how Haruhito sees me now. He doesn’t trust me anymore.”

And they were back to the son.

“You did what you thought was right at the time. It’s not like you ever know how things will turn out.” 

_ And your son was just made to be a bad person,  _ He thought.  _ Don’t feel bad about it ‘cause that was inevitable. _

“You’re right, but I wish-- I wish I had someone-- something--” she seemed frustrated with her inability to explain and then, gave a deep sigh. “I loved him so long; Maizou, I wanted him so much. He would hug me, comfort me when Tokugawa said or did something and I would cry on his shoulders and feel all my troubles fade slowly but surely. And in that black sedan, sitting in those leather seats, separated by a stick-shift-- it would feel like I was home. And one time-- one time, I looked up and saw him looking at me and we-- we knew. We wanted each other. And we came so close, but I separated myself from him, remembering my vows to Tokugawa. I restrained myself. Thought that I was doing the right thing but--”

She twisted the silver band around her finger, looking at it a little mournfully.

“It wasn’t the right thing,” Toushi guessed again.

She nodded. “Tokugawa was cheating on me. I only found out years after his first affair, but even before knowing he betrayed our marriage vows, I was always falling more and more out of his spell. Sooner than I liked, I disliked being with him, listening to him. He was a hateful man. But Maizou--” Her face softened. “Maizou kept on waiting for me. No other woman. I told him once to get married to a nice girl. He told me there was no-one for him, except me. I should have run away with him then.

“Point is, I wished somebody would have told me then that love is not a waiting game. When you feel this--” she touched her heart, palms spread over her chest. “--this light, easy feeling when you’re with them. When you know they see you for you. When your heart skips a beat every time you see them. You have to tell them right away-- you have to or who knows what will happen tomorrow.”

“But you’re together with him now, right?”

“Yes, but for how long? Call me greedy or selfish if you like but I want more than a countable few years with Maizou. I want a lifetime. I now wish he were my first. My first husband. My first embrace. My first-- everything. Life is too short. It goes by way too fast and all my firsts were stolen away by a rich asshole who couldn’t care less about me-- and I spent years--”

Toushi felt pierced by a growing sadness that stirred underneath his skin, conquering over all other feelings and making its mark somewhere deep in his heart.

It hurt.

“I tell you, dear, the cliches are true. If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you think it tears your whole life apart, you tell them. If you don’t, you will always regret it.”

It hurt.

He blinked back tears. “Yeah,”

Was he really going to--?

“Excuse me,” Toushi stood up with some difficulty, still pressing at his stomach. “I have something to do.”

She looked up at him, surprised and confused. But as she stared at him, a realization dawned on her face. 

“Yes. You have something to do.” She smiled. “Good luck.”


	10. Denudation Ft. All Is Laid Bare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> read this while listening to "War of Hearts" by Ruelle. Because I did, which is why this is so fucking dramatic.

It was a rainy night. A night Gintoki shuddered to think of going outside on. It was just gonna be him, Mr. Blanket and the TV tonight.

Until the doorbell for his apartment rang.

 _Must be Kagura._ He thought glumly, pushing back his ire as he forced himself up. _Eh, she isn’t bad company. Just eats all the food._

He walked to the entrance door, opening it only to have him be so goddamn wrong, the Devil was probably laughing his ass off in Hell.

Standing there, blinking back the dripping water still trickling down his face, looking like an absolute wet mess was Hijikata Toushirou.

_No way._

Before Gintoki could even think to ask: “What are you doing here?”

Or notice the crusted-over nose-bleed that was barely noticeable in the dark.

Before he could even so much as say a “Hi, how are you?” Hijikata grabbed him by the hair and pulled him in closer and closer until their lips were crushed together. No space. No game. No tease. Just right to the heart of it.

Perfect angle. Soft lips. He moaned.

It was mind-numbing, confusing, _electrifying_.

Gintoki melted into the kiss like he was ice and Hijikata was fire. There was something so magical about Hijikata’s kisses that they ultimately worked to disarm him. The two of them practically dissolved into each other, arms and hands grasping-- clawing down folds of fabric. For a long while, with their heads tilting this way and that-- they seeked out new ways to explore each other’s lips and tongue. The want overrode all sense of logic or doubt from Gintoki’s brain, making him just a receptacle to the kingdom of sensations and desire.

Then the door next to Gintoki’s apartment slammed open and out came unsuspecting Kagura, sucking on a marinated squid with some of the sauce smeared all around her mouth.

Her unfocused gaze cleared as she registered the two of them as they wrenched apart, watching as her eyes went wide with alarm, her mouth gaping open.

The squid dropped out, squelching onto the floor.

The two lovers pulled back from each other, looking at the young girl with trepidation.

There was a moment where they all held their breath.

Then Kagura looked down, saw her spoiled squid on the floor, picked it up and whined:

“Aw, man. You made me waste my squid.” She glared at them both. “I hope you’re both happy with yourselves.” She glared sullenly down at her half-eaten squid and muttered: “I marinated it myself and all too.”

Then she went back to her apartment and slammed the door behind her with a loud thud.

Gintoki blinked at where she had stood a moment ago, a little disturbed by the uncaring reaction.

“Okay, she didn’t look bothered at all.” He mused, a little concerned that the densest student in his class was unsurprised.

“Or shocked.” Hijikata remarked, his tone dry.

Gintoki turned to him, one brow raised. “Do you think she kno--” Before he could finish his question, Hijikata punched Gintoki on his shoulder. “Ow!”

“You didn’t tell me Kagura was your neighbor!”

Gintoki rubbed his shoulders, scrunching his face. “Well, I didn’t know you were coming here.”

“Ugh, you irresponsible man!” groaned Hijikata, sounding frustrated.

“Hey, how would I know you were showing up while it’s pouring cats and dogs out there? I mean, what kind of urgent--”

He stopped, blinking back the blurred vision to see--

Was that--

Gintoki stopped talking, his eyes narrowing as he looked at the misshapen shape of Hijikata’s nose. It was dark out there so he couldn’t exactly see, but that looked like--

He grabbed Hijikata’s hand. “Come with me.” And tugged him-- “What?” --through the open doorway of his apartment. Locking the door behind him just in case, he turned and looked at Hijikata’s face in the clear light.

A purple splotch stained the skin of Hijikata’s nose, there was some blood crusted over below his nostrils and some swelling over his nose.

Anger came sudden and fast. It burst out of his chest like a growling panther, pacing its way up and down. His breathing came out in measured blows and his muscles tightened as he gritted his teeth.

“Who did this to you?”

Hijikata stared at him, looking perplexed.

“Your nose-- you have a bruise.” He couldn’t believe he had to explain that to Hijikata.

The brat didn’t blink nor did he move. Then, his hand came up to touch his nose as he averted his gaze. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”

Gintoki smiled, “Right. Of course.” He brought his hand up and brushed his fingers across Hijikata’s cheek, who flinched a little. The panther was getting so antsy inside his chest, it felt unbearable. His heart raced faster, rushing up his throat and encompassing his mouth with a bitter taste.

He couldn’t hold back the frown from catching hold of him. “The bruise just appeared out of nowhere, right?. You bumped into a pole when you weren’t looking. Fell onto a fist or something.” He released Hijikata’s cheek, gazing out the window as he gestured, “I mean, look at the rain, it’s so slippery outside, it could’ve been anything.”

He swallowed the sour bile back in, his teeth hurting from how hard he clenched them.

“Gin--”

“Tell me,” He turned back to Hijikata, leaning close to his face so they were eye to eye. “Who the fuck did this to you?”

“Nobody!” insisted Hijikata.

“Stop lying.” he growled out.

“It’s nothing, okay! I’m fine.” He grabbed Gintoki’s hand and gave a firm squeeze. “I’m fine.”

Blue eyes stared back at him long and hard, trying to infuse Gintoki with reassurance but the panther wasn’t going away any time soon.

It had awakened.

“Hijikata, tell me the name of that jerk or so help me--”

“Why’re you acting like this? This is nothing!” He would have sounded a lot more convincing if it wasn’t for the wince he couldn’t cover up when he strained up as he yelled.

He let go of Gintoki’s hand, stepping two steps back and with his face furrowed into itself like he was struggling to keep a normal expression on his face. He clenched his fingers.

Gintoki glowered. If his insides were a lava mountain, that shit had just fucking erupted.

“Show me,” He demanded.

Hijikata’s eyes swiveled like a mouse caught in a trap. “What?”

“Take off your shirt and show me what they did to you or I will take it off myself.”

Hijikata gave a small smile. “Not much of a threat.”

“Oh, for God’s sake--” He walked back into Hijikata’s space, startling him, and practically ripped the shirt off of him in his urgency. Once it was off, he inhaled a sharp breath, staring at the bruise just starting to form around his waist.

“That asshole’s not getting away with this.” He muttered darkly.

“There was no asshole,”

“Stop lying to me!” Gintoki screamed, his body vibrating with every breath that puffed out of his chest.

Hijikata paused, studying Gintoki’s features closely: the straining lines on his forehead, the twist of his mouth, the rigidity of his jaw. His shoulders relaxed, his eyes softening as they met Gintoki’s burning one.

“What are we?” He asked and time stilled for a minute. Standing there with Hijikata peering up at him like he was an enigma to be figured out, his mouth parted.

“What?”

“What _are we_?” repeated Hijikata with emphasis.

Gintoki almost went to shake his head but halted. He eyed Hijikata for a moment of indecision and then answered the only way he could:

“I don’t know,”

“Not good enough.”

Gintoki looked up and gave out an exasperated sigh, swinging his hand as he stepped back. For the last few days, all he had been thinking about was what they were actually, but he could never quite come to a decision.

“You can’t rush this stuff, Hijikata. It takes ti--”

“--Toushirou--”

“Huh?”

“Call me Toushirou,” Hijikata asserted and shrugged. “Or Toushi, whichever works.”

Gintoki stared at him and gave a small laugh. “No,”

Hijikata frowned. “Why not?”

“Because you’re my student. I can’t go calling you by your first name _or_ your nickname.”

“We’re in private!” erupted Hijikata, hands clawing at thin air in frustration. “Not in school, not hiding away inside some empty classroom while other kids roamed around outside. We’re alone!” He regarded Gintoki with a straight gaze, his voice going mellow. “You just made out with me. You went into a murderous rage when you saw my bruises like I was something important to you so yes, I insist that you call me by my first name. I’ve earned that, at least.”

Gintoki understood that. He really really did. He knew exactly where Hijikata was coming from.

“I--I can’t.” He said, because he recognized that this was the line he couldn’t cross. Because if he did--

He couldn’t come to a conclusion to what catastrophe would result if he crossed the line, because as he watched Hijikata’s face change, he knew Hijikata had already given up on this argument.

Every muscle straining on his face released itself. His mouth turned down and his gaze as he leveled it at Gintoki was blank.

Something about his expression alarmed Gintoki. So he tried to explain: “We’ve known each other two, three months.” He tried to put his unnameable concern into words, but as he went on, he could feel the falseness of it. Like he was just making excuses and that there was something deeper behind all this denial. Something he didn't want to look into. “And all we’ve done in that time is either make out or have an argument. I mean, that's not enough. It takes time to make a relationship and you're my student. It's weird and complicated as it is...”

He trailed off.

Hijikata wasn't even looking at him. It was somewhat of a relief because if Hijikata looked at him right now, he would only be able to see the lie in his imploring eyes. See the panic that coursed through him. Because Hijikata was right. This wasn't ‘nothing’. This wasn't just angry make out sessions. No matter how he wished it was that simple.

There was more to it. Like the way he was jealous of whomever had first kissed and touched Hijikata. Like the way he felt rage burning through his veins when he looked at the bruises marring Hijikata’s body. The protectiveness he felt. The happiness that rose up in him when he saw Hijikata smile or snark at him. The urge to gather Hijikata in his arms-- hold him like he was something dear-- was becoming an increasingly routine impulse and _that_ made him want to flee.

When Hijikata stayed silent, Gintoki sighed.

“Come on, let me fix up that mess on your no--” he went to touch Hijikata’s shoulder, which the boy brushed away, his face still sullen and his eyes elsewhere. Somewhere in his stomach, a stone dropped.

“Hijikata,” a note of plea stuck underneath.

The boy looked up at him, his eyes watery and tapered to the point that only a slit of blue pierced through.

“It's nothing big,” he said, his eyes blinking away, face once again turning away. “Just need to rub some antiseptic on it. I can do that myself.”

“Yeah, but--” Gintoki looked down at him, noticing the wet clothes that clung to his body. “--you're gonna catch a cold if you keep wearing that thing. Let me just give you some dry clothes and an umbrella so you don't--”

Hijikata was already shaking his head. “I can't. I have to go.”

Gintoki grabbed his arm and stopped him.

“Please,”

 _Let me take care of you._ He left unsaid.

They stared at each other, dewy blues against pleading browns.

Hijikata’s lips parted slowly, eyes lighting up with their open vulnerability.

“No,” He said, surprising Gintoki. His head turned away like that electric tension between the two of them wasn’t even there. The magic of the moment. The surge. The ebb and flow. “I don’t think I can stick around long enough for the rejection to sink in--”

“Rejection?” Gintoki echoed softly, incredulous. “I’m not rejecting you.”

Hijikata gave him a look. “Aren’t you?”

Gintoki thought back to their conversation and realized that in some way, he had. “I just-- I need some time.” To get his head in the right place. To make some sense out of his boggled mind.

Hijikata appraised him, nodding absentmindedly. “That’s the thing. I don’t need any time to know what we are, to decide what to call us, to decide what to call _you_.” His throat bobbed as he swallowed, his eyelashes fluttering back the strange emotions welling up in his eyes. “But that’s not the case for you.”

Gintoki couldn’t speak. He tried. Opened his mouth to say something. Say that _that_ is the case. That he was right there with Hijikata. They were on the same place.

But Hijikata was already turning away, walking to the locked entrance, unlocking the door, opening it. So many seconds that Gintoki could use to stop him-- walk up there-- tell him to, but he stood there, watching as Hijikata exited out of his apartment while his heart embedded itself to his throat like a heavy lump.

He exhaled out a harsh breath, trying to breathe through the pain.

 _Go after him, you idiot._ His heart said.

His head though-- His head brought back images from the past.

Of a girl-- fifteen year old with orange tresses falling over her shoulder-- sitting on the pews of the church. Sunlight filtered through the decorated windows, falling on the silent and empty church, on the girl who reminded him of the sun.

“ _They make it so hard to believe in God.”_ He said out loud. She startled out of her praying position, glancing at him in surprise. _“People, I mean. So many restricting rules. So many ways to go wrong. What is it really about God that makes him… lovable? He sounds like a hardass to me.”_

She smiled, looking at him fondly. _“The same thing that makes you lovable.”_

Gintoki snorted, shaking his head. _“You really shouldn’t like me. I’m a man built on sin. I have many demons.”_ His lips twisted. _“So many demons that if you were to know, you would run far far away.”_

 _“Well, it’s a good thing I don’t know about them, then.”_ She said sarcastically and laughed at the look on his face. _“You’re so easy to tease. Listen, whatever it is that you think is gonna make me run away from you-- just have faith in me. Faith that I’ll always love you.”_

She leaned in and kissed him.

“Faith is a hard notion to practice.” Gintoki said out loud as he came out of the memory. 

He couldn't breathe.


	11. Evasion Ft. Ten Times Worse Than A Hangover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently, I caused you a lot of pain with the last chapter. Here's some salve for the burn.  
> ...  
> Or is it?

“Hijikata--” Gintoki began in a gruff manner, eyes sliding from the floor to the boy and sliding back again to the floor. “I need to ta--”

Hijikata stood, his desk screeching shrilly against the concrete floor, making Gintoki stop mid-word. The kid angled his head to the side, positioning his body away from Gintoki so that the teacher could only look at Hijikata’s back.

“Kondou,” Hijikata called to his friend, who was slouching in the seat beside him, pouting about his unrequited love woes.

Kondo's gaze flicked up, eyes still glazed with the mist of some other thought. But once he caught the look on Hijikata’s face, his eyes widened, and his mouth parted slightly. As he looked between the two of them, the mist evaporated completely.

He straightened up, staring straight at Gintoki with an obvious prying look, that poked Gintoki to answer the question practically blaring off his confused mind: 

‘Dude, what’d you do?!”

“Yeah, Toushi?” He asked aloud, expression seemingly transforming to a more serious one but really, he just looked constipated.

“Bring my stuff with you,” ordered the boy, startling his friend and Gintoki both, who Hijikata couldn't even look at properly as he took a few steps toward the back entrance of the class as if the urge to flee was locked into his muscles. The whole class stared, wondering. 

Hijikata halted quarter of the way. “Please.” He murmured in a pleading voice, his head lowered, his eyes directed towards his friend.

Kondo studied the look on Hijikata’s face; assessed from top to bottom the features that had its own voiceless message and then before he could come to a conclusion, Hijikata walked off in a hurry.

Lost and slightly uncomfortable, Kondou glanced at his teacher with a questioning gaze.

“I--”  _ Oh, how was he supposed to deal with this?  _

Awkwardly, it seems. Gintoki came to the conclusion when his mouth ran off a stupid demand: “I'll bring his stuff back to him. Just tell me where he’ll--”

He went to grab the backpack on Hijikata’s desk when Kondou intercepted, swiping it before him. He straightened up and leveled a fixed look on Gintoki. 

“Uh, no, that’s okay. I’ve got it.” He made a face, slightly apologetic slightly conflicted and shrugged. “Sorry.”

  
  


“Hiji--”

The kid in question turned immediately to the left, chatting up an unsuspecting Shinpachi in a loud, emphatic voice.

Shinpachi’s eyes swiveled back-and-forth between Gintoki and Hijikata almost exactly like a tennis ball going from one racket to the next. After a minute, he calmed down, looked at Hijikata still aimlessly chattering on then at Gintoki’s forlorn face. He gave his teacher a look of sympathy, gave a casual shrug and turned his attention back to what Hijikata was saying.

  
  
  


“Hey, Hijikata!” He called out in the middle of the hall. It was lunch break and he just happened to see the kid walking along with his friends.

The boy stopped for a moment, seemed to process his presence and left behind his friends so fast in his hurry that it almost looked like he was running.

Gintoki paused next to Tsukuyo and Kondou, his hands on his hip and a grave frown winding his lips. He could see from his peripheral vision that Tsukuyo was smirking a little and Kondou was giving him a dubious stare. He looked to the latter in question.

“Dude,” Kondou said, looking a little curious and a lot concerned. “What the fuck did you do?”

Tsukuyo burst out laughing, startling the two. Bent over, her hands on her knees, she quickly recovered her composure and covered her mouth. Her knowing, hawkish eyes skimmed their bemused faces and seeing the absolute dumbfoundedness there, she couldn’t hold back another cackle.

Kondou gave both of them a look and rolled his eyes. “I’m gonna go and check up on Toushi.”

“Right,” Gintoki grimaced and watched as Kondou walked away.

Tsukuyo straightened up, wiping a few tears out of her eyes. “Oh, I gotta tell you, ever since Toushi came here, it’s been one thing after another.”

Gintoki side-eyed her, giving out a sigh. “Did Kagura tell you?”

Her smile was mystifying as she looked at him. “Oh, you mean, that night on Saturday when Toushirou showed up at your doorstep in the middle of a great big downpour?”

“How much did she hear?” asked Gintoki apprehensively.

She waved her hand. “Don’t worry. Just bits and pieces, you know, like--” She made a face and shouted mock-like: “‘Who is the asshole?!’ and ‘Nobody!’ and then--” She changed her face again to a somber face: “‘What are we?’ and--” She raised up her index finger, made a mournful expression and said: “‘I don’t know.”

She gave him a look.

Gintoki sighed again. “Right, of course.”

“Seriously, I am judging you so hard.”

“I needed time to think.” He explained, pouting. “And he jumped to conclusions.”

“Which had nothing to do with how you answered his questions. Laughing when he asked you to call him by his first name. I mean, come on, what was that?”

“I…” Gintoki didn't have an answer to that. He looked at Tsukuyo and wondered. He wanted to talk to someone about this but the people he could confide with-- like Otose, Otae, Zenzou, and Hasegawa-- were not going to like the ‘having an affair with a student’ thing. Or maybe they would understand but it was hard even to try to explain.

But here, in Tsukuyo, he saw someone who was in the know of things and who was smart and clever in her own right. 

She should be able to figure the jumble of a mess in his head, no problem.

“Actually,” he began. “That's something I need to talk to you about.”

“Oh?” She looked curious.

“Let's go somewhere and talk,”

She gave a thoughtful frown and nodded. “Sure,”

  
  
  


As they sat on the rooftop of the school building, their backs facing the fence that covered the outer edges, Gintoki tried to begin but faltered every time. 

Tsukuyo side-eyed him and waited as he struggled. She was a good person that way.

“Uhm, I--Well, I--” he stammered out.

“Do you love Toushi, Gin?” asked Tsukuyo abruptly, interjecting his painful effort with a painfully big question.

Gintoki’s jaw hit the floor as he stared, tongue-tied, at Tsukuyo. Panic raced through his nerves.

She raised an expectant brow at him.

“I…”

“Okay, that's too hard a question, I guess.” Tsukuyo nodded away like she understood and dug into her uniform blouse from the front. Trespassing the valley between her two soft and big breasts, she picked out a cigarette packet. She offered one to Gintoki while she lighted one up for herself.

“Let me ask you a remedial question then,” she murmured as she inhaled around the stick. “What attracts you to Hijikata?”

Gintoki rolled the cigarette stick in his hand, feeling a part of him calm down somehow. 

“He's temperamental,” Gintoki listed. “--acts tough yet everything about him is soft edges, which is fascinating all on its own and he's… good-looking, I guess.”

Tsukuyo gave him a look like he was being obtuse. “Gintoki, am I good-looking too?”

“Huh?”

“You were staring at my breasts earlier--”

“--that's because you were taking that packet out of--”

“--so it's safe to say that you find me attractive.” She finished.

He gave a reluctant nod. He didn't know where this was going.

“I don't lack in my uniqueness and neither do any of my other classmates. But you never made a move on them or me,” she turned to stare Gintoki down with her sharp, clinically interested eyes. “Why Toushi?”

Why Toushi? That was a good question.

“He made the move on me first, by the way.” He informed her offhandedly.

She arched a brow. “Nice,” she commented, smiling a little. “But what made you kiss him back?”

Gintoki shrugged. “Well, let's see, the first time was because I was angry and frustrated at him. Second time, I just wanted to do it ‘cause it felt so good. Or was that the third time?” He looked at his fingers and shook his head. “It was pretty instinctual, our kissing.”

“You're an animal,” she remarked.

“Yep, I am.” He gave a pleased smile.

She studied his expression and came to a realization. “Oh, you haven't given this much thought, have you? You compartmentalized it down to instinctual attraction and the feelings that came with it, you really didn't try to think about.”

Gintoki gulped. “I did try,”

Her gaze was icy at his feeble attempt. “And Toushi,” she began in an overloud voice that sounded a tad bit angry. He winced. “Being a typical teenager, who probably never experienced love or heartache before, wouldn't think twice about burying his feelings. He would just bask in the happiness and pain ‘cause that's what you're supposed to do.”

Gintoki opened his mouth and shut it.

Her eyes critically assessed his features and she softened, the cigarette in her hands unattended burned at the tips, ashes falling.

“So the thing you need to answer is who broke your heart first?” She said, taking the stick back into her mouth, breathing it in before she exhaled it out of her nose with relish. “Who made Gintoki sensei turn into such a coward when it comes to love?”

Gintoki licked his lips nervously, looked to the cigarette in his hand and sighed. 

_ Yeah, I’m probably gonna need one or two for this shit. _

He asked for a lighter, flamed that dastardly stick up and inhaled.

_ Oh, it had been way too long. _ He thought as streams of smoke spilled out his nose and mouth.

“I was probably in first year of high school when Yuki and I broke up,” he said after taking two whiffs. “We got together in middle school. Were together for two years at least.”

“Wow, two years?” Tsukuyo repeated in awe.

_ Yeah, that was a long time. _

“We loved each other so much that-- that we ignored the parts we didn't like about each other.” Gintoki continued. “Like for instance, I'm not religious and she was a devout Christian. Followed all the rules. Went to church daily. While I- I’m an atheist.”

“So you guys didn't have sex?” Tsukuyo smirked, “How'd you get together then, I-kiss-with-my-guts sensei?”

“We were really young then, so sex wasn't in our minds until we went to high school. My right hand was more than enough stimulation anyway.” He explained. “The problem wasn't sex though. I would've waited.”

“Until what, marriage?”

“Probably,”

“Wow, you must have really loved this girl.”

Gintoki swallowed back the sour bile coming up his throat. “She was the light at the end of a dark tunnel in my mind. I mean, my life was bleak when I was in that foster home orphanage. When Shoyo-sensei took me in, a lot of the time, I felt like my past life would come back to haunt me somehow. It made me jittery and distant to the classmates around me.

“Then she found me smoking away with the rest of the tardy students up in the Middle School rooftop. She made this whole big case about smoking being bad for me.” Gintoki smiled here and sensing Tsukuyo’s scrutiny, he tried to minimize the recollection. “Anyway, she was on my case all the time, kept wanting me to attend classes regularly and stop hanging with the bad kids at school. Turned out, Shoyo-sensei put her up to it but by then, I was already sorta smitten with her.”

Tsukuyo groaned. “Oh my god, you have a thing for people who try to change you?”

“I didn't say that,” Gintoki denied immediately though his mind ticked away with the idea.

“Come on,” Tsukuyo griped, not looking convinced. “Toushi’s been wrangling you non-stop into being a proper teacher.”

“No, that's what he says he has problems with--” Gintoki admitted, a smile springing out of him when he thought of the boy with his angry eyes and his whiny voice. “--but I'm pretty sure he likes that side of me.”

“He does?” Tsukuyo looked dubious.

“It's true. Hijikata doesn't want to change me.” Gintoki’s smile faded, his eyes regressing back to their grey coldness. “But Yuki did. And that made me want to believe I wanted that too.”

“Ah,” Tsukuyo nodded, because she knew what that was like. It was a simple phenomenon that must happen to everybody. Somebody says you shouldn’t open your front buttons up like that unless you’re looking to be dismissed as a prostitute enough times and you start believing them. Become so entrapped with their voices in your head, they become a part of you. “So how'd you guys break up?”

“I got into a fight with a few guys from school,” Gintoki confessed. “And I liked it.” Recalled the adrenaline rush, the roaring badump of his heart in his ear, his fists trembling with the high, knuckles scraped up and blood dripping down on the floor. “She didn't.” Then, he looked up and through his blurred out, red-eyed vision, he saw Yuki staring back at him, eyes widened, mouth gaping open. She looked horrified.

_ ‘I thought you were going to accept me, demons and all?’ _

_ ‘I-- I just-- It’s so violent. I never-- I never saw you like that.’ _

“We got into many arguments after that until…”

“Until you broke up.” finished Tsukuyo.

Gintoki pressed the stick between his lips and smoked for a while so he didn't have to talk. They actually broke up because Yuki cheated on him. Their classes had changed and Yuki met a guy she couldn't forget. As Gintoki and her fell more out of each other’s snare, disillusioned and disappointed by their ideals not matching up to the reality, she started to have feelings for the soft spoken, gentle prince-like classmate.

And the rest was history.

“So,” Tsukuyo said, glancing at him. “Bad experience with love is your problem?”

No, teenagers were his problem. They fell too fast, too hard. They didn’t think. Didn’t stop to calculate the risks. Just gouged at your chest like giving up your heart was the only solution. What if Hijikata was looking at him upside-down with rose-colored glasses? What if he didn’t see through Gintoki’s abrasive nature into his pathetic, loser-like self?

_ What if... _

Gintoki stared up at the open sky, breathed slow and steady until his shoulder muscles loosened their tight hold on themselves. 

_ Never mind all that. _

“Yeah, I guess,” Gintoki lied.

“You should probably talk to Toushi about this,” Tsukuyo suggested. Her brows furrowed as she said: “Pretty sure that’s the kind-of advice I’m supposed to give you.”

Gintoki gave a humorless chuckle. “Pretty sure I missed the mark on the talk thing. He’s avoiding me, remember?”

“You can corner him somehow,”

Gintoki pressed the butt of the burnt out cigarette stick onto the concrete floor. “And what, pray tell, are we supposed to talk about?”

Tsukuyo flung her hands up in the air with her eyes rolling so hard he could practically see the depth of her exasperation. 

He quirked his brows. She gazed at him, her golden eyes shining like Indian jewelry. “I don’t know what you’re supposed to say to him.” She said, frustrated. “Maybe, call him by his first name for once. Maybe, take him out somewhere, go on a romantic date. Maybe, start taking him seriously.”

“I always take him seriously,” Gintoki was quick to retort. “And I can’t date him, I’m his teacher.”

She leveled him with a warning look and amended: “Okay, fine, don’t date him. But take his feelings seriously.” Her tone was increasingly biting as she went on: “Either reject him completely and keep your distance or…” Here, she sighed. “If you want him, if you like him, if you-- if you have feelings for him, consider the idea of opening up your heart.”

He held back the urge to petulantly point out the total cheesiness of her advice, but he liked his balls where they were. 

“You mean, like sex?” He guessed.

“Sex isn’t opening up your heart,” Tsukuyo said, giving him a ‘What’s wrong with you?’ look.

“Well, he wants sex and you said compromise with him so--”

“Just,” Tsukuyo interjected, looking weary now. “Talk to him. Make some big gesture. Catch him off-guard. Take his breath away. Just do something that’s not trying to corner him here at school.”

Gintoki frowned. “Why not at school?”

“Because people talk when they see something unusual like this going on,” She explained, appearing as if she wanted to be doing anything but explaining this to him. “Just go to his apartment and ambush him for Christ’s sake. He made the trip to your apartment in the rain, the least you can do is return the favor.”

Gintoki didn’t say anything back. 


	12. Heartburn Ft. Earth Changes Shape in One Day

He didn't go to Hijikata’s apartment so much as drifted there. 

Tsukuyo had handed him a ripped up paper with Hijikata’s address scribbled on it and left him to make a decision for himself. And he thought he had made a decision: to keep as much distance from Hijikata as was possible.

The fact that Gintoki was standing in front of Hijikata’s apartment door meant nothing.

Just meant he was a good drifter.

Oh and now, he was pressing the bell. Nice job, hand. 

The door opened and Hijikata’s dipped head rose to stare up at him in shock.

Time froze. The two of them stood there, gaping at each other.

Then, a spark of rage rearranged Hijikata’s face and he grabbed the door, lurching it his way to try and close it. Except Gintoki put his feet in-between the door and wall before he could close it.

“Hijikata, just please--” He pleaded, sandwiched between the door’s edge and the doorway wall. “Just give me a chance.”

“A chance to what?” Hijikata jutted his chin up, glaring at him with his eyes like black pincers. It was kinda good to hear him speaking to Gintoki once again, even if it was with a glare. “To humiliate me once again?” He gave a humorless tilt of his lips that combined with the empty eyes made for a harsh cut. “No thanks.” He tried harder to close the door but it was futile. Gintoki was half of the way in already.

“No, that’s not what I--” Gintoki remembered what Tsukuyo told him. About big gestures and thinking about Toushi’s feelings.  “Toushi,”

Hijikata-- no, Toushi stopped trying to push the door on him and peered up at him with those vulnerable blues that were so wonderful in the way they shone with naked truths.

On Toushi’s face, expectations and hopes reminiscent of gardenias in a garden warred against the vanquishing detachment of a dead doll thrown into a sewer. There was something inherently wrong with Toushi donning the latter look. 

“I-- I like you,” He finally found himself saying, his voice stumbling with desperation. “I really, really like you.” Their eyes held like an imaginary wire was intertwined in the space between them. Like an electric current was constantly running through one gaze to another-- constantly changing colors of the current, the face of feelings. “And I want this.” He gestured between the two of them, to the current, to his heart. “I want whatever this is between us.” His fists relaxed until they rested on his chest as his eyes implored. “So just give me a chance.”

Toushi blinked out of the moment, leaving the current seeking another color to adjust to. Back there, it was vermillion. Now, it was dimming more to metal grey.

“I can't,” Toushi shook his head, eyes lowered, coal eyelashes flapping like the wings of a bird. “I don't know if I want you, now.”

Gintoki angled his head aside, smiling a little as he sought Toushi’s navy blue gaze back again. He didn't want to believe that Toushi was over him. He couldn't be.

It refused to settle inside him as truth.

“Are you sure?” His voice went silver thin, soft and low and sensual. He knew what he was doing, but he just couldn’t stop. 

It was much like fishing, trying to bait Toushi so he could get caught back into Gintoki’s entrapping charm. If there was ever an iota of charm in his system.

Toushi’s Adam’s apple bobbed and his head shifted into Gintoki’s direction like he was magnetized. His crystal blue eyes hooked into Gintoki’s tawny ones with reluctance but once they did, there was only fire-- blazing red painted over with a shade of orange-- in that current.

Who knew who moved first? 

All Gintoki could think about was that he wanted to be closer. The fiery depths of the currents blurred his thinking, made him incoherent. Red was all he saw.

Their lips clashed like two ill-fitted puzzles, teeth and mouth bumping into each other painfully. They didn't recoil though. Only pulled away long enough to chase the sweet pleasure back again in each other’s embrace. Gradually, nerves took the sideline and instincts were back on the wheel. Angles righted, lips nipped, coral tongues reached out, and the puzzles fit again.

Seamless was it all then, their hungry mouths shifting automatically into the chase, into relishing the sensations they had all but forgotten. Awareness of limbs was non-existent for a minute or so.

And then, Toushi gripped the collar of Gintoki’s shirt and pulled him in, in and in until they were all the way inside his apartment. Gintoki didn't look back to shut the door behind him, the occupation of lips against his more important than anything worldly.

_ Never losing this again,  _ He thought and held on tighter to Toushi’s waist, squeezing him closer as his mouth rushed to catch every taste that ever dripped out. He careened headward into the feelings that he always seemed to skitter away from. It was consuming, the feverish yearning that snarled out of his chest like a burn. 

He couldn’t wrestle it back in, the feelings only overwhelmed the more he tried to rein it back in. His smooth, swaggering hands that were practiced at pleasuring many former partners grappled at Toushi’s body and slipped as if there was some slime enshrouding the onyx-haired boy’s attire.

“I need to--” He tried to say as he shoved his head off of Toushi’s, who sought his lips back again. Gintoki moaned into his mouth and pushed him, grabbing him around his waist as he led them back until they were falling into the couch located somewhere in the living room.

He lurched off of the boy and looked down with his hands and knees on either side of Toushi.

The vision before him was unsettling in its similarity to one of his wilder fantasies. Toushi’s jet black locks cascaded around his head, his face glowed golden-brown like spiced rum, his eyes shimmered like a fresh ocean, and his rosy pink lips gleamed with residual saliva. And worst of all: Hijikata’s jaw was slack as his chest heaved up and down to get some breath back after that long kiss.

Yeah, Gintoki was screwed for sure. 

“I--” Gintoki tried to say again, but faltered when Toushi licked his lips. Spots appeared in his peripheral, dotting his visions, blurring his numb mind. He crowded the boy with his body, tipping his head to the side as he pursued his way into that mouth. 

Fingers raked a path up his hair, sweeping by his cobalt curls, scratching into his scalp. Digging in with short nails, Toushi tugged him until Gintoki was resting his entire weight over him.

“Don’t stop,” Toushi whispered in his ear.

Gintoki’s heart skipped a beat. “Oh,” He really wanted to swat the reasonable part of his brain when it started blaring with a: “--but--” He saw the warning look on Toushi’s face and remembered exactly how they got into a fight in the first place. Even if Tsukuyo didn’t believe it was about sex, Gintoki was betting it was. “--I mean, how far are we talking here?”

“You’ll figure it out,” Toushi’s hand looped around his neck, shifting his lower half insistently. 

“So dry humping it is,” Gintoki muttered to himself. 

“What?”

“Nothing,” He gave a fake smile. “I think it’s a brilliant idea that you’re just letting me lead this thing.”

Toushi scrunched his brows, confused. “You know I have no experience, right?”

“Except you know--” Gintoki tried to bite back from remarking but: “--with the molester.”

_ God, Gintoki! Can’t you ever just shut up?  _ He cursed at himself internally.

Toushi’s expression, predictably, went sour at the reminder. “We didn’t do much, you know. He did it to tease me. Most of it was just a scare-tactic, trying to keep me on my toes so that every time he came near me, I froze.”

Gintoki’s right eye twitched. He pasted a sarcastic smile on his face. “Oh, sweet, let’s talk about your ex as part of this foreplay.” 

“He's not my ex and--” Toushi gave him the stink-eye. “You brought him up,”

Gintoki rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes, I’m the one at fault. Apparently, I’m always at fault.”

Okay, that definitely didn’t help the mood. If before Toushi was irked, now he was full-on turned-off.

He sat up, shoving Gintoki off of him with a frown on his face. “You have a problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” Gintoki lied, a fake smile coming through.

Toushi looked at him and sighed, coming to a conclusion. “Figures,” He scratched at his front hair, gripping them and releasing them as he mused. “We were probably jumping the gun without even talking this out.”

_ I was counting on us jumping the gun. _ Gintoki didn’t say.

“Talking is lame,” He said.

Toushi’s profile creased with angry lines. “Stop joking. Stop using that flippant tone.” He eyed Gintoki with dawning suspicion, his hand dropping from his head.  “Just tell me, do you really want this? Or were those just lines you fed me?”

Gintoki shook his head without thinking because those may have just been lines, but the current between them, the consuming longing was real. He was starting to get worried that he may lose this again. That Toushi would just dismiss all that as some trick or illusion.

“Lines are nothing!” He blurted out, which earned him a doubtful look. “Lines are a front, a label, a meaningless rhetoric used by people to get with someone.” He insisted. Tried to explain. “What I feel for you--” His throat felt tight at the disbelieving look on Toushi’s face. God, why didn’t he understand? “What I feel for you is more real than those stupid lines. It’s not _ like _ . It’s not  _ wan _ t even. It’s something that’s--” He struggled to get it out for a moment, but at the demand in Toushi’s gaze and the anxiety that ate at him-- at having Toushi almost slip out of his fingers, (at the idea of losing Toushi)-- made him more urgent. More expressive. More stupid. He grabbed Toushi’s hand and pressed it against his chest. It beat heavy and hard, faster and faster with the anxiety that was starting to pulse upward, making him break out into cold sweat. “--here.”

At the widening of Toushi’s eyes, he tried to make his voice as persuasive as he could.

“Right here, in this gap between the two of us.” He couldn’t care that he was practically versifying. “In my body and in yours.”

Toushi looked into Gintoki’s eyes and a ripple of change hit his face. Wonder encompassed him in that moment, all his facial muscles relaxed and his ocean eyes sparkled.

“You get me, right?” Gintoki asked with hope blooming in his chest, anxieties’ tight rope loosening his intestines. 

“Like magic flows between us,” murmured Toushi absent-mindedly.

Gintoki’s lips stretched so hard that it hurt. “Yeah,” He agreed, relieved beyond belief and couldn't help but add as an afterthought: “I wouldn’t put it like that, but yeah.”

Toushi raised his brows. “How would you put it?”

_ You need to stop talking, you know. _

Gintoki looked into thin air and tried to put it precisely. “It hurts like hell when you’re not there. A space around my chest feels hollow.” Like silence. Like loneliness. But worse. “And when I see you, that place-- it lights up.”

Toushi blinked, head lowering, eyelids flickering. “Sounds intense,”

Were those tears he was seeing in the corner of Toushi’s eyes?

“Yeah,” Gintoki leaned into the boy, bumping their foreheads together. “Feels intense too. You ever feel that?”

Toushi chuckled, sniffing. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

Gintoki lifted his head and rested it on top of Toushi’s, eyes staring up at the ceiling. “We okay?”

The boy nodded into his neck. “We’re okay,”

“‘Cause I’m never saying something that embarrassing again.” He proclaimed.

Toushi laughed and separated from him. He gave Gintoki a sardonic smile and tipped his head to the side in assent. “Me neither.”

Gintoki back-stepped and spread out his arms, grinning toothily. “We’re definitely okay now,”

“You’re such a drama queen,” Toushi said, shaking his head with a smile on his lips.

“I’m a drama queen? What about you, Mr. Shows-Up-In-The-Rain?”

Toushi gave him a warning look and turned around. He ambled off into a room on the side and Gintoki followed after him, struck by the curiosity bug. It turned out to be Toushi’s bedroom.

He looked at the bed with thin lips. “I’m sorry, I take back any insults I may have inadvertently implied.” When Toushi spun around to give him an amused smile, he shrugged. “I think you’re awesome and amazing so--”

“Duh,” Toushi said and grasped Gintoki’s face in his hands. “Now, let’s get it on.”

Gintoki’s smile was sharp and toothy like the cheshire cat. “Duh,”

They connected lips, arms around each other. Slow kisses, brushing here and there. They exchanged a look and Toushi arched his neck, giving access for Gintoki to nip and suck deep, bruising kisses down the bend of his throat. Tops slid up, arms stretched, and shirts were thrown over their heads, scattering everywhere on the floor. Hands explored up and down smooth torsos. 

Breaths hitched. Toushi stumbled as Gintoki hemmed the boy’s lower half at the back and lurched his crotch forward into his.

“Wow,” breathed Toushi. “Getting right into it, huh?”

“Oh, you have no idea how much I want to get right into it.” Gintoki griped. “But this is absolutely nothing.”

Toushi raised a brow. “Nothing?” He grinded his hips into Gintoki’s with purpose. “You sure?”

Gintoki groaned, making Toushi look smug. 

“Ah, you complete bastard.”

They tumbled into bed. Jeans and dress pants were unfastened quick and slid out of their limbs. Thrown in some corner. Lips grazed, tongues stroked, mouths explored collar-bones and southward. Nipples were drawn between teeths, squeezed lightly so they caused a good pleasurable ache. Bones that flared out on Toushi’s upper torso like a couple of wings, bones that ran a prison around his heart and lungs; all of it was made familiar to Gintoki’s tongue and his ever-reddening lips. Firm hands guided him back to tasteful lips, zoning him out with the sweetness that filled him at the sure exploration of his inner mouth.

“My turn,” Toushi hissed into his lips and nudged Gintoki, sitting up and putting his teacher on his back. He sat on Gin’s thighs and crawled over him. They kissed for a time, grinding into each other slow and firm. 

Then Gintoki grabbed Toushi’s rear and thrust back, their hips finding a tempo that was rapidly increasing as their hunger grew. As senses were lost, electricity struck their bodies from their nether regions, and they forgot about exploring. Toushi bounced on top of him, his mouth unhinged, eyes rolling back in his head, breathing heavy. Gintoki gripped his arms tighter, digging his nails into the bronze skin as he warded off the urge to take over. His breathing came punctured-- with hasty puffs of breath out and small smothered breaths in.

Finally, he could take no more and grappled Toushi onto his back, pressing forward with his erection. Toushi let out a long moan. Gintoki hovered over him and latched onto his lips, taking as much as he could before their breaths ran out. Their hips pushed together, naked wiry calves brushing against each other, mouths opening on each other’s skin.

Orgasm hit them out of nowhere. First Toushi then Gintoki. Both caught in a flash of pleasure that rushed through them like a whiff of cocaine. Pleasure bound them together in one moment.

It was like magic.  _ Magic pouring off of them _ . It was crazy to think they could go without this. His eyes stung thinking about how he had come so close to losing this. He kissed the top of Toushi’s head.

_ I’ll think of a way out of this.  _ He promised to himself, nuzzling Toushi’s hair, smelling his hair and memorizing it.

He brushed a light peck on Toushi’s lips, smiling a little because somehow, his heart felt light. Was it just the sex or was it something else?

He looked at Toushi’s dishevelled face and felt the ache of fondness in his chest. 

_ Yeah, it’s something else. _

He blinked away the stupid thoughts and fell over on his back next to Toushi. Just tried to breathe back from the high. The haziness of deep dark red, like garnet, vanished and the white ceiling came into view. 

For a minute, they just lay there, panting. Their chests heaved up and down until they didn’t.

Gintoki glanced at Toushi once he was clear-minded again and noticed the change in an instant. Toushi didn't look like he was just coming out of the high; his azure eyes were big, his forehead slightly scrunched, and his panting mouth slightly frowning.

“What's wrong?” Gintoki asked, propping himself up on his elbow, studying the boy carefully. 

Toushi’s look was odd when he turned to Gintoki. “I forgot,” 

“What?” asked Gintoki, quizzical.

“That you had a problem,” Toushi said, his eyes turned inward. Gintoki raised his brows, shifting a little uncomfortably. “You told me you had feelings for me and that's it, I forgot that you had a problem. And it hit me just now. You didn’t tell me.”

Gintoki stared at him, feeling his upper lip quiver. “You don't regret it, do you?”

“No,” Toushi shook his head and went to sit up. Gintoki did the same, keeping his eyes fixed on the boy. “I needed that.” His face softened. “I loved it.”

Gintoki blinked, “So there’s no problem.”

Toushi’s eyes flickered with reluctance.

“You were right,” Toushi finally said with a small smile. “This whole thing wasn't your fault. You had a good reason for not wanting to take this thing seriously like I did.”

“Fault? This wasn't a mistake,” insisted Gintoki, feeling inverted, like he was the one out of his depth here.

Toushi’s eyes were small, “I'm your student. That was your hang-up in the first place.”

“But I'm over it,” he blurted out, his voice wavering.

Toushi gave him a pained look. He looked away, leaving Gin to stare into the empty space, reeling with the feeling that he was getting dumped. “I don’t want-- I don’t want our relationship to cause some kind-of risk with your career. And it’s not even your career, it’s like-- it’s like I’m intruding when you don’t want an intruder. I’m a parasite.”

“Where is this coming from?” Gintoki demanded, starting to get angry. “I don’t think you’re a parasite.”

  
“I know you don’t,” Toushi said, exhaling a shaky breath out. “But a few days ago, you didn’t want us to be an official thing. You didn’t want to have sex with me. You didn’t want to call me by my first name. But you’re doing all those now just because I pressured you into it.”

“You didn’t pressure me,” annunciated Gintoki carefully.

“I might as well have,” Toushi chuckled. “Coming to you that day in the rain, asking you all those nonsensical questions, ignoring you when you tried to talk to me-- I made you do this.”

Gintoki sighed, running a hand through his face in exasperation. “You were hurt,”

“Yeah,” Toushi agreed, smiling humorlessly. “I was. Doesn’t mean you had to do exactly what I wanted you to do.”

That was it. Gintoki couldn’t take anymore. 

“Fuck you!” He exclaimed, startling Toushi. “Maybe, your sulking ways made me come here, I don’t know. All I know is that I would do anything to have you here with me.” He said with relish, baring his teeth. “You turning away from me, ignoring me-- frankly, it hurt. But what would hurt a thousand times more is if we were over right now.”

Toushi stared at him agape. “I’m not breaking up with you,” He said, looking incredulous. “But you might.”

Gintoki shook his head. “You don’t know what I feel or think so just stop speculating.” He looked at Toushi’s worried eyes and found his voice turning less harsh. “You’re a teenager. Act like it.” He let his finger run down Toushi’s furrowed face and quirked his lips. “Be with me and just feel. That’s all you have to do.”

“That’s all I have to do?” Toushi looked skeptical.

“Yep,” said Gintoki and kissed him. “Just feel,”

Toushi’s mouth opened under him, parting to accept his lingering lips.

Toushi, tilted his head back, his eyes going hazy. Lips moved with Gintoki's. Tongues tangled. Noses flared. Breaths puffed out. 

“Good?” murmured Gintoki as they parted.

“Yeah,” Toushi murmured back, entranced. His eyes chased Gintoki's lips. 

“Good,” Gintoki said with a grin. 


	13. Borderline AKA making up our damn minds!

Suzuran stared at Toushi incredulously. “That doesn’t sound like your problem’s been solved,” She sounded concerned, which would be funny if he were in any other mood than morose. “I’m sorry but it actually sounds worse than before, dear.” She added in a motherly tone.

Toushi sighed. “He won’t tell me so I can’t exactly force it out of him.” He gripped his knuckles together and said: “I’ll just wait for him to…” He trailed off, feeling lost, grasping futilely at any possible avenue.

“Trust you?” finished his old neighbor, giving him a sympathetic look. “Good luck with that.”

His shoulder slumped at her doubtful voice. Dammit.

“I don’t really get why he’s so reluctant.” He mumbled, chagrined.

He knew there was a problem. He knew Gintoki was hiding things from him and that would be okay with Toushi if only it didn’t make him fear that those were extremely relevant to their just-blooming relationship. 

“Well,” Suzuran said reluctantly. “I can’t really tell what your boyfriend’s thinking, but I imagine being an orphan and being raised at a foster home might have something to do with it. Not to mention the fact that the only father-figure he had passed away.”

Toushi blinked with his eyebrows raising. “You think so?” He asked.

“I’m not an expert, you know.” She said, her voice dry and her eyes droll. “But that kind-of thing is hardly something people get over easily.”

Toushi frowned. He hadn’t given it a thought before. He didn’t know why. He knew that when he heard about Shoyo-sensei’s death, he had looked into Gintoki’s eyes and tried to see past those chestnut brown orbs to see some sign of grief. He thought he had caught a glimpse of it-- something tiny and obscure like a needle in a haystack that vibrated familiarly within his chest-- but then, Gintoki had kissed him and he had forgotten. Lost in the flow of their bodily entanglements like broken twigs and branches get lost in the fast rush of the stream as it tumbles into the waterfall.

It didn’t help that as far as he had seen, Gintoki looked like a normal sociable person who made snarky comments occasionally, was extremely chummy with his students, could take a joke at his own expense, invited his students to his house, didn’t care about the state of his class, didn’t care about anything, really. 

Was it a facade?

The whole Gin-sensei thing-- was it just him fronting it for the whole class while his mind was trapped in some moment in the past? 

Toushi knew what that felt like-- he recalled the weight of glaring eyes, standing with a bowed head, fists crushed at his side as his shoulders trembled in fear and anger. 

A tall, slender and elderly woman stood with her cold black eyes surveying him with a disdain that sucked all the warmth from his body. 

“ _ See how he looks at me-- like a prickly wild animal waiting for me to attack him in some way so he could retaliate somehow. You really think he deserves the title of our house?”  _ She asked of Toushi’s brother, whose face was dark with worry. She scoffed. “ _ If you really wanted a pet, you could have picked up a wild dog, but no. You had to pick up an abandoned baby off the side of the road who would turn out to be a disrespectful, irreverent, unlearned, brutish  _ freak.”

Yes, he knew exactly what it felt like. 

“You shouldn’t overthink it,” advised Suzuran, interrupting his descending thought spiral. He looked at her, trying to push away all the haunts that tried to rise out of him. “It just might be that that isn’t the problem. Maybe, he just doesn’t think he can form a relationship with a guy. Maybe, he has an ex he can’t forget. It could be so many things.” When Toushi only looked at her with furrowed brows, distress all too apparent (not only because of Gintoki; he couldn’t get the memory in his mind out), she quirked her lips. “You don’t have to speculate. He was right about that, you know. You’re a teenager. You’re supposed to relish every moment of your youth while it lasts ‘cause when you become an adult too fast, you never get a chance to experience things without worrying.”

They were quiet for a little while. Toushi looking at the ground and Suzuran looking into thin air with a peaceful smile.

“Suzuran-san,” He finally spoke, his throat feeling too stuffed up, too tense. “Is it really going to work out?”

There was a long pause where she didn’t look to him. He pressed his hands together.

Then-- “As long as you don’t give up,” She replied and gave him a once-over with an amused grin. “And you don’t look like a giving up kinda guy.”

Toushi smiled softly.

  
  
  


On Monday, Toushi sat with the “cool kids”, as Ayame put it, for lunch break at the cafeteria. It was starting to get chilly outside so they had given up on eating out in the rooftops for the time-being. He was chowing down on some rice from his bentou when a shadow hovered over their table. 

Gintoki stood there, looking vibrant and cheerful with a grin on his face.

Toushi chewed as he gave the man a neutral look, while thinking: Is that smile fake?

“Hey, guys. This is Kyuubi.” He gestured at the guy beside him. He was fairly average height, black hair tied behind his back in a ponytail, his features terse and sharp. “Kyuubi, this is guys.” Gintoki gestured to Shinpachi, Kagura, Katsura, Tsukuyo, Toushi, Kondo and Ayame. They all stared at him blankly, except for Shinpachi and Kagura who were smiling a little. “Guys, Kyuubi is cool. Kyuubi, these guys are cool. So get to know each other well, why don’t you? Good? Good.” He finalized without hearing anything they could have said, turning his back to them. Then, he stopped and turned back around. “Oh, one more thing, Kyuubi is actually a girl who likes to dress as a guy. Bye.”

He waved at them and walked away, his steps light. Toushi stared after him. He didn’t even look at Toushi once. It made sense. He did say that even if his whole class had noticed something was going on between them, they had to hide their relationship from them. Then, he said that even if Otose was always on his side and would never fire him, he liked to be extra cautious when things like Teacher-Student relationship was the rule in question.

Then, Toushi had asked him how many Teacher-Student relationship had he gotten into in a joking manner. Gintoki had leaned in, his eyes flickering like flames were crackling inside them and his mouth coming up to press around Toushi’s. They were soft, warm and sweet.

“So how’s it going, Kyuubi-san? Everything alright?” Shinpachi asked, giving her his congenial reception. She nodded stiffly. Toushi eyed her. He sympathized with the idea of being overwhelmed by a large company of strangers. 

“I’m sorry if this is too blunt but is this another one of your club’s projects?” Tsukuyo asked, her chin on her palm and her elbow pressed on the table.

“Well, we-- and by that I mean, mannered people-- like to call Kyuubi-san her, not ‘this’.”

“Really?” Ayame asked rhetorically, her eyes sparkling with interest. “I thought transgender girls like to be referred to as a ‘he’.”

“She’s not transgender. She just likes to dress as a guy,” defended Shinpachi irritably. “There’s a difference.”

“Oh?” Ayame said, looking bored again.

Finally, Kyuubi spoke for herself: “I don’t really care how you refer to me, honestly. I’ve been called by the ‘he’ and ‘she’ together practically all my life. It doesn’t really bother me.”

“Wait, all your life? How’d that happen?” Tsukuyo asked.

Kyuubi sighed. “It’s a long story, but the point is, I got used to being a boy and I don’t know if I even want to transition back to a girl, because I feel comfortable being a boy and I know it’s weird but I feel like-- like myself.”

“Huh,” Ayame murmured, giving Shinpachi a pointed stare. “Sounds like a transgender to me.”

“What I want to know is,” began Katsura, his expression unflinching-- so serious still even in such a casual setting. “Why the heck is Gintoki of all people sitting her down with us?” 

“Yeah, that’s totally atypical of him to do.” Tsukuyo mused, “What makes her special enough to be introduced to us? I mean, he didn’t even introduce Toushirou to the class.”

With his mouth full of food, Toushi grumbled. “Leave me out of it.”

“Not really, he did introduce Toshi.” Kondo put his two cents in. “Sensei just forgot to pick him up from the administration office.”

Tsukuyo burst out laughing. 

“Oh my god, do you remember that day?” She asked Ayame, who let out a snort.

“I can’t forget.” She humphed, glaring Toushi down. “This asshole had the nerve to pick a fight with sensei right in front of me.” 

Toushi rolled his eyes and happened to catch the eye of Kagura, sitting there silently, watching him. Her chopsticks were in her mouth and her eyes were assessing him quite keenly. He raised a brow. Didn’t Gintoki tell her not to tell anyone?

But then again, was Kagura the kind to keep her mouth shut?

She looked away and said aloud: “Kyuubi has people skill problems. Gintoki-sensei wants her to hang out with us and get more open. That’s all.”

Tsukuyo paused, gave Kyuubi a weighty look and smiled warmly. “That’s nice of him,”

“Yeah, he’s been extraordinarily nice these days,” Kagura said, scrunching her nose. “It’s sickening.”

Tsukuyo looked at her, a little alarmed by the vehemence in her voice. “Whoa, okay. I’m pretty sure you like that he’s nice to people.”

“Yeah, well, I like when he’s acting like he’s not nice and then, does something nice unexpectedly.”

Everyone stared at her.

Shinpachi snickered. “Do you even hear yourself sometimes?”

“Do you even hear yourself sometimes?” She mimed him, saying what he said in a taunting way. “Answer me this, bitch-baby. How is it like having a small eardrum and a smaller dick?”

Toushi sputtered, spitting out the food in his mouth. “We’re eating here.”

Kagura’s eyes were narrow as she eyed Toushi. “Oh, I’m sorry, let me remedy that by the shits I will give in the toilet today.”

Tsukuyo closed her eyes, biting her lips. Ayame pushed away her food. Kyuubi looked down at the juice box in front of her with dawning nausea. Kondo continued to eat his bread. Toushi hesitated, looked at the rest of his bento and put down his chopsticks. Katsura continued to eat his tamago with gusto.

“Really? You had to be all nasty now?” Tsukuyo demanded angrily.

“Oh, get over it. Lunch is almost over anyway.” Kagura said.

“It’s almost over?” Toushi asked without his permission. He looked at his wrist-watch and saw that there were approximately seven minutes left till bell rang. He stood up. “Uh-- it was nice to meet you, Kyuubi. I’m sorry these guys are so overwhelming but you’ll get used to it. And I have to go. I’ll see you later.”

He walked away but not before hearing:

“By the way, is nobody going to point out Kyuubi-san’s unique name?”

“Oh yeah,” A giggle. “So, how many tails do you have hiding in there?”

“That’s harassment, Sarutobi-san.”

“So? He’s a big boy. He can take it.” Another giggle.

“I don’t get it.” Kondo’s baffled voice rang out behind him as he shut the cafeteria door behind him. He stopped there pressed against the door, hearing the muffled chatters, laughter and yells. Suddenly, his feet were moving-- no, racing across the floor. Fast, fast, faster. His heart thumped hard against his chest.

He saw Gintoki’s back in the hallway and called: “Hey!”

There were still a few students around, still some background noise that could have drowned him out, but Gintoki heard him. He turned around, his hands in his pocket, and his eyes on Toushi. 

Toushi gestured with his head and walked to an empty classroom he knew was nearby. He entered and closed the door behind him. A minute later, the door opened again. 

Toushi looked at Gintoki who shut the door back again.

“A little too conspicuous of you but oh well, what did I expect from the world’s worst liar?” Gintoki said, glancing at Toushi who stood still as a statue.

Toushi didn’t say anything back. Gintoki opened his mouth to say much more but shut his mouth, reading the temperature of the room. They watched each other for what felt like eternity but were only a few seconds.

Then they leapt, hands snaking around each other, mouths meeting abrupt and sharp, breaths sucked in. Thrust themselves in the arms of love with their caution and reason thrown into a tidal wave. Was there ever more pleasure than in a kiss?

He was wanted. That wasn’t an act. He was wanted, desperately. It wasn’t a lie.

He gripped the back of Gintoki’s shirt and when Gintoki tried to pull away, he stole back those lips. There was lightness to the kissing after a turn. Nips and grazed touches. Sweet and soft.

But Gintoki told him to just feel, to just ignore the nagging voice that told him things weren’t quite so amazing as they felt or looked or sounded. So he put more pressure into the kiss, growling against Gintoki’s lips, hands scratching at the exposed part of his neck. He wanted to forget his worries. Wanted to forget everything.

Gintoki followed along, his hands tracing along Toushi’s rear with teasing hands. Then, they rested on Toushi’s hips and squeezed. 

Their groins met and it was electricity burning through Toushi. “Oh god, I need you.” He cried out in the heat of the moment, his breath hitching at the thing he just admitted. He almost bit off his tongue. It was too soon. Too intimate of a detail to just share just like this. 

“You have me,” murmured Gintoki, soothing the nerves that were attacking Toushi’s heart. “You have all of me.”

“Okay,” Toushi accepted only because he couldn’t imagine an alternative. “Okay.”

If he said okay enough, maybe things would just be okay. Right?

He closed his eyes and slipped himself into that moment of pleasure. That high. His cock twitched in his pants and his tongue tangled with Gintoki’s. Hands on his bottom squeezed harder, pulling him closer. A steady drum of desire took over that place, boiling his blood, making him sensitive to every sight, every touch, every smell and every sound.

“I hate you,” slipped out of his mouth unexpectedly, breath coming out in pants. Gintoki didn’t seem to mind and devoured his inner mouth with all the feverish vigor Toushi needed at that moment. It practically melted him to the spot.

They breathed in each other, eyes half-lidded. Watching each other. Their minds racing. Their hearts beating faster. 

“I’m hard,” Gintoki told him, looking pained.

“Me too,” admitted Toushi in a small voice.

“Frankly,” Gintoki gritted out. “I don’t think I can let you go at this point.”

“I have class,” Toushi reminded him even though he agreed with Gintoki on the idea of never leaving.

“You should have thought of that before you invited me here in this empty classroom and gave me the most delicious kiss.” hissed out Gintoki, sounding frustrated.

Toushi panted, his groin throbbing as he grinded it against Gintoki’s thigh. 

“Do you have lube?”

Gintoki paused. “No. Why would I bring lube to school?”

“Because,” started Toushi, annoyed. “You see your boyfriend at school most of the time.”   
Gintoki grimaced. “I just bought a new bottle full of lube but it’s in my dressing table.” Toushi glared. He shrugged, not apologetic in the least. “I really didn’t think we were at that stage.”

Toushi whined, rubbing insistently into Gintoki’s thigh. “I need you, Gintoki. Please.”

“Whoa,” murmured Gintoki, rolling his hips back into Toushi’s. “When I told you to just feel, you really went for it, huh?”

Toushi glared as his fiery desire waned at the reminder. The pulse in his hips vanished like it hadn’t ever existed.

“I’m trying,” He growled out, his head aching, his teeth clenched together. “I’m trying to just feel and that means not thinking, not talking, not  _ joking _ . But you didn’t get that memo, I guess.”

“Hey, hey.” Gintoki looked startled at the angry overtones in his voice and leaned forward, fingers coming up to grab Toushi’s cheek. “You don’t have to force yourself.” His voice sounded so reassuring. So safe. So nice.

“I’m not forcing myself,” Toushi muttered sullenly.

“Okay, that’s fine.” Gintoki nodded, brushing Toushi’s temples with his thumb back and forth, back and forth. The motion was so soothing that Toushi could just fall into it and forget anything. Everything. “But if you’re not feeling it, that’s fine. We’re okay.”

Toushi didn’t refute this time. He could probably make himself rise to the occasion again but he didn’t want to.

They separated, the temperature dropping in the room from flaming emotion to cold reservations.

“It’s not that I don’t want you.” Toushi said, feeling frustrated at his inability to just forget and get on with it.

Gintoki looked a little sad. “I know,”

They looked at each other. Gintoki knew. Toushi knew. They were both pretending and it wasn’t working for Toushi because he hated pretending. Hated the idea of sex without feelings in the equation. It wasn’t like there weren’t feelings on both end. Maybe, too much.

It was just-- It was like Gintoki’s talk about the currents that existed between the two of them. The currents were all the wrong color right now. As if, one side was the shade of-- of ocher and the other side the shade of copper. They mixed in well but they weren’t the right color. The right color would be amber-- bright red like blood, like the lipstick his sister-in-law wore on the wedding day-- that was passion and vitality and adoration, all of it wrapped in one.

There was a moment when Gintoki’s eyes lighted up with a thought, went down in contemplation and lifted up to meet Toushi’s eyes.

“We really need to talk, huh?” He gave a deep breath out, looking for all the world like he wanted to do anything but that.

“You don’t have to,” Toushi said, feeling like his tongue was a foreign object in his mouth for once. It was too dry. Like sandpaper. Rough. 

“I want to,” Gintoki defended. When Toushi gave him a look, he amended: “Because I want you and I’ll do anything it takes to make this work.”

Toushi peered up at him carefully and scoffed. “All that avoidance and now you wanna try to tell me?” It boiled his blood. 

Gintoki’s eyes were downcast. “I was hoping that I didn’t have to. I was hoping you’d just let it go, but you are--” He gazed into Toushi’s eyes and smiled a smile that was unfamiliar to Toushi. Tender and affectionate. Toushi was entranced by it-- drawn like moth to flame. And then, a frown replaced his lips. His mouth opened and without any preamble, he said: “I don’t trust you, Toushi.”

Toushi blinked. It took a moment for him to absorb those words. It took another moment for him to believe it wasn’t a joke. Once he believed it for the truth it was, his eyes stung and his heart squeezed.

“What?” He asked, bewildered.

“You’re young,” pointed out Gintoki, frowning at his own argument. He took a step back, his expression changing. “You’re indecisive, you’re hormonal, you’re experimenting with me. Take any of it-- just any of it as a reason, but I just--” And here, he looked wretched, heartbroken and yet cold too. “I can’t trust you.”

Stunned with hurt by the list of illogical, disparaging statements made against his person, Toushi fisted his knuckles. He grappled with the rage for a minute. For a minute only. But he had had enough. It was all enough.

Toushi raised up his fists and punched his teacher in the face.

Gintoki fell back, feet clumsily catching up to the impact. He stopped, holding his hand over his cheek, his eyes down. Then, when they lifted, they went narrow and sharp and… red.

“I’m done,” spit out Toushi with feeling. He turned to go but he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. “Let go, you--” He jostled his shoulders, trying to jerk the hand off of him but it was attached quite firmly there. He whirled around, glower at the ready. “Stop pushing and then pulling all the time. I’m done!”

As he was yelling and simmering in the righteous rage that made his vision go red and the sound around him go mute, he didn’t pay attention as hands came up to grasp him by the back of his head. Once he did, they were already toppling into a wall. 

He gasped as his back slammed against the blackboard and was caught unprepared by the assault on his mouth. Lips pasted over his, tongue carved a path inside him with no warning. He was frozen with his mouth slack, his mind trying to catch up to the ‘why’ but never getting any farther than that because his body was responding a little too fast and too hard to the aggressive energy. 

“For what it’s worth, I hate you too,” whispered Gintoki in his ear. Something about the way it sounded, the way it touched his ear-- it irritated him, made him want to tear Gintoki into pieces. Gintoki pulled away, his lips glistening. Toushi looked at his lips and then up, at his amber eyes that practically declared their challenge with how fiercely they shone. They looked almost like blood-red rubies. He narrowed his eyes and Gintoki was lurching back in to capture Toushi’s lips. Toushi dug a portion of Gintoki’s arms, which earned him a yowl and finally, he understood the language being spoken here. 

He growled, shoved himself at Gintoki, stuck his tongue down the demon-eyed man’s throat. It earned him an approving hum and a responding tongue meeting his smoothly. Hips pushed together, thrusting into each other with a startlingly erratic rhythm. They grappled with each other’s limbs, lips, hair, waists at turn. Like the turns of a wheel, so went their hands without caution or doubt-- one time gripping at locks of precious silver-bluish curls, another time seizing both strong forearms in a bruising hold, and another time snatching a hip and clutching at the meat of it until a cry came out of Toushi’s mouth.

His dick throbbed at the pain, heat prickling out from the inside. Wet mouths met, opened and closed with their saliva trickling out of the edges. Nails caught at the nape of Gintoki’s neck. 

Suddenly, Toushi’s inner thighs were grabbed and he was hoisted up with the wall as his support. Their hips careened together and Toushi’s head hit the wall at the unexpected movement. He let his legs fold around Gintoki’s hips and thrust against Gintoki’s cock hastily. Gintoki pushed forward as well, his features tight as he rolled his hips rough and harsh. Toushi’s nails gouged harder at Gintoki’s skin, his teeth gritted together. They plunged into the ascent-- or was it a descent? -- with their muscles tightening up and their eyes rolling back into their head as pleasure hit its peak.

  
  
  
  


Toushi grimaced, uncomfortable with the cum cooling in his boxers.

“That wasn’t the best idea,” He said, looking accusingly at Gintoki who was sitting on the desk with an unreadable face. He hadn’t said anything about what just happened yet. It wasn’t like they hadn’t dry-humped each other before, but it was intense. Specially because it had been very… rough.

When Gintoki didn’t answer him, he crossed his arms and faced the man. “What the hell was that anyway?”

Gintoki assessed him and then, casually looked away. “Do you know I’ve been in a fight club?” Toushi quirked his brow. He didn’t know what this had to do with-- Gintoki smiled and said, “I guessed one of your friends would have told you already, but I like fighting. It makes me burn. Enlivens me.” He paused here and turned back to stare at Toushi. “It turns me on sometimes too.”

Toushi swallowed. Oh.

“My longest relationship--” continued Gintoki. “--was in high school, with a religious girl. She was all kumbaya-- positivity practically dripped from even her sweat.” He sounded almost vehement, his teeth baring the slightest bit as he bit out ‘sweat’ before he took a minute to recover. “In my foster home, I had friends but I had enemies too. So we fought. A lot. Not like little scuffles that ended with dirty clothes and maybe, a bloody nose. These fights were brutal. A punch to the stomach. A knife raised against you. Bloody knuckles.

“I had a bit of a reputation there.” He grinned. “Even my foster parents were afraid of me. So what were the chances that anyone would come in there and choose me?” Gintoki shrugged his shoulders, expression turning soft. “But Shoyo-sensei chose me. I was wailing on a snobby kid when he first met me, beating on the kid again and again and again and he stopped me, told me: ‘What do you raise your fists for? If you’re protecting someone and he’s the enemy to their safety, I will not stop you. But if it’s because you like the taste of copper in your mouth and the red shroud covering your eyes and the physical ache that overrides the pain you feel inside, then I’m sorry but I can’t let you do this. When violence begins for the wrong reasons, you cause yourself more harm than the person you’re hurting.’”

Toushi stared, eyes wide. His lips pulled to the side as he remarked in a feeble voice: “Wise guy.”

“He was amazing,” Gintoki’s lips stretched and his head tipped sideways. “Was able to look past me in one meeting. Was able to tell that I wasn’t so much as taking my anger out on the poor kid, but just trying to get away from the pain inside me.” He swung his legs around, his eyes far away as he shared: “I was very good at beating someone, not so good with people. Still, I liked fighting. It was a part of me and Shoyo saw that too so he taught me the basics of kendo himself. When his health started disintegrating, he made up a lie to explain why he couldn’t mentor me anymore. Oblivious, I went on to join my high school boxing club.

“It wasn’t the same,” Gintoki added somberly. “I missed the blood. The scramble of it. The unruliness of it. The wildness. And it made me antsy. Didn’t help that Shoyo-sensei wasn’t around a lot. Probably was dealing with the growing cancer in his lungs. So while I was dating Yuki, that was her name-- Yuki-- I joined this fighting club downtown. I was actually underage but that didn’t matter. I was really good at beating the shit out of people. The only thing I was good at back then so that went on for a while.

“One day, one of my bitter rival who had lost really hard against my excellence came up to me at my school.” When Toushi’s eyes grew big, he nodded. “Yeah, found out about me somehow and just showed up in the middle of classes. Anyway, I got into a fight with him. I was in a bad mood. My real identity was revealed. It was a whole big mess. So I beat him really badly.” He tipped his head down, his loose curls flopping over and his pressed hands tapping rhythmically against the desk between his open thighs. “And Yuki found me like that. Bloodthirsty. Barely in control. My fists trembling.”

Toushi looked at Gintoki’s glum profile and felt a connection with Gintoki that went deeper-- that touched something painful inside him and flickered it on. A sort-of kinship. A kind-of empathy with Gintoki’s situation that burned all the facades that could have existed between the two of them once and for all.

He understood too well what Gintoki went through. Most of Toushi’s life was spent trying to eliminate the wildness that came naturally to him, because of his unruliness, because of his desire for the high of a fight, of a tussle down dirty hills, of ripping off and throwing away everything because there was an ill-tempered demon within him that raised its head at the slightest hiccup in his normal, everyday life.

He had tried so hard to keep it under wraps. Kept busy with studies. Kept his head down. Bought lots of manga and participated in action-figure collecting fanaticism. Wore glasses.

Still, when that urge raised, he couldn’t help how fast he moved. He wasn’t a think-first, ask-questions later person at all and it was because of that stupid impulsiveness of his that his brother-- that he caused his brother to--

After Tamegorou Hijikata had lost his eyesight trying to placate Toushi’s mistakes-- after Toushi had heard all the heaped up accusations and cold receptions and the occasional ‘I hope you were dead’ from the other Hijikatas -- he had almost succeeded in leading a small, passive life.

For two years.

It had actually been fun too. He had fallen for Mitsuba-sensei even because she was so kind, so sweet, so beautiful.

But when it came for the moment of truth-- when sensei could have found out about Toushi’s proclivities towards fighting-- he couldn’t let her know who he really was underneath his mask of nerdy, respectful student. So bad that he would do almost anything. Withstand anything. That’s how much he loved Mitsuba-sensei. That he feared that she would see him for who he was and be horrified.

Sougo had known that-- had been able to read his fears easily.

Some kind-of bad turn of fortune had sent him-- him who despised Toushi-- at the exact moment when Toushi stood with piles of bodies surrounding him-- himself a bruised up, dishevelled mess in the middle. 

And he had been caught in a trap.

It didn’t matter that by the end of his negotiations with Sougo, Mitsuba-sensei found something even more horrifying about Toushi than his bloodlust.

She found him and Sougo kissing.

“Let me guess,” Toushi finally said to Gintoki, “She was horrified to see you like that.”

Gintoki raised his head, his eyes flickering with some thought as he gazed at Toushi. “Yes,” He shook his head, smiling humorlessly to himself. “Called me a demon, even.”

Toushi chuckled. How ironic. His biggest fear-- the reason for his cowardice and his humiliation-- Gintoki had already faced. He had looked into the eyes of someone he loved and she had looked back at him in fear and contempt. The only way Mitsuba-sensei had looked at him was confusion and then, she had run away. And Sougo had smiled this victorious smile like what he had always wanted had happened after all.

“No wonder you’re so screwed up about us then,” Toushi said to Gintoki ruefully, “I get it. I’m sorry that I pushed.”

Gintoki eyed him with interest and slid down from the desk. He ambled toward Toushi with his gaze stuck to Toushi.

“No,” He said once he was close enough to Toushi that they could breathe each others’ air. “Keep pushing.”

Toushi blinked. “What?”

“I’m not done answering your question,” Gintoki said, his index finger lingering on Toushi’s cheekbone as he brushed it down. “Sure, Yuki may be at the heart of my problem. Or maybe, that I don’t trust you.” Toushi twitched. “Maybe, the age-difference is my problem.” A caustic smile enveloped Gintoki’s face. “But that-- when you punched me in the face just now-- when you couldn’t control your urges anymore-- when you just let it all out--” Here, the smile augmented, amber eyes melted like warm honey into a deep topaz color, and thumbs came up to hold both of his cheekbones. Gintoki looked intense, with his eyes deep and brown and piercing in their own way. “I realized we’re the same.” 

His lips pulled to the side in amusement at Toushi’s bemused face in return to that proclamation. “You know it’s true,” He murmured, voice husky and low. His eyes were adoring as they looked at Toushi. “You feel the same fire. You burn the same way. Your fears are so very much like mine. We’re at the same wavelength.”

“And you’re attracted to that?” Toushi asked dubiously once he snapped out of the trance Gintoki’s voice, eyes and touch had put him under. “How very narcissistic of you.”

“No,” Gintoki said with that mystifying smile that would not go away. “You’re different. For one, you aren’t loud. You aren’t abrasive. And you do like fighting, I imagine, but not as much as I do. You only fight when you need to. When you’re backed into a corner. I fight because I yearn for it-- like morphine-- it’s pain-relief for me.” Toushi could deny that but he knew it was truth because of the absolute openness on Gintoki’s face. 

“And you don’t care what people say unless they’re really important to you.” Toushi whispered. “But I do. I care about everyone’s opinion.”

Gintoki’s lips spasmed. “That sure makes sense.” He kissed Toushi’s forehead, which was surprising for the way it was done. Almost casually. Like it happened everyday. “You’re the kind-of different that matches my different perfectly.”

“Wow,” remarked Toushi dryly. “That’s going on the top of the list.” Gintoki raised a brow in question and Toushi gave him a cheshire grin. “The list titled: Ways Gintoki Confessed To Me In The Most Roundabout Way.”

Gintoki opened and closed his mouth. He looked a little embarrassed now. A tinge of pink touched his cheeks. 

“Right.” He coughed, one hand coming up to cover his mouth. His hand came down as he looked anywhere but at Toushi. “As long as you know, I don’t have to actually say it.”

“Don’t worry,” Toushi assured him, the smile on his face refused to leave as it continually stretched his cheeks. “Your way of saying is way better than just some _ lines _ .”

Gintoki huffed, feigning exasperation. “Is the cheeky thing going to stay because I might have to take back everything.”

Toushi laughed. “Yeah, okay.” He turned to go and stopped. “I forgot.” He looked down at his pants. “I still have this mess to fix.”

“Good luck with that,” Gintoki said, walking off. “I’m going home. Can’t stay here in soiled pants. Someone might notice.”

“Okay, cool.” Toushi fell in step beside him. “I’ll be playing hooky then.”

Gintoki glanced at him. “Oh?”

Toushi gave him a sly look. “Don’t you think it’s about time we put your lube to good use?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! I made a fanmix for this fanfic. Listen to it if you like. This chapter was written while listening to Alessia Cara's "River of Tears" and "Low Life" by Future & The Weeknd. It's a longer chapter than all the others because there was a lot to resolve before the next chapter.  
> http://8tracks.com/mabulaufeyson/ginhiji-i-ll-write-your-name


	14. Connection ft. for the first time

 

The ride to Gintoki’s apartment was filled with a silence-- a calm before the storm, Gintoki guessed. They didn’t touch each other, not even a play at a touch between their fingers. There was no anticipatory heart palpitating nor a raging hard-on that they both were controlling in some way once they got to the door. They were just very calm.

But once the door was shut behind them, some power inside Gintoki moved unthinkably. Images flashed behind his eyelids-- vivid images of his most wretched, most depraved fantasies-- in the millisecond before his hands found their way around Toushi’s waist. The blazer covering the boy was rough to the touch and an increasingly irritating deterrent to the maddening erection that had sprouted in two seconds flat from him.

It was the idea that he had Toushi all to himself now. Right this moment, their door was locked and they weren’t likely to be disturbed. It was the best aphrodisiac he could wish for. He had been so looking forward to this.

He pulled at Toushi’s collar and yanked hard. Toushi pushed at his chest, pulled away to give him a nasty glare and unbuttoned his blazer with a slowness that nipped at the thin patience that Gintoki still had.

There was a twinkle in those greyish blue eyes that spoke of mischief and challenge and teasing.

Gintoki felt undone by it. 

He waited through the undressing, gathering that thin patience and gripping onto it for dear life because if he didn’t, he really would rip all the clothes off of Toushi and that wouldn’t be a smart thing to do, considering. 

Toushi took off his blazer and started to undo the buttons of his white uniform shirt. Gintoki made a noise of impatience and Toushi flitted his gaze up at him. There was a moment where some sort-of calculation went through that head of his and then he pulled the shirt up and out, tossing it somewhere behind him.

Gintoki bit his lip, staring at his chest, his hands twitching.

Toushi looked at him and tipped his head, a smile lurking on the corner of his lips.

That was all the invitation Gintoki needed.

He rushed into the lean, muscled chest all open and naked for him and grabbed Toushi on both sides of his stomach. Their mouths, with measured haste, latched together. A moan answered his kiss and Gintoki sipped up the rumble of that noise like sweet wine, eagerly lapping at that inner wet cavern with all the desire that made him what he was right at that moment.

It was heat that drove him. A heat that started at the tip of his fingers with a static electricity and permeated off of his skin.

He explored a firm chest, the pads of his fingers brushing upward, upward until they were brushing nipples. Toushi shivered into his touch, his eyes going half-mast as he arched.

Gintoki imagined just then the way Toushi would tilt his head back, his eyes rolling back into his head as Gin thrusted into him. The thin string that was his patience snapped in half.

He shoved Toushi into some wall in his living room, his lips tightly pressed against Toushi’s. His hand went to pinch Toushi’s nipples and they both groaned, huffing into each other’s mouth. He pushed his tongue back inside that mouth and his hands with a mind of its own traveled down and down until it was squeezing Toushi’s rear. 

He growled in frustration at feeling the cotton uniform pants blocking his access to Toushi’s ass. 

“I am taking this off right now, so help me god.” He hissed as a forewarning to Toushi.

The boy raised a brow. “Go ahead,” He said, smiling-- no, smirking, that shit.

Gintoki gave him a sharp smile back. Toushi was looking into his eyes when Gintoki slipped his front button off so he got to enjoy the startled look Toushi gave as Gin unzipped his pants. He pushed at his bottoms until they slid right down, falling to the floor. Gintoki looked down at the soiled boxers wrapped around Toushi’s hard girth and rubbed his palm against it.

Toushi’s eyes were narrowed slits as he made a quiet noise under his breath. It almost sounded like a whine.

“What? I didn’t hear you,” Gintoki said, cheeky grin pasted to his face.

Toushi’s glare in return was baleful as he reached up to loosen Gintoki’s tie. Then, he made to quickly unbutton Gintoki’s dress shirt off him. He was pretty deft at it too, which confirmed Gintoki’s suspicion that he was being a cocktease before.

“You’re such a shit,” He murmured in Toushi’s ear, which made the boy shudder once again. It was no small feat to make his boy quake on his feet and it made Gin preen with satisfaction that he was capable of it.

He was special to Toushi, he knew.

He grasped the back of Toushi’s head and yanked him back with a few locks tightened around his fingers. Toushi grunted, gritting his teeth as his neck bent backwards. Gintoki bent forward and nipped at his adam’s apple before moving on to the fleshy part of Toushi’s neck, giving a particularly vicious bite there.

He relaxed his grip and let Toushi pull his head back only to give Gintoki a questioning look. He was flushed all over and Gintoki had almost tasted the pulse beating fast near his carotid. He knew what he did to Toushi and it made him giddy with glee. That feeling was mixed in with the feeling of possessiveness too, though.

_ That feeling like I want to covet him all to myself _ . It was a strange and out of place reaction at this time when only playful teasing and hard yearning to get off existed. 

_ So strange. _

Toushi seemed to have shaken off the weird moment and worked on getting off Gintoki’s pants. That went without a hitch and Gintoki was standing naked under the waist with his dress shirt open halfway while a tie hung off his neck loosely. He must look terrible, but one look at Toushi’s face made him reconsider.

Black eyelashes fluttered at the sight of him and a harsh breath was taken in. “You look really good like this.” Toushi said, looking almost entranced with what he was seeing on Gintoki.

“Yeah?” Gintoki asked rhetorically. “Good enough to eat?”

Toushi’s eyes snapped up at him, their depths heated with blazing lust. “Yes.” He answered.

Gintoki’s lips twitched. “So we’re all good then.” He took off his shoes and grabbed Toushi’s muscled thighs, bringing Toushi’s calves around his hips as he walked further into the apartment until they were at his bedroom. “No more waiting around.” He declared as he unceremoniously threw Toushi onto his bed. “I’m fucking you now--” He walked to his drawer, taking out the lube and condom there before he went back to standing over Toushi. “--and that’s final.” He twisted the cap of the lube bottle and put a dollop of it on top of his hand. “Any problems?”

Toushi shook his head, eyes wide and his Adam’s Apple bobbing tremulously.

“Then,” Gintoki gave a sharp grin, eyebrows waggling. “Let’s get to it.”

Toushi stared up at him, nodded, and spread his legs slowly. Gintoki watched as the boy attempted to raise his hips up as his elbows pressed on the mattress. His folded knees parted to reveal a slight glimpse of his hole. 

Gin’s cock gave a jerk.  _ Damn. _

He approached the boy, knees pressed against the mattress before one of his hand went and rested on one side of Toushi’s hips. His other hand, filled with lube, remained up. He stared at the mass of skin right in front of him, waiting to be devoured by his tongue and teeth. Feeling the cold slick on his palms, he decided to focus on something much more interesting.

Once his head was level with Toushi’s crotch, he used one hand to grab Toushi’s right cheek and lifted it. He could see the hole clearly, but the lube would slip off if Toushi kept his hips at this angle.

“Lie down, Toushi.” He ordered. His eyes surveyed the opening, wrinkled and dark-brown as it opened and shut for him. He flickered his gaze up to Toushi’s and the embarrassment apparent on the boy’s face only made him harder. With some hesitance, Toushi lay fully down. “Good. Lift up your hips.” Toushi did, giving a low whine. “Up, up.” With one hand, he helped angle those hips and smiled when the boy’s hips were at an acute angle. It presented him with a pretty good view.

“Hmm,” He murmured softly, noting how Toushi’s breath hitched and his cock spasmed in front of him. “Good.” He said and upended the whole dollop of slippery white liquid all over Toushi’s hole. The way Toushi’s hole reacted-- convulsing at the liquid’s touch around and in it-- it was like Gin had touched his dick. 

“Oh,” Gintoki moaned to himself. “You really want me fucking you, huh?”

“Mmh,” was the answer to that stupid question.

“And fuck I will.” Gin intoned, his teeth digging into his lower lip as he fingered the lube until his fingers were coated with it. Then, he breached Toushi open with a finger. Precum splattered out of Toushi’s cock with a jerk. Gin went in deeper, pressing inside with his finger wriggling around. 

“More,” huffed out Toushi, arching his back.

What an eager reaction. Gintoki wanted to ask him if he’d done this before, but it might just set the mood back and anyway, his cock was pulsing more frequently than his own racing heartbeat. He couldn’t think straight like this. 

He retracted the finger surrounded by tightness. God, it was tighter than a cunt. The skin around his finger twitched and clutched at his sheathed limb. It didn’t feel like a woman’s opening. Not as slick, for one. 

He gathered more lube around Toushi’s opening and went back in, pressing in and pulling out as often as possible. He was thinking about the books he had read about gay sex as he focused on the prep so he didn’t become conscious of the noises coming from Toushi until nails scratched at his arm. 

He glanced up and god, what a sight it was: Toushi panting, flushed all over, needy whines spewing out of his mouth as he directed a pleading look at Gintoki. 

Gin couldn’t help snickering, which made Toushi glare at him. “Okay, okay.” He assured the boy and added another finger. Toushi’s hole was relaxed enough to accommodate the new intrusion. Gin did the same motion with two fingers and when Toushi let out a low keen moan, he decided to stop teasing and thrust in three fingers.

The way Toushi bucked his hips into them was a sight to see and also, incredibly telling. Somehow, Toushi had experience with fingering, otherwise he would felt a little pain or discomfort at the third finger going in. Or maybe, it was because Toushi was a teenager, which made him highly sensitive to… well, anything.

Once again, Gintoki wondered why he was in a relationship with a teenager, but that was a slight afterthought when heat consumed his skin and his cock was hard as a rock, dripping with precum.

He pulled out his fingers from inside Toushi and jerked his hand back and forth on his cock, breathing heavily as he eyed the winking hole in front of him.

“You ready?” He asked Toushi, who blinked at the sight of his cock and nodded jerkily. “Good, because I’m way past the limit of patience.”

And he thrust in.

“A-Ah!” cried out Toushi. His lips twisted into a grimace.

“You okay?” questioned Gin, putting a stop to the motion of his hips so the boy could get used to him.

Toushi’s eyes watered as he blinked through what Gintoki knew was pain now.

“Is it too much?” asked Gintoki, overly alarmed and worried for the boy yet also, dealing with the sweet embrace of Toushi’s insides around his cock. “Toushirou?”

Toushi’s eyes snapped open and he looked at Gintoki with an odd expression. He nodded slowly and said: “Kiss me,”

Gintoki couldn’t refuse. It was Toushi’s first time so they didn’t have to do it exactly this way: with Gin raising Toushi’s hips at an angle and his cock pressed into Toushi as he knelt over the boy.

So Gintoki let go of Toushi’s hips, let them rest on the mattress and grabbed Toushi’s inner thighs instead. He pushed on them until they folded and calves came around his back and he lay over Toushi, their heads level with each other.

“Hello,” Gintoki greeted with a smile.

Toushi rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around Gintoki’s shoulders.

They kissed some for a while before Toushi was urging him to move so he did. It didn’t take long after that for them to peak, the pleasure was too much.

Even Gin, being the adult with more endurance, found himself losing his seed into the boy.

They looked at each other once the deed was done and after their breaths and sense came back to them. 

Gintoki shook his head. “I forgot about condoms.”

Toushi shrugged. “I don’t really care. We’re clean.”

“Yeah, but still--”

“You’ve read up on this, haven’t you?” Toushi interrupted, making Gin blink in surprise. “The whole prep thing-- you researched it, right?”

It was Gin’s turn to shrug. “Have to know the mechanics, you know. Just in case.”

Toushi’s lips gave a twitch. “Okay. Thanks, I guess.”

“It wasn’t really for your benefit,” Gintoki said, scratching his head. “I wanted to fuck you.”

Toushi’s lip widened into a smile. “You haven’t fucked me, yet.” He informed Gintoki teasingly.

“Oh?”

“I wouldn’t categorize that as fucking. Not in the traditional sense of the word.”   
“There’s a traditional sense to the word ‘fucking’?” asked Gintoki, playful.

Toushi’s eyes shone with mischief. “Yes. Should I show you?”

Gintoki found his cock reacting to the atmosphere. “You’re gonna show me. How?”

Toushi lips turned and he brought them close to Gintoki’s ear as he whispered: “I’m going to ride you.”

Gintoki smiled, popping a semi. Second round, it was.


	15. Intrusion AKA when ignored things come back to bite you in the ass

_It’s going to be fine_. Toushi told himself, sitting on the window seat of the school bus. It drove on with a swaying motion, the engine whirring beneath while the students occupying it were chatting. Two girls in front of his seat were kneeling on their seat, facing a few friends of theirs, talking about what they were going to do on the trip.

 _We’ll be as far away from my neighborhood as we can. There’s no way I’ll meet them_. Toushi thought, fists clenching, teeth gritting.

“Toushi?” asked Gintoki. He was standing on the aisle between the seats and while before, his attention had been toward Shinpachi and Kagura who were sitting on the seat across from Toushi, now it was on the black-haired transfer. Toushi looked at his questioning face with his own blank one. “Geez, weren’t you listening? Kagura and Shinpachi here were wondering what kind-of shops should they go to for good souvenirs.”

Toushi twisted his lips into something resembling a smile. “I haven’t been there very often so I don’t know what to tell you.”

“What? They were right in your neighborhood!” Sarutobi exclaimed from beside him, looking scandalized. She looked at him head-on. “Did you think yourself too cool for sightseeing in your own city?”

Toushi rolled his eyes. “Let me correct your misconception here. I lived in one of the cities of the Osaka prefecture, not in the capital city Osaka. So whatever you think I’m likely to be privy to, I’m not. I know basically nothing.”

A few of his classmates who were all sitting quite closeby to them looked at him in disbelief. “Really?” asked Kagura. “Then, where do you live?”

Toushi sighed. “I lived in Fujiidera.”

“Ohhhhhh,” the rest of them said together.

(He heard someone say: “What’s Fujidera?” and someone else reply: “A fruit?”)

“Hey, why didn’t you tell us?” Shinpachi asked. “We’ve been bothering you about Osaka for a while now.”

Toushi thought about how to lie about that. He hadn’t exactly wanted to specify his hometown just in case somebody zealous enough to pursue his address went there or really, just googled it and found out about his reputation. He had left the place for a reason.

He never wanted to visit that part of his past again, much less only a few months after what happened with Sougo in that classroom.

Not that that was the only reason he wasn’t going there again.

He still remembered the pained look on his older brother’s face as he told him he was transferring to a school in the Edo prefecture.

“It’s called Lake Toya. Pretty accommodating, since I’m transferring in the middle of the semester.” He had said. His brother’s eyes remained stuck on the wall behind Toushi’s head before he gave out a sigh.

“You’ve made up your mind,” Tamegorou had said. “I can’t stop you, can I?”

Toushi remembered the way his face twitched in a wry look, a look his brother couldn’t see because of him.  “I was always going to leave.” He had said, swallowing the sting of those words they caused deep inside. He knew it hurt Tamegorou too, the way his face registered the words, took the weight of them with a worried furrow of brows.

Then, his older brother had grabbed Toushi’s head, firm fingers grasping around his ears, looked him straight in the eye with his grey, unseeing ones and said: “No matter what they say, you will always be welcome here. Always, Toushi. You’re my brother and I chose you. Over all of them.”

Toushi returned back to the bus, riding through the capital of Osaka with his new classmates and his new teacher. Left Fujidera and his brother and the Okita family buried back in his memories, shrugged off the remnant tears still welling up behind his eyelids and focused back on Shinpachi and the rest, who were waiting for answers.

He smiled a mean little smile at them. “You never asked. You just assumed.”

Shinpachi narrowed his eyes at him, frowning. Toushi glanced at Gintoki, who was staring at him with a strange look in his eyes.

Oh right. He remembered. He hadn’t told Gintoki about living in Fujidera either.

  
  
  


The bus dropped them off at a moderately nice hotel where Toushi was assigned a room with Kondou. Kondou immediately headed off to the bathroom, puking out the bad food he had bought off of a street vendor. Toushi put his bag aside and surveyed the room.

He shrugged after a precursory look-over. “Looks fine,” He took out his phone. It had been vibrating in his back pocket for a while. He scrolled through his messages.

Gintoki had sent him a couple. One text said that the teacher/chauffeur had a room all to himself. There was a wink emoji next to it and then a lecherous grin emoji.

“Hmmm,” Toushi murmured to himself. He was slightly irked that the man had gotten a room of his own. He just knew Kondo was going to be a Bad Roommate. He had all the signs of one. He would leave the bathroom with the door open in just a few moment so that all the bad smell of puke and shit just wafted over to the room and stayed around for days. He would hog all the blankets. He would talk in his sleep. He would leave his clothes on the floor.

Truly, Toushi would wish him on his worst enemy, not himself.

He gave out an exasperated sigh, texted Gintoki that he was jealous and sat on one of the twin beds occupying the room. The bus ride was tiring but they still had an evening walking tour ahead of them so he couldn’t go to sleep right away.

His phone vibrated again and he held it up to read:

_You can always come over here._

_Actually, come here right now. My room’s 512._

Toushi looked at the text dubiously, glanced in the bathroom’s direction, looked around the empty hotel room and gave a small smile.

 _Ok._ He texted and stood up, walking up to the closed bathroom door.

“Kondo?” He asked, leaning his ear to the door.

“Yeah, Toushi?” came the croaky voice of his friend.

He grimaced. “I’m stepping out for a bit. Just gonna get a drink from the vending machine--” _Which would take exactly five minutes_ , he reminded himself. _What if you need more than that, you idiot!?_ He winced. “--and-- and maybe, look around a bit?” He added at the end.

“Oh-- okay.” Kondo said from the other side.

Toushi nodded to himself, pursuing his lips. He was about to go before he stopped and gave a shot, just for the sake that he actually tried: “Uh-- and don’t forget to turn the vent on when you leave the bathroom. And close the bathroom door after you leave.”

There was a silence from the other side for a while before-- “Yeah, okay, Toushi.” said in the weakest, chokiest voice ever. Did he actually hear a whimper?

“Uhhh-- get well soon, Kondo!” He took the keycard from the tv trolley, gave the hotel room one last once-over before leaving.

Outside the hotel room, as he walked to Gintoki’s room, he thought about Kondo’s miserable situation and the guilt he felt about leaving him just to fend for himself.

“Not like I could do anything for him, right?” Toushi muttered to himself. “I mean, what would I know about treating food poisoning? And is there really anything you can actually do about it?” As he was pondering his dilemma, he slammed into a person and jolted away.

“Uh-- sorry,” He apologized, lifting his eyes to find Otae-sensei rubbing her nose where it had bumped his shoulder. His eyes widened. “Uh, so sorry, sensei.” He was quick to say as all the stories he had heard about this particular teacher raced through his head.

“Urghh,” Otae groaned, giving Toushi her stink-eye. “It’s fine. It’s not like it’s broken. Now, if it was broken, you might actually have reason to look so scared.”

“Oh,” Toushi said, looked at the floor for a bit, stared at her still sort-of grimacing about her nose and thought about Kondo and his sweet little crush on her.

 _I don’t see what he sees in her._ He thought.

As if she had heard his thoughts, Otae gazed at him with a frown. “What are you staring at?”

He jumped. “Uh-- nothing, I just--” _Quick, think of something! Before she can read your mind_. And then it hit him. “I was just coming from my hotel room and uh, I’m with Kondo. You know, sharing a room with him and um, did you hear about--?” He trailed off, his tone questioning. She shook her head, looking confused. “Oh, well, he’s sick.” She raised her brows in what he hoped was a bit of worry and surprise. “Yeah and he’s so-- he’s so miserable and I was walking around wondering how to make him feel better and I just, you know, happened to slam into you and I was wondering--”

“That I’m a girl so I would know how to take care of him?” She interrupted him with a disdainful expression.

Toushi opened his mouth, closed it and shook his head. “Nope. I just thought--” _Don’t say something to offend her. Do you wanna be kicked in the crotch!?_ Shouted his inner voice that sounded much like Gintoki’s. “That since he’s in love with you, he might like to see you.” Her expression which had been verging on anger deflated and turned soft.

“Do you think that’ll help?” she asked, her voice wondering.

“Well, he has food poisoning and as far as I know, that doesn’t have a cure. Just, just a lot of puking.” He informed her, couldn’t hide the disgusted look on his face. She nodded. “And um, having people you like around when your throat is killing you from all the heaving and dehydration and headache-- I mean, it feels like that would make him feel better.”

She stayed quiet for a little while after his speal of wisdom-- and where had that come from?-- before she looked at him and said: “I’ll think about it.”

  
  
  
  


“What took you so long?” Gintoki demanded when he opened the door to his room. Toushi entered and the door was shut behind him as he walked around and sat at the queen sized bed in the middle of the room.

“Nice,” He commented, looking around at the room. “Spacious.” He frowned. “I can’t figure out how our school budget has enough money to afford all this.”

Gintoki’s lips twisted down. “Don’t underestimate your Principal--” He walked forward, his arms crossed. “--but don’t change the subject. What took you so long?”

Toushi sighed. “I was doing a good deed.”

“Huh?”

Toushi rolled his eyes. “I bought Kondo a few drinks, convinced the love of his life to visit him, gave her an extra keycard just because and then, I headed straight here. It couldn’t have taken more than a half hour.”

Gintoki looked puzzled. “Why?”

He stared at Gintoki in disbelief. “Kondo has food poisoning.”

“So?” answered Gintoki, nonplussed.

Toushi didn’t know why he expected Gintoki to understand the idea of generosity and companionship. Actually, he knew. Gintoki was compassionate most times. Today, it just seemed he had lost all his chill.

“You okay?” asked Toushi.

Gin made a sarcastic face, smile a little edgy. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Yeah, why wouldn’t he be? Toushi didn’t understand, but those were the signs he was seeing. Warning signs.

He licked his lips. “Was there something…” He trailed off, looking into Gintoki’s eyes and caught the thin chips of ice that crystallized in those brown orbs. He took a deep breath in and braced himself for an oncoming argument. “...you wanted to talk about?”

Gintoki’s smile got a lot wider and a lot more edgy. “Why did you lie about Fujidera?”

 _That’s what this was about?_ Toushi was befuddled. “I didn’t lie.” He blurted out.

His teacher laughed. Not the good sorta laugh. It was a bad laugh, hit all the distressed strings in Toushi’s heart.

Gin stopped laughing, paused for a second with his gaze lowered and then, sat down beside him. He looked up, sought out Toushi’s eyes and glared. “Whatever you want to call it, Toushi.” He bit out. “It was a fucking lie.”

Toushi looked back at him and tried to see past the anger in those eyes, past his own internal panic. “I don’t know why you’re so bothered about it.”

“‘Cause--” Gintoki raised his hand, paused with it in thin air, and looked away, frustration painting his features. His knuckles fisted together on his lap. Toushi eyed them, feeling his throat clog up with secrets and lies and truths. “I know you’re restless.” Gintoki decided to say, in the softest voice possible. Toushi started. “I know you think I don’t notice or-- or don’t care or whatever it is that you still think of me, but I’ve been right there, watching you, feeling worried myself the whole way here. I kept thinking: what if you met-- met all those people you don’t want to meet. I was worried with you and I was thinking of ways to handle a situation if you happened to meet--” He gave out a humorless chuckle. “And then, I find out that there was nothing to worry about. You lived in Fujidera. They’re hundreds of miles away.”

Toushi struggled with his voice, tried to find his tongue and when he finally found it, his voice came out feeble: “That’s what you’re upset about?”

“No,” Gintoki said, “I’m upset--” his voice strangled here “--because you didn’t tell me anything. I’m going on observation alone. I’m your _boyfriend_ and I’m thinking you’re going to a place you fear and I don’t know fucking _shit_.”

Toushi looked at Gintoki’s profile and reached out to touch his hand. Gintoki glanced at him, his lips still turned down, his gaze now a little sad. Toushi offered him a smile. “I promise to tell you,” He squeezed Gintoki’s hand, pulling it into his lap. “Later.” When Gintoki opened his mouth to protest, he quickly hurried to add: “But we don’t have much time before we have to go for that stupid walking tour so we should take advantage of this--” he gestured around the hotel with his eyes and pierced Gintoki’s eyes with his flirty ones. “--alone-time…”

Gintoki snorted. “Really? Just like that? You’re exchanging a serious conversation for sex? You know I’m worried for you, right? I’m asking because I want to-- god help me, I want to protect you.”

Toushi rolled his eyes again, smiling a little wider. “Well, I’m a big boy and I’m not worried. Besides, when we’re back in Lake Toya, we never get enough opportunities to try stuff. And knowing Kagura is your neighbor, it’s honestly a little weird getting it on.”At Gintoki’s still upset chin, he sighed and said: “You’re right. They’re hundreds of kilometers away. They can’t touch me. So I’m okay.” He assured. He rested his hands on Gintoki’s shoulders, caressing his hands up and down the slope of it. “And you know, the only reason I’m so okay is because I have you. So…” He pursued Gintoki’s lips, leaning in, brushing it with his own. He breathed in the man’s scent. So simple and yet so intoxicating. “Just let me...”

“Just let you?” teased Gintoki.

Toushi bit Gintoki’s bottom lip harshly, stretching it out, chewing it for all his worth before he let go as Gintoki closed his eyes and hissed out a breath.

“Just let me,” Toushi murmured, copper on his tongue. “Just let us,”

Gin smiled and snaked a hand around his waist, pulling him up and Toushi found his arms gathering around his neck as he clutched Gin’s calves with his own. They went down on the mattress with a thud, Toushi’s back to it and Gintoki’s lips already on his throat.

Toushi’s eyes flutter closed as he arched his neck out, letting Gin’s mouth devour the skin there. He brought his hands up and hooked them around the back of Gin’s neck, scratching at the thin wisps of hair there. He shifted one leg on the back of the Gin’s knee.

A bite startled him.

He shuddered.

Gintoki whined into his neck, grabbing the hem of Toushi’s shirt hurriedly and pulling at it as he sat up.

“Come on, get this off now.” His voice had gone husky and his eyes were all blown out.

“You too,” Toushi urged as he pushed off his shirt over his head and worked on his jeans.

As Gintoki worked on undressing, he offhandedly remarked: “You know, I didn’t tell you this before but you look good in jeans.”

Toushi blinked, slipping off his boxers and throwing them on the floor. Turning to Gintoki, he raised a brow at him. “What? You want me to pull them on again?”

Gintoki gave him a cocky grin. “Sure, but would you be able to pull them on?” He waggled his brows suggestively and Toushi made a disgusted noise, rolling his eyes hard. Gin snorted out a laugh and discarded his boxers at last, shuffling closer to Toushi on his knees. “I was actually talking about how we never see each other outside of our respective uniforms.”

“Ah,” Toushi made a noise of agreement. He caught Gin’s face between his two hands, glanced at Gin’s lips and hummed with a content little smile pulling at his lips. Gin’s hands found themselves quite easily to his ass in a matter of moments and the lecherous grin on his face was just so telling.

Toushi chuckled and steered the man’s face toward his, mouth moving into the press of open, welcoming lips. Gintoki licked into his mouth, tasting of sweetness and smoke and running through his tongue like electricity. It charged Toushi up, seeped into his veins, made him breathless.

Pretty soon, they were rolling their hips with ineffectual attempts at grinding, frustration touching their nerves. Hands were out of control, automatically sliding over any part of each other’s bodies that they could get to. The kisses got a slight bit desperate. A bit rough even.

“Ah, fuck all this.” Gintoki muttered, grabbed Toushi’s hips and pulled the legs out from under him until he was lying down again. Toushi barely spared a gasp. He was just as hard and impatient. Gintoki hovered over Toushi with bared teeth, his veins bulging, breaths coming in and out short like he’d run five miles. He paused and looked to the the side. “Wait one sec.”

He went off to find lube probably. Toushi didn’t wait a bit. He grabbed his dick and stroked it. The friction wasn’t enough to end it, but it was enough to sooth the itch within him to-- fuck. He turned on his side, holding onto his dick so that it’d stop throbbing like he was going to come any moment. Gintoki came back holding the lube bottle.

Toushi breathed out a sigh of relief, his hold on his dick slackening.

Gintoki gave him a chiding look. “I told you to wait,”  
Toushi glared. “This isn’t S&M. You don’t tell me what to do.”

Gintoki laughed.

“I told you to wait for a reason.” Gintoki eyed Toushi’s cock with some amusement.

“Yeah, well, I have no patience. We haven’t had sex for three days.” whined Toushi in a tight voice.

Gintoki hummed and rested a hand on Toushi’s hip. “Are we doing it in this position?” He asked, his tone noncommittal.

“No.” Toushi said, turning on his back again. “Why? You wanna try?”

“Well,” Gintoki erred and paused in thought. When Toushi made a noise of impatience, he burst out a small, mischievous grin from his arsenal of smiles. “I do want to try some new positions. Missionary and doggy position are nice but--”

“Sideline? That’s your big sex dream position?” Toushi asked, rattled.

“Ha. Ha,” Gintoki laughed sarcastically, eyeing him. “Do you ever shut up?”

Toushi arched a brow at him, “No. Not when I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Gintoki sighed. “Just-- let’s-- let’s just do what we always do.”

Toushi could practically feel him deflating. “Um, you okay?” He didn’t know Gintoki cared so much about positions. Really, what even was there to different positions? You were still having sex.

“I’m more than okay,” Gintoki reassured him, licking back into Toushi’s mouth. His cock bumped into Toushi’s stomach and Toushi allowed him access as he lay back and thought about the lack of enthusiasm that was apparent in these kisses. From both sides.

He pushed on Gintoki’s shoulders and shoved him off. “Okay, what sex position do you wanna try with me?”

Gintoki’s eyes lighted up.

  
  
  
  
  


“This is called the pole position,” Gintoki says, lying on his back with his hands behind his head, which probably was his intention all along; not doing all the work. The bastard. “It’s dual stimulation for both of us. You know, ‘cause I got a great view of your ass as you go in and out and _you_ \-- well, you can rub your penis against my thigh as you-- you know.”

“Mhmm, I know.” murmured Toushi, struggling to keep his voice peppy and steady because this was-- this was-- “Mmmm.” He strangled a moan and pressed his lips together as he rose up, one hand on Gintoki’s leg (the one that was bent) and another on his chest.

 _It’s not even his birthday so why am I doing this?!_ He thought angrily. Too bad Gintoki couldn’t see his face. He would see his displeased frown, but half the reason Toushi was angry was because he couldn’t use his hands to muffle his moans.

It was hard to contain the pleasure ‘cause there was so much of it. Inside his rear, Gintoki’s cock was searing its way right up into his deepest pleasure points as he rocked down. On his front as he pulled himself up and down, his dick kept hitting or pressing against the whiskers of Gintoki’s upper thigh. And that was damn right good. It wasn’t quite like rubbing one out with your own hands but it was hitting all the good spots.

He wouldn’t be able to last. He knew. That also, made him angry. That he couldn’t give Gintoki a few more minutes of his favorite sex position or whatever.

Damn.

His thighs were trembling. He sat on Gintoki’s dick, struggling to use his thigh muscles so he could get back up again for another one. It was so good. He rose, pushed his dick into Gintoki’s knees, grunted, lowered back again.

“Nn,” Toushi groaned. Hands were suddenly on his hips, squeezing on his buttocks with a firm touch.

“Fuck,” Gintoki cursed. “Look at that. My penis going in and out of that red, juicy hole of yours. Fucking unbelievable.”

“What? That you’re fucking me?” grunted out Toushi in a pissy tone. He was close.

“No, your hole.” Gintoki’s thumbs pressed in close to his crack from both sides, dipped in and opened his hole up more for view as Toushi stopped moving. He had been mid-bounce and now, his ass was halfway up Gintoki’s dick. He blinked at the sensation of Gintoki’s fingers on the flesh that was tightly wrapped around a cock. It made some part of him pulse in desire.

He clutched at the dick wrapped around him unconsciously. A growled out groan from behind answered him. He turned his head, eyeing the snarl painting Gintoki’s features.

“You okay?”

“Stop--” Gintoki gritted out. “--asking me that question.” Toushi gulped. 

"Uh--"

Gintoki’s fingers vanished from around his hole and his hands were grabbing Toushi all of a sudden. Pulling Toushi and then, throwing him on his back and moving over him.

“I don’t have the patience for positions anymore.” Gintoki said in a harsh voice, attaching his lips to Toushi. He positioned his cock back to Toushi’s much-adored hole and entered without much preamble.

“Neither do I,” Toushi is barely able to whisper as he’s drawn into the frenzy of reaching the peak of their fiery lust.

  


That very night, when Toushi went back to his hotel room and slept fitfully on his twin bed beside Kondo, he dreamt of Sougo Okita and that moment once again.

That moment when he knew deep in his soul that no matter how wrong his head was screaming it was, he liked the hand wrapped around his cock.

“Ohh,” Sougo had said, noticing the throbbing, the strangled moans, the torturous furrow of brows that Toshiro hadn't been able to suppress. “You actually like this, don’t you?” The boy’s eyes had glimmered sharply in the shadows that scattered over the empty classroom, looking like this little tidbit was something he could use against Toushi too.

Arousal wasn’t a stranger to Toushirou Hijikata, but that day, he figured out what attraction really was and it wasn’t looking at a woman’s kind smile and thinking: I love her.

It was something darker. Something far dirtier.

He figured out that it should only be done in empty classrooms, in the dark, and in secret.

It should never be found out.

It was then that he heard a gasp. They both looked at the doorway to see Mitsuba Okita standing there. She was looking at the two of them incredulously, eyes wide, mouth quivering.

“Mitsuba-sensei?” Toushi couldn’t quite keep sense at that point. He was lost. Why was he feeling pleasure at the hands of a man? Why was Mitsuba-sensei here at this time? Why was she the one to witness this little shameful, graceless moment of his? What was going on? He just didn’t know anymore.

That day, Toushi figured out.

He figured out he might just like boys more but he also, figured out that this whole thing was a dirty secret that should never come to the light.

And he figured out-- as he turned and watched the cruel smile widening Sougo’s lips when Mitsuba left in a rush-- that he hated, loathed, detested Sougo Okita the most in the entire universe.  
  


 

This night, strangely enough, the dream didn’t end with Mitsuba-sensei leaving and Sougo’s cruel smile. They all vanished into darkness and Toushi found himself kneeling on the floor, his knees up, his chin on his hands and beside him, Gintoki sits next to him.

Gintoki glanced at him and gave him a smile that he hadn't seen on those lips before-- it was a bright smile-- almost like a blooming lily.

“You know why you felt that way, right?”

Toushi raised a brow. “What felt what--?”

Gintoki gave him an exasperated look. “Why you felt aroused when he touched your cock?”

“Uhhh--” Toushi blanked out for a second there, wondering why he was having this conversation with Gintoki of all people and in a dream, for fuck's sake.

  
“Oh, come on, Toushi.” Gintoki scoffed. “Anyone touches your dick, you’re gonna feel it. It’s like lesson number one for a guy owning a dick. You should know that.”

  
“Of course, I know.” Toushi muttered, pouting. “But I got really excited about it. Like almost jizz my pants type excited.”

Gintoki narrowed his eyes. “Huh, really?

Toushi made a face. “I don’t really know why. I hate the guy, no question. There was just something about-- about the way his eyes lighted up, the way he smiled like--” He scratched his head, thinking of how to put it. He looked back at Gintoki and it struck him. “He smiled like you.”

“Like me?” Gintoki raised his brows, looking at Toushi like he was mad. “You hadn’t even met me yet.”

“Yeah, well, you both smile like you enjoy torturing people so… you might just be twins and you never knew.” Toushi said casually.

Gintoki wrinkled his nose. “Blegh, no, please don't compare me to him.”

“What?” Toushi laughed at his reaction. “You haven’t even met him yet.”

“Don’t have to meet him. Don’t like him already.”

“Hm, is that so?”

“That is so. Now, stop making me so jealous and get over that stupid dream already.”

Suddenly, Gintoki had trapped Toushi in his arms and was looking down at him really intently. His eyes shone like red diamonds in the night and his lips parted to reveal white teeth that looked sharp enough to cut bone.

“How’d we get here?” Toushi asked, curious, lost in the reverie, fascinated beyond measure.

“Where?” Gintoki whispered on his lips and then, that dream ended too and Toushi was wide awake.

“That was new,” whispered Toushi to himself in the darkness, blinking up at the ceiling.


	16. Hospitality or time for shit to hit the fan is here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sooooo sorry, guys. I don't know what happened but I stopped halfway through completing this series. My attention sort-of fluctuates to be quite honest and then, I don't quite remember where I was to begin with.  
> Um, so I've already actually gotten chapter 17's outline done so I know what's gonna happen, just need to write it down (so don't worry, updates should happen fast)  
> Also, before you read this, be warned that it has curses and my writing might be a little different-- maybe?? Like, I know what kind-of mindset I was in when I wrote this before, but now I don't remember what that was. So I'm doing this with a different mindset. You may notice a change (not in the style, I don't think but how I narrate, maybe). Ugh, anyway, thank you for putting so much love into this fic. And for the reviews, I haven't gotten that many reviews in a fic since my fanfiction.net phase. So, thank you! And I will definitely complete this fic this year. Fingers crossed!

Looking at Osaka with a tourist’s eyes was a new experience but ultimately, not as exciting as say: having sex with Gintoki back at that hotel. 

The students were gathered together and walking sorta single-file, following a tour guide who was describing this and that about the landmark and statues around them. She waved a hand at one statue and talked about heroics and sacrifice and blah blah.

As interested students crowded around the statue and took photos, Toshi found himself back-stepping until he was right beside his teacher/chauffeur. Gintoki threw him a look and frowned disapprovingly.

Toshi ignored the look and rotated his head to the other side, appearing as if he was busy enjoying the pretty sky instead of trying to sneakily hold hands with his teacher.

The man next to him let out a choked cough when their fingers touched and immediately shoved their intertwined hands to his back.

“What're you doing?” Gintoki demand-whispered at him, his eyes flickering back to the students who were preoccupied for now. Toshi didn't look at him. He buried his unoccupied hand into his pocket and tried to appear nonchalant for all the world to see, if they were curious enough to look behind them.

But since the statue seemed to be fascinating enough to hold all their attention, he was safe for now.

He caressed his thumb over the arch of Gintoki’s palm, grazed it over and over, feeling the answering tingle in his own hand and then, with impossible precision, let go.

Gintoki’s eyes when they swiveled over to him were wide with muted awe and Toshi gave him a flat smile before ambling slowly back to the crush of students gathered near the statue.

For a minute, he half-heartedly listened to the drone of the tour guide’s explanation and the excited chatter of his classmates. Then, he noticed eyes on him and glanced sideways to see Tsukuyo looking back at him.

He raised a brow.

She stared at him for a few seconds before closing her eyes and giving out a heavy sigh.

“So you've made up then?” She asked, flitting her golden-brown eyes to the path ahead of them.

He only blinked back at her, confused and afraid he knew exactly what she was asking. 

“Uh,” He said, pretending he was perplexed by her question, which he was but-- “Excuse me?”

“Please,” She rolled her eyes, a stifled smirk covering her lips. “Don’t pretend like you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about.” She gestured her head at Gintoki’s direction and said: “Besides, he already told me all about the shenanigans that happened between the two of you. Especially, the sex thing. He loved mentioning the sex thing, even if I didn’t want to hear about it.”

Head spinning, his thoughts a muddling mess, Toshi sputtered: “ _ Wha-  _ What?”

Her eyes sparkled their amusement at him. “Oh yes. Did he tell you about his ex-girlfriend, Yuki, yet? She was the one who gave him this absurd hang-up about potentially dating you, you know.”

Toshi bristled, which was reasonable because who the fuck did she think she was, gloating about how much she knew about him and Gintoki? That was between him and his teacher. She didn’t come into the equation, but apparently, Gintoki hadn’t gotten the memo on that. 

He had told her?!

“He told you?” He asked her in a barely restrained voice. She only quirked a brow at his clenched jaw and the repressed glare that wasn’t quite fading from his face. “Everything?”

“Well,” She crossed her arms as she pondered the question. “I wouldn’t say everything as I’ve been out of loop about you two making up after that fight you had three weeks ago.”

“We didn’t have a fight,” He bit out testily. 

“Could’ve fooled me, with the way you were avoiding him. I mean, I have to give you props for holding onto the avoidance act for a whole day-- even getting up in the middle of class-- and the way you ran when he almost caught you on the way to lunch--” She chuckled, her shoulders shaking as she held back her mirth. “God, I was in stitches.”

“Glad I amused you,” He said, a tic developing above his right eyebrow as he tamped down on the urge to strangle her.

“Oh yes,” She agreed, smile widening. When he only seethed internally, she took pity on him and said: “Don’t take it the wrong way, though. He just looked so sad and lost that day that he would’ve unloaded on anyone. He needed to confide in someone and since I knew exactly what was going on between you two, he felt I was the easiest to talk to this with.” She then angled her shoulders to his side in a chummy fashion, nudging him a little. “Also, not to brag, but I’m more mature than a few other classmates of ours so I was the better choice for conversation, at that point.”

He swung his head aside and muttered: “I didn’t say anything,” 

“Your eyes said enough,” She straightened up and frowned. “And may I inform you that the reason you and Gin-sensei are having a somewhat healthy relationship is because I advised him to go and talk to you at your home instead of trying to ambush you in the middle of class like a moron. I think I should be given points because that boyfriend of yours is annoyingly stubborn.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” He mumbled again, turning a scarlet color.

Her lips drew up with sardonic edges. “Could've fooled me,”

He didn't reply or retort. Nothing he could’ve said then would've  _ not  _ sounded defensive. So he kept his mouth shut in a pique of frustrated stubbornness. 

When Tsukuyo noticed him pushing out his mouth in a childish pout, she huffed out a laugh.

“God, you two are made for each other,” She said, shaking her head.

He twitched but didn't give her the attention elsewise she'd think he was interested to hear why she thought he and Gin-sensei were meant to be. 

He wrinkled his nose and shook his own head, trying to shove his sentimental side to the backside so he didn't have to think about it too hard. 

He and Gintoki were finally on the same wavelength and he didn't want to disrupt that by hastily naming the thing between them as something so heavy as “meant to be”. Maybe, Toshi liked to jump the gun too fast but that seemed excruciatingly clear to him now that he was in a vague, romantic-stylz relationship with a lazy man like Gintoki, who was more into “taking time” than facing things head on for what they were.

It was just annoying, that's all but Toshi had decided that quietly drawing Gintoki in with his somewhat allure was all he could do for now.

He was just a teenager, after all, so it was better that he didn't waste all his time on a useless adult’s thought process. Besides, the “sex thing”, as Tsukuyo called it, was pretty fun all on its own and while he would like to know Gintoki reciprocated his feelings, he wasn't in a rush to take this to the mushy level.

Maybe, he would never be in a rush about that because mushy stuff freaked him out too.

Just then, a loud scream split the background chatter and Toshi’s content, self-satisfied monologue cracked in two. He turned his head in curiosity, just as his other classmates did the same.

“Fuck, shit, what the fuck did you just do?!” A vicious curse hurled into the air from a large man who was six-feet tall and was hovering over the China girl with all his muscled arms on display (Toshi called her China girl in his head because she had two elaborate ornaments binding her hair to either side and it just reminded him of Chinese woman, for some reason. Not to mention that she had a delicate, china-like fragility to her face-- not that that stopped her from kicking ass, he knew). 

“Oops, sorry,” The China girl scratched her head in a flat voice that didn't sound very apologetic. “I guess I wasn't watching where I was going,” 

With crinkled brows, Toshi noted the large, elaborately-designed plate shattered in halves on the floor. It actually looked like something straight out of a historical museum. Exactly like the one they were just about to enter.

_ Oh, please don't tell me... _

“Are you kidding me, you stupid brat!” The large man spat. “Are you motherfucking deaf on top of being blind?! I told you to watch out like a million times. Did you not hear my hollering? Cuz I think my own ears bled from how loud I was screaming. And what the hell were you doing in the middle of the street? Was that some type of martial artist type dancing?! People walk here, you know. Have some sense of decency!”

“I apologized already, didn't I? What more do you want?” She said, pushing her pinky in her ear and twirling it to try and clean her ear-wax. She reminded Toshi of Gintoki in that moment. That moron teacher of theirs really was the worst role model for any impressionable kid but Kagura was already right in the bottom of Most Behaved Student in School. 

This situation didn't look like it was gonna turn out well.

“Oh, yeah, well, how about you fix the million dollars worth of antique plate right here  _ or  _ you pay up the exact amount before I beat you to a pulp.” He said, popping his knuckles, a menacing grin curling his lips.

_ Shit. _

Toshi looked at Gintoki’s direction and saw that he was just standing there, looking disinterested as fuck.

_ What the hell? _

Not knowing what else to do, he advanced towards the big, angry man and China girl to somehow resolve the situation before it escalated but a hand stopped him from reaching Kagura’s side.

It was the glasses-guy, Shinpachi. When Toshi gave him an incredulous, wide-eyed look, Shinpachi just showed him his resolved eyes and Toshi wilted for a second in confusion.

It felt like they all had a handle on things (since none of his classmates, Chauffeur included, looked the least bit concerned) but seriously, did they?

So with ongoing trepidation, he whipped his head toward the center of uproar and saw that things had escalated quite a bit since he last looked there.

Fists were clenched in China’s collar and the short, ferocious girl’s face was pulled up to the big, angry man’s level and they were glaring at each other. She looked like a China doll in his grip. Like she would break quite easily if she was touched.

“Let go of me, you giant waste of breath,” Kagura growled.

“What the hell is she doing?” Toshi whispered, aghast at her consistent provocation in the face of clear danger. He understood the need not to back down in the face of steaming hostility but  _ this _ \-- this was going a bit far.

“That's fucking it!” The man roared and his fist swung back before hurtling forward.

At the same time as the man roared, Toshi sprinted towards them, not even thinking. The fist landed on the China girl’s face before he could block it though and the copper-haired girl went down on the floor with a painful thud.

Toshi passed her a concerned look before he pulled up in front of the big, angry man. Why was it that he always found himself facing these kinds of situations?

Oh well.

He glared at the man head-on, snarling: “She's a girl!”

“So?” The man asked rhetorically. 

“So,” Toshi couldn't hold back the punch that shot out of him and bit straight into the man’s hard cheekbone. “You're a scum!”

The man hardly blinked, much less move from the force of his punch. Dammit, he had lost practice. Also, who the fuck did Kagura think she was to pick a fight with a man this big and powerful?! Did she think she was King Kong?!

The man touched his cheekbone in a cursory fashion and tilted his head, eyeing Toshi with dark interest gleaming. A curve unfurled on his chapped lips and then, he bared his teeth and along with it, his fury.

“That was a mistake,” He said softly as if it was news to Toshi. Nope, Toshi was already aware he was fucked.

An uppercut caught him around his stomach and flung him backward until he landed on the floor quite a few feet off, sucking a jarring breath in.

“Oh dear,” He heard the tour guide say behind him.

Footsteps sounded on Toshi’s right side. With a hand on his stomach, where a bruise was surely forming, he glanced at the legs standing next to him.

“You okay?”

He stared up at blue-silver hair shine a brilliant white as a sun ray stabbed him right in the eye. Toshi looked away, not able to stand the sight-- not the sun or the brief glimpse of strained rage on Gintoki’s face.

What was it with him anyway? He'd seemed so detached and cold when Kagura was grabbed around the collar but now, he was here: caring and protective.

He cared for Kagura too, Toshi was sure, so what was this? Why did he feel good that there was concern here when what he should be feeling was indignant about being treated less than a girl?

He did feel indignant, too, of course but the other feeling won out, for some dorky, mushy fucking reason.

“I'm okay,” Toshi answered in a blithe way so his inner sentiments didn't practically ooze off him. He stood up, brushing off dust. “He's strong but that was nothing compared to… before.”

Which was technically true. In the past, a lot of average boys had ganged up on him and he had gotten pummeled in the same place multiple times-- so really, that man’s forceful punch was much like that.

Technically.

Gintoki nodded slowly, not looking at Toshi once. Then, he trotted forward, ordering: “Stay here,” before he was gone-- to face the stocky, muscled man alone, that is.

Toshi blinked. No. No, he was not just told to stay back while Gintoki dealt with the shithead. Nope, nope, nope, he was not letting Gintoki take on this shithead alone.

With shoulders set, he went forward and realized someone was walking by him. He looked to his side and saw that the China girl was bleeding from her nose but was ultimately healthy and alive. Her eyes were twinkling in a dark excitement that Toshi related to in some way. 

They both exchanged a look and she grinned at him, a black malevolence in the curve of her lips.

An inner red heat that had been swirling inside his belly since he confronted the angry, big man was slowly uncoiling and floating up from his throat to his head.

_ Adrenaline _ . He realized as he felt his heart pumping in his chest.  _ Well, then. _

He nodded at Kagura. She pulled up her fist for him to see and he smiled as he bumped it with his own reddened fist. He couldn't believe it. He was bonding with Kagura, the girl who had been glaring balefully at him ever since she found them kissing on Gintoki’s doorstep.

On either side of Gintoki stood both of them like avenging angels and as they rushed into the fight, Toshi finally understood that these classmates of his were blood-thirsty creatures, just like him and Gintoki.

  
  
  


Admittedly, the fight had been utterly unnecessary as after exchanging hard and heavy blows with the Big, Angry man, they had been separated almost immediately by the security in charge of the museum.

They had been admonished by the tour guide, who pointed out that really, it was China girl’s fault this whole fiasco happened in the first place. 

The museum curator was harried to the point of pulling out his thin, grey hairs and demanded they pay for the shattered plate and their manual labor guy’s injuries.

Afterwards, Gintoki had been on an hour-long call with Principal Otose, wincing all along the way to the hospital as he listened to her angry tirade. Toshi sat by his side in the car so he could hear snippets of said tirade and it made him want to wince too.

He hadn't stopped to think about the consequences, which was weird, because he always thought about them. There had been something in the air, Toshi was sure. That could be the only explanation.

_ Or maybe… _

He glanced at Gin-sensei, who was still pacifying Principal Otose over the phone with a stiff smile plastered on his face.

“Whatever,” grumbled Kagura on Gintoki’s left side, sitting back with crossed arms. She had a black eye, a broken nose and bruises all over her body and yet, she looked more lively than the rest of them, who had gotten beaten down less than her. “It's not like she was here so how would she know what kind of situation we were in.”

Toshi winced for real this time. This girl-- she was impossible. Still so stubbornly resistant to admitting that she might have been wrong. 

And they  _ all _ might have been wrong. 

Slightly.

Maybe.

“Kagura, dear,” Otae-sensei said from the driver seat. She had been nearby when the incident happened and had sent off her group as well as Gin-sensei’s to the hotel before she’d offered them a ride to the hospital. “There's a time and place for picking fights, you know.”

That was her understanding tone, which was scary on its own alone. Because if you didn’t agree with her then for sure, you were in danger of the biggest beat down of your life.

“I didn’t pick a fight, nee-san!” retorted Kagura, leaning forward so she grabbed the back of Shinpachi’s seat. “That guy kept screaming his head off in front of me. And for what? A shitty little plate?! What the fuck do I care? And couldn’t he just calm down for a second there?! But noooo. He had to keep eating my brain until I had to teach him manners.”

“Well, to be honest, it was more Gin-sensei teaching him manners than you.” Shinpachi pointed out in a reasonable tone from the passenger seat. 

Kagura scoffed. “Gin-sensei wouldn’t have raised a finger if it weren’t for--” A boisterous succession of coughs interrupted what she was about to say. Toshi glanced in Gintoki’s direction, from where the suspicious coughing attack was coming from, and saw that Gin had ended his call with Otose in the meanwhile. 

Finally.

“You okay, Gin-san?” Otae-sensei asked in an overly saccharine, but subtly sly tone.

Toshi looked out the window, trying to extricate himself from this looming, doomed conversation. 

“Ahem, ahem, yeah, I’m-- you know, something got stuck in my throat all of a sudden,” Gin said while still fake coughing, hunched over. 

“So did you finish talking with Principal Otose? What did she say?” Shinpachi questioned.

Gin took a second to recover from the coughing episode and straightened up, clearing his throat. “Uh, yeah, that. Thing is, that old hag kept going on and on about costs and expensive damages and my troublesome history as a bad role-model so I sort-of hung up on her while she was in the middle of her temper tantrum.” 

While Shinpachi, Kagura and Toshi blinked at him, Otae-sensei hit the breaks all of a sudden and the car came to a sudden screeching halt.

“Ah,” Gintoki turned pale-white, as if realizing what a big mistake he had just made.

“Nee-san,” Shinpachi murmured nervously.

Since Otae-sensei’s back was to Toshi, he couldn’t exactly pin-point her expression but all the rest knew in some way and they all simultaneously gulped as her head turned to face Gintoki. She was smiling still-- as far as Toshi could see but…

“Toshiro-san,” She said, her forehead twitching, her mouth a fixed mask of serene smiling, and her eyes closed.

“A-ah, yes?” Toshi replied immediately, side-eying Gintoki, who was looking horror-struck.

“Would you mind stepping out of the car for a bit?” She asked him.

“Ah, um,” Toshi glanced at the trembling hand now clutching his sleeve and swallowed nervously. “Uh, um, yeah, sure.”

Gintoki gave him a wide-eyed betrayed look as he opened the car door and stepped out, turning his back on the gang. In the next few minutes, he heard a few outrageous sounds, some girly screams (that sounded funnily enough like Gintoki’s high-pitched voice), some thuds and thumps that sounded painful to be honest, and Kagura and Shinpachi pleading with their “nee-san” to take mercy on “poor Gin-sensei”. But he didn’t dare look back. Or else, he would try and do something foolish like get in the way and say something bizarre like: “Don’t hurt my boyfriend’s cock, please! I need it!”

The yowls coming out of the car certainly gave him the inkling that Otae-sensei might have single-handedly messed up their sex life for the next few weeks.

God, but it was Gintoki’s fault. Why did he have to be so careless and irreverent to the very end? Served him right.

  
  


Gintoki actually hadn’t gotten hurt that badly during their fight with the Big, a\Angry man but Otae-sensei’s…  _ tender  _ fists had rendered his cheeks swollen and had provided mottled bruises all over his ( _ sexy-as-all-get-out _ ) body. When Toshi had sat back in the car, Gintoki had been clutching his cock while crying in pain, which pretty much confirmed all his suspicions. He didn’t dare look in Gintoki’s direction the whole way.

When they got to the hospital, he was just given an inspection before being discharged almost immediately. Since the others were still getting treated for their battered bodies or accompanying said battered-patient, Toshi took a walk around the second floor where the ER and basically his maybe pissed-off boyfriend wasn’t. 

He turned a corner and found a vending machine lining the bare white-painted walls. Pushing a hand into his pocket to search for some change, he ambled over to the vending machine and checked out his selection. After that shitty day, he needed something to calm him down.

He saw one of the vending machines offered a cigarette packet and thought about it.

Truth was, he had smoked a few times but in secret. He had enjoyed it for sure. Breathing it in and out after a long fight used to put him at ease, calm him. 

_ Calm. _

Well, his nerves were shot to hell after that scary demonstration of Otae-sensei’s crazy strength. He needed all the extra help to brace himself for what he knew was going to be another confrontation about personal issues with Gintoki.

Today was just not a good day.

He released a heavy sigh and pressed C6 on the machine to obtain some much-needed cigarettes. 

“I knew that’s what you would press,” the male voice came from right behind him.

Toshi froze.

“Guess I still know you best, huh.” continued the familiar voice in an irritatingly smug undertone that he loathed beyond measure.

Toshi turned and glared as he came face-to-face with his recurring nightmare, former molester/bully and his former crush’s brother, Okita Sougo.

Okita Sougo, who was shorter than him but stared down Toshi like he was the dirt under his shoe and smirked like a crazy, sadistic villain from some action anime.

_ Why is this my life _ ? he thought to himself, increasingly aggravated that despite all his assurances to himself and his boyfriend, this crazy bastard still found some way to enter Toshi’s life.

“Why are you here?” He demanded with a dark scowl encompassing his face. 

“I could ask you the same question,” Sougo replied in that annoying, sneering tone of his. God, he hated this guy. He never wanted to face Sougo again! 

Why was his luck so shitty?!

“I’m here because I’m injured,” Toshi gestured at the bandage on his forehead and pointed his index finger at Sougo next. “Now, you tell me what the fuck you’re doing here right now or I might just report you to the police for stalking me, you big cunt of an asshole,”

Wow, he didn’t know he had that in him.

Sougo smiled, looking surprised. “That’s funny. I didn’t know you cursed like that. I wonder what onee-san will think of you if I tell her.” He put his finger up to his face in a parody of thoughtfulness. The smirk played on the curves of his worm-thin lips.

_ And I don’t know how I could have ever been attracted to you! _ He almost wanted to shout.

“Don’t you dare bring up your sister in between us!” He ordered in what he hoped was a strong, determined voice. “I’m done with letting that come in my way.”

“Letting  _ that _ …” repeated Sougo, brows furrowing, his smile finally melting into a frown. “My onee-san isn’t a ‘that’,  _ Hijikata-san _ . She’s the most important person in my life and someone you really adored so I would appreciate it if you respected her and called her by her given name.”

“I mean no disrespect to your sister. Mitsuba-sensei is amazing but I wasn’t referencing her so much as your… your stupid blackmailing of me because you knew what I felt for her!”

“Oh please,” Sougo said with a shrug. “You didn’t deserve her. You never will. The way you gave in to the easy pleasure of my hand-- I mean, how could I trust such a susceptible player like you with such a precious gem like onee-san?”

“Is that what that was?” Toshi questioned, lips curling down in disgust. “You manipulated me in that situation because you have a sister complex?!” 

Sougo’s shoulders rose once again. “Call it what you want. Just know that I don’t tolerate half-assed courtship of my onee-san. If you want to give her your heart, give it all the way. Not like you did-- just eying her from far-way, trying to get her attention through any means and being all nice and respectful to her like that’s what she needs. Let me tell you, that was not what she needed.”

“Oh,” Rage simmered in his veins like a beautifully coiled origami. It simmered and simmered until he knew only the fists clenching at his side existed. “Is that why you ruined my life? My reputation? Why I was forced to move to a different school? A different city?”

“I didn’t know you would move. It isn’t my fault you’re a pansy-ass. Can’t even stand up to gossip. I mean, what kind of self-respecti--”

“If you’re trying to provoke me to pick a fight with you, you can stop,” He interrupted Sougo’s conceited speech because he was out of patience. “I’ve already decided not to leave you alone until I’ve punched you in the face once.”

“Only once?” Sougo tilted his head and smirked brilliantly, his eyes shining some kind-of twisted triumph.

“I’ll put all my strength into it,” Toshi promised vehemently.

Sougo glanced behind him, a thoughtful frown crossing his face before that look immediately faded until that arrogant look he was so familiar with came back with a vengeance.

“Okay,” Sougo said, leaning forward, mouth parting with an evil grin sliding over his face. 

_ That. _ That was the exact look he wanted to wipe off the face of the earth with his fists. Some impulsive string of nerves acted before he could give it much thought-- they were inside a hospital, a disruption would cause bigger trouble for him and his teacher/boyfriend-- but too bad, his clenched fist had already flown. 

His knuckles hit the jutted bone of Sougo’s chin with all the aggressive energy that had been jittering inside him and before he could crow for the way Sougo’s face moved to the side from the impact, before he could relish the slow red mark swelling on the side of Sougo’s face-- before he could prepare himself for it-- Sougo had grabbed his wrists and binded them against the vending machine above his head.

Toshi gasped as Sougo leered down at him, grasp tightening around Toshi’s wrists as they were basically stamped on the glass of the vending machine. He was first mute and speechless-- speechless with horror and disbelief at how fast he went from vindictively punching Sougo to this very familiar position. 

It was familiar because this was the exact type of way Sougo held him when he wanked Toshi off in empty classrooms.

Toshi never explicitly allowed this so it had not been consensual-- but he knew deep in his heart that had Sougo never done this to him, he would’ve never discovered his sexual identity. He was happy about that. That strange dream yesterday had definitely helped ground that truth but that didn’t mean he wanted to be under Sougo’s reign once more.

He wanted to be under Gintoki.

Not this smirking parody of a villain.

“Remember this?” whispered Sougo, leaning his mouth close to Toshi’s ear. Toshi stiffened and began to struggle under the constrained grip. Gritting his teeth, he tried to put all his strength into it-- but truth was, Sougo was more powerful than him-- so he was overcome quite easily. For some fucking reason, _ that _ also pissed him off a whole lot about Sougo Okita.

“Oh, I know you remember,” Sougo breathed on Toshi’s ear, nuzzling his cheek. “I’m sure your body remembers better than anything. Tell me,” He grazed his lips against Toshi’s jaw, blowing heated breaths that basically were just an irritant but may or may not be turning Toshi on for some fucking reason. Toshi tried to back away as Sougo’s body melded together with his but there was nowhere to go except forward. So instead, he swept his head to the opposite side, keeping his face away from Sougo’s. 

“Do you still wank off to memories of me?” Sougo asked.

“Like hell, asshole,” Toshi spat out and felt stupid because he wasn’t even facing Sougo while trying to verbally fight him. This was just doing wonders for his sense of dignity. First, Gintoki tried to protect him. Now, this assholes was trying to molest him (AGAIN) and he couldn’t even retort properly for fear of being kissed. 

He was incessantly enraged about the turn of events right now.

“Don’t lie,” Sougo angled his head Toshi’s way, eyed him and then released one wrist of Toshi’s before gripping his jaw. “I know you miss it. I know you felt it. I know you still feel it.”

Toshi brought his released hand up and slapped Sougo in the face, which the boy had never expected, of course. Because like past encounters between them, Toshi was supposed to melt into putty when his dick so much as twitched to the heat of the moment. No fucking way was that happening again.

Sougo looked back at him, shocked. “What the hell--” Then, a pleased light twinkled in his eye and he practically preened. “You’ve grown a backbone, I see,” He licked his lips, eyes glazing over. Toshi brought his hand up to punch him again when his wrists were clapping back against the vending machine and lips were covering his.

Eyes widening in disbelief, he tripled his efforts to get out of this hard and forcible embrace. His limbs trembled with the effort as he pushed and pushed against the inappropriate invasion of his mouth. 

When it felt like he was getting results and was finally on his way to push Sougo off him all the way, amazingly, Sougo and his invading lips vanished in the blink of an eye. Which wasn’t his doing, he knew for sure.

He blinked and blinked, before he turned his eyes to where Gintoki was holding Sougo against the wall with a veined, quaking hand clenched around Sougo’s throat. 

“Gintoki?” Toshi voiced in a hollow voice, because no fucking way did that just happen. His boyfriend did not just see his past molester force a kiss on Toshi. This was mortifying on all the fucking levels. 

His teacher didn’t look back at him. He just kept glaring at Sougo. Sougo, who was being choked quite actively, looked back at Gintoki with a pretty calm facade. 

Toshi knew these two testosterone-filled sadists were facing off because of him but he really needed this shit to get over with. No cock-fighting was going to happen because of Hijikata Toshiro, manly-extraordinaire.

Okay, so he wasn’t that manly. Whatever.

He walked over to where his teacher and the bane of his existence faced off and because he knew words wouldn’t help-- “Toshi, go back downstairs, I’ll deal with this,” Gintoki was saying oh so helpfully-- he put both hands on his boyfriend’s chest and pushed him off.

Gintoki, not expecting _ that _ , staggered backwards and looked at Toshi with a real, betrayed look.

“What the fuck, Toshi?” He asked breathlessly, stunned.

Suddenly, Toshi didn’t think what he just did was a good idea. He glanced at Sougo who was leaning against the wall, touching his bruised throat while watching Gintoki warily. 

“You could’ve killed him,” Toshi reasoned. “He may be an asshole but he doesn’t deserve to die.”

“Fuck! That!” Gintoki turned a righteous shade of red and growled out: “Who the fuck is he in the first place?!!”

“Um,” Toshi was stuck. Should he explain the terrible, hellish existence in his life that was Sougo Okita and burn Gintoki’s anger all the more higher or just dismiss Sougo as an errant mosquito that tried to suck his lips off? “I don’t know. I don’t know him.” The latter it was. “He just came up to me and went all: Oh, you’re hot, give me your number and when I said no, he--”

“Hijikata-san,” Sougo interrupted him in a clear, distinct voice that spoke volumes about his familiarity with Toshi. “Who is he? And why does he call you Toshi? Without honorifics even …” A smirk bound his lips once again. “My, my, you two must be close.”

“Yeah, we are! He’s my boyfriend. What’s it to you, dipshit?!” Gintoki yelled.

Oh god, Toshi could already see where this was heading. They were gonna cause an uproar again, but in a hospital this time.

“And while we’re at it, don’t you dare touch him again!”

Toshi massaged his temple to allay the headache and embarrassment that was coming so easily to him now.

Sougo shrugged. “But he likes me touching him, so I’ll do it as many times as I like,”

“No, he doesn’t! Also, before I bust your head on the floor, tell me who the fuck you are and how the hell you know Toushi?”

“Well,” Sougo eyed Toshi, who was hunching over himself, bracing himself for the outcome of the truth finally being revealed when surprisingly, Sougo opted to say: “I'm an old classmate of Hijikata-san here and I was just, you know, checking him out.” A dastardly smirk curved his lips then. “With my mouth.”

Gintoki’s stricken look got replaced by the pissed-off one that made his eyes appear red and it almost looked like the man was gonna try to choke Sougo once again so Toshi stepped between the two of them and stopped Gintoki from charging into a fight he'd just regret later on.

“It's okay, it was just a forced kiss,” Toshi said in a reassuring way, though his words just made Gintoki look more irritated. “He means nothing to me-- just a pest, really-- so don't lose your mind over it so much. It's all just fine.” He grabbed Gintoki’s hands beneath his and rubbed them over and over. “Please. Just forget about it.”

Gintoki looked at him-- his eyes a large pool of amber simmering and seething and boiling just beneath the surface-- and Toshi, unable to help himself, leaned forward and kissed him right there in a public place with all the world and their Grandma to see if they liked.

But it just felt so right to do this then. To assure Gintoki with warm bodily contact while giving a big fuck you to Sougo watching them from the back.

Gintoki grabbed him by the waist and pulled him closer, responding to the kiss after a moment’s hesitation. 

Toshi brushed his hands past Gintoki’s ear, cupped his cheeks and warmly let the soft and dreamy kiss melt him all the way, even to the very steely core of him.

And the world, Okita Sougo included, were forgotten. 

(For a time.)


	17. Deception AKA lying is a bad thing, you know

Hijikata Toshirou was lying to him.

Blatantly. Over and over again.

Gintoki was aware that certain uncomfortable, intimate truths had been omitted right in front of his eyes but this-- this whole thing had transcended to such a level that Toshi was legitimately hiding things from him by giving him bare-faced white lies.

And Gintoki, don't get him wrong, he was fuming. He was out of the world furious about it and about the stupid smirky shithead who'd stolen kisses out of his boyfriend.

Oh, he could just crush the tiny man under his foot, if he wanted.

But.

And this was a very small, iffy but.

But Gin also, knew that he had to keep a tight leash on his anger. He knew how he got when his emotions got out of control. He was inconsolably like the devil himself when he lost it and Toushirou was smart enough to be aware that Gintoki’s fury needed to be alleviated immediately and with any means possible.

Which meant they were stuck in a hospital storage room, limbs intertwined, hands grasping at each other’s shirt as they kept trying to suck each other’s tongue off.

Gintoki had no patience for the foreplay part of it-- his head kept flashbacking to that moment he'd found Hijikata pushed back into the vending machine with another body forced over him-- no, not just hovering in an intimate posture over Toshi-- no, no, they were full-on kissing. 

And the minute he'd seen the man over Hijikata roll his hips forward in a deliberate motion of fucking, Gintoki’s vision was shrouded in a haze of unmistakable blood-red. Deep, rich red that had no way of being rubbed off anytime soon. 

Feeling a sudden burn of aggravating jealousy, he put his palm against Hijikata’s front and started rubbing against the bulge over and over again, forcibly and without any hint of slowing down. Hijikata let out a bitten down cry against his mouth and exhaled large puffs of breaths against his jaw.

Gin’s gritted teeth somehow unspooled themselves until his mouth was pulling up in a picture of triumph but inside, the annoying buzz of that flashback kept pricking his mind like a bad migraine. God, he needed to forget that moment-- needed to remove it from his memory with bleach. 

Whatever happened with Toshi before with that guy-- and Gintoki was sure he was Hijikata’s former and apparently current molester-- didn't mean that good-for-nothing blackmailer could lay his paws on what was  _ his now _ . Grunting against the outrage rising out of his throat, he transferred his right hand to Hijikata’s rear, grabbing the curve of delicious, meaty ass in one hand while with the other, he explored the chest in front of him. Their fronts squeezed together, rutting forward in a frantic rhythm as Gintoki found and twisted Toshi’s nipple through his t-shirt. 

Toshi whimpered in his arms, his own hands coming up to clutch at Gintoki’s back. 

“You like that?” Gintoki asked in a filthy tone, not knowing where the words were coming out of but relishing them nonetheless. He forced Toshi to thrust into his cock with his one hand and pinched the nipple between his fingers with his nails and some force.

Whines stifled on wet tongue answered him, soothing a little bit of stung pride and twinges of rage that broiled underneath his chest like a tumor. 

Done with taking this moderately slow, he unzipped Hijikata’s pants, pushed them down past Toshi’s knees and took his thighs in one arm each. 

“Wha-- wait,” Toshi huffed out, startled by the hasty motions that had him clinging to Gintoki’s shoulder. He was flushed from head to chest, trying to recover his breath and his eyes were half-lidded with heat. But still, he wasn't completely gone, which was irritating to Gintoki, who wanted his boyfriend to completely to give in to the whole experience. It was the least he could do after letting that smirky boy near him.

“What?” Gintoki questioned impatiently.

“We need lube,” Toshi pointed out, frowning. “Or else, we’re not fucking.”

Gintoki rolled his eyes. “I'm pretty sure you're stretched out from yesterday’s fuck,”

Toshi started to scowl, “Do you even know how much it hurts without lube?”

Gintoki heaved out a long-suffering sigh. “Yes, yes, dear,” He loosened his hold around Toshi’s thighs and let him down until he was standing once again and then, turned towards the various boxes lining the shelves around them. This was a storage room, after all.

Eyes swooping over the boxes, Gintoki snapped his fingers when he spotted plenty of small bottles of lotion in a box right away. He took one out and showed it to Toshi, who crossed his arms and drew his lips into a disapproving pout.

“Those burn,” He offered the feeble protest in a small voice, probably knowing how childish he sounded.

“Yes, well, dear, circumstances being as they are, we’ll have to make do,” Gintoki said with a sigh, not knowing how he was able to humor Hijikata’s prissiness and keep such a tight leash on his impatience at this point. He was rock-hard and dripping sweat from all his pores. How was he not stumbling over everything, trying to keep things moving fast?

“Since when did you start calling me ‘dear’?” Hijikata demanded snootily. “And can you stop?”

Well, there was his answer. Toshi melted his aggravation with his silly pouts and his humorous snobbery. 

_ But this won't last long _ . 

He went to Hijikata and pulled him into a kiss-- with their lips melded together, tongues playing with each other and then, Gintoki put more pressure into it, which turned Toshi into putty in his arms quite easily.

Into their mouths, Gintoki gave it his all, pushing and pursuing with an increasing madness that was putting a frenzy in how he handled Toshi’s body. Clothes were shed in a hurry with frenzied hands brushing past exposed limbs-- through lean but strong shoulders, past a toned, tapered waist to the naked rear that kept calling out to him so sweetly.

In a crooning tone, it invited. With its meaty flesh fitting perfectly to his calloused palms, it lured. 

“Toshi,” He clenched his boyfriend’s ass and groaned whisper-soft and raspy. “Turn over,”

Hijikata, who was panting out billowy, warm breaths across his chest, lifted his head to carefully study Gintoki’s expression. Whatever he saw there shut his mouth close real quick before he obeyed the order for once without cheek.

Gintoki checked out Toshi’s back with a smile suddenly twitching on his mouth.  _ Damn _ .

They should do this more often.

Toshi’s spine called out to him and so he answered the call with one hand gliding past the column of arched flesh in a straight line down. 

An intense shudder rolled through Toshi’s trembling frame in response and suddenly, Gintoki’s impatience returned full throttle.

A red haze covered his vision. Cutting off any reasonable thought that could have entered his mind. He squeezed Toshi’s ass and opened him right up, inspecting the pink, juicy hole he'd been plundering with delight just the day before.

“G-Gin?” Toshi peeped out, glancing behind him with a nervous look gathering in his shadowed denim-blues.

A bastard smirk sharpened his features as with amber glowing out of his eyes, he let his fingers dip through the crevice between Toshi’s buttocks.

A strangled gasp spurted out of Hijikata.

Gintoki’s smirk widened as he went further inside, surrounded by the tantalizing warm grip of his hole.

“Y-you stupid teacher,” Toshi whined. “Use the goddamn lotion, would you? It’s right there in your hands!”

“You're such a pansy ass, you know that?” Gin shook his head and pulled the top of the lotion before pouring a dollop of it in his hands. Then, he went inside again with slick fingers, pushing loads of it all the way inside, pushing in and in and in until Toshi shook and hitched on his toes. 

“A-Ahh!” Hijikata sputtered.

“Shhh,” Gintoki pulled his front forward and connected it all the way to Toshi’s back, his fingers still doing their stretching around the hole. With his mouth grazing the flushed ear of Toshi, he whispered. “I haven't even gotten started yet, Toshi-kun.”

“Oh, fuck you,” spat out Toshi with none of the vigor.

“Good boy,” smiled Gin, wrapping one hand around Toshi’s cock and giving a nudge upwards inside Toshi. Another shudder shook his boyfriend to the point that he bit on his lips to keep himself from shouting. Gintoki thrust his hips forward, bucking into Hijikata’s hips erratically.

“Let's get this show on the road,” He muttered, pulling his fingers right out of Toshi’s moderately slick and stretched out hole that gave a twitch in protest at his extrication. 

He licked his lips, lined up his cock against Toshi’s small, tight hole and then pistoned his hips forward again, in a precise jut this time.

“Ahhh,” Toshi scream-panted out as Gintoki sliced straight into him with his pulsing cock. Without hesitation, his left hand went up and slapped on Toshi’s loud mouth, muffling the noises until they came out at a lower register so the whole fucking hospital didn't just up and notice.

Then, with his other hand, he yanked Toshi closer to his cock, pressing him backwards until their sweaty, flushed skins were in full contact. With Toshi’s head tipping back to rest on his broad shoulders, Gintoki started the rhythmic pace. 

Under his left hand, Toshi bit out curses for all he knew but it was good that he was covering that loudmouth or else, who knew what kind-of noise he'd be making. At the very least, Gintoki had some self-control. Hijikata, being fresh to this, was extremely sensitive and thus, responded beautifully with his amazing body.

When Toshi’s hands went and dug into his forearms, he allowed himself respite and closed his eyes to feel the close clutch of Toshi’s hole, the twitch it gave at a sporadic tempo and the involuntary bucking of his hips that caused Gintoki’s perfect rhythm to break little by little.

_ Damn brat.  _ He said with eyes squeezed shut, gritting his teeth against the overwhelming feelings attacking him in an onslaught.  _ There's a reason he moves me like no other person could. _

With a jerky roll of his hips and a shift of his feet, he stopped trying to support Hijikata’s weight onto him and watched with an almost sadistic satisfaction as Toshi faltered, stumbled and fell head-first over.

Or he would have fallen over if Gintoki’s hadn't gripped his hips in time and pushed inside him with such force that Toshi moved onward with his thrust, hands coming up to slap against the wall in front of him.

“H-hey,” Now, he was bent over just right, his spine fully on display as it arched just at the right slope. Toshi turned his face sideways and glared back at him. “What's the big idea? What are you trying to do?”

“What do you think?” Gintoki rhetorically asked, tightening his grip on Toshi’s hips just enough that he knew he had a good hold. He then pushed Toshi’s hips upward until his boyfriend’s toes were the only thing connecting his feet to the ground.

“Hey, bastard! That's going too far!” whined Toshi, his legs convulsing from the strain of bending over on his toes. 

“Sorry, Toshi,” Gintoki said, eyes fixed on the tan flesh raised up all for him to devour. “I just can't stop myself from taking it too far,”

Toshi stopped whining and moaning. He halted everything and turned to give Gintoki a dubious look.

“You're still mad about that guy, huh?” questioned Hijikata with fast, heavy breaths overriding his words, chest heaving up and down.

“I know, right?” Gintoki shrugged and jerked his cock out, causing Toshi to grunt. “I really am sorry about that,” He groaned out and speared through the furrowed, twitching opening with force. Pulled back. Pushed in again. All while Toshi panted and cried at the haphazard jabs being fed into him. 

His long and thick cock seared all kinds of hot, scorching paths inside Toshi’s ass, building and building on the heat forming at base of his spine. God, it felt so good! But he had to block those feelings out of his mind. All of this would end too easily, too fast if he let himself give in to the frenzy of the moment.

With Toshi making all kinds of noises out of his bitten down mouth and the slapping noises of his balls hitting right below Toshi’s ass, it was damn near implausible but he fought the tide of heat juddering through his system. 

He pulled on his restraint and fucked Toshi over and over, cock reaming through the loosening, stretching hold of Toshi’s ass. 

God, it was such a sight.

“G-Gin,” moaned out Toshi, for once looking out of sorts. His head hung down, his arms strained from their outstretched position and his shoulders shook with effort. Gintoki gave another piston of his hips and a cry answered him. “F-fuck! S-st-stop it,”

“Are you sure?” Gintoki asked with a quirk of his brows, all the while sweat dripped down his temple and nose. God, he was close! 

“Don't you like it when I take my time on you?”

Hijikata shook his head vehemently. “I ne-never said that!” He uttered with difficulty.

“Oh, sorry,” Gintoki let go his hips and let one hand grasp Toshi’s cock while he stuffed his cock right down Toshi’s inside passage, exactly like a plug. “I guess I inferred it from how beautifully you respond to my torturous pace.”

Hijikata twitched and trembled in his grip, teeth releasing his puffed-up, bruised mouth until they were wide open in a silent cry. His frame convulsed for a whole minute as he came in Gintoki’s hand in spurts.

He watched Toshi recover and once he felt like he'd given the boy enough time to do that, he pulled Toshi up, turned him around until his back was against the wall. Wrapped his arms around Toshi’s thighs and nudged him until exhausted legs wrapped leisurely around Gin’s hips. With one look down the length of their bodies, Gintoki smiled and shoved up.

It took a few tries to get inside but once he did, the way Toshi’s body reacted to his penetration was a sight surely to be seen. It was like fireworks spread all over his body, sparking up different areas until he was alive in Gintoki’s arms once again.

With eyes squinting in the dark storage room, he watched the play of expression on Toshi’s face as he fucked into his used hole. With every jerk, Toshi responded like a pornstar, heck, better than a pornstar. His eyebrows would furrow regretfully when Gintoki took out his cock and then, they would relax in a look of contentment and pleasure as Gin went back in. Hell, he would get so into being fucked out of his mind that his neck would arch back.

_ How did I get so lucky?  _ He wondered as his gaze slid down until it landed on Toshi’s puffy lips that were pursed and would fall open at different moves from Gin’s arsenal. 

“God,” Gin gritted out, shutting his eyes as he felt close to the very edge. He leaned his head close to Toshi’s face and captured his lips in a lock, thrusting jerkily up, up, and up in last-second desperation.

His seed shot straight up Toshi’s hole and he groaned, knowing that was a mistake but not finding it within him to really feel guilty for it. 

There was just something to be said about marking what's yours by coming all over inside it.

Toshi’s shallow breaths sounded right in his ear and he released those thighs until they were both falling on the ground-- him on his knees and Toshi on his ass.

“Ow!” Toshi yowled, thighs spreading apart as he sat.

“Wait,” Gintoki went and raised Toshi’s hips until they were level to his gaze. 

“What are you doing, pervert-teacher?” Toshi asked, looking tired, trying to kick at his head.

Gintoki didn't answer, just kept a tight grip on those hips and waited until he saw creamy-white cum slither out of Toshi’s hole. His cock gave a twitch and the red haze vanished instantly at the sight.

Satisfied, he poked a hand through the mess dribbling out of Toshi’s ass onto the floor and said nonchalantly: “Sorry, Toshi-kun but gotta clean this before you dress up.”

Smiling, he looked up to see Hijikata blushing a crimson-red, eyes wide in mortification.

Gin laughed, which made Toshi look angry so he stopped himself.

“It's okay, it's okay,” He reassured his boyfriend, inclining his head back. “Trust me, this is nothing so let me deal with your ass for a few more minutes, would you?”

Hijikata glared daggers at him, his eyebrow twitching before he thought better of shouting his ire at Gintoki and sagged back into the wall, sighing heavily.

“Do whatever you want,” The exhausted Hijikata-san said in an affectionate, long-suffering tone, eyes raised up to the ceiling and body slack.

_ Good boy.  _ Thought Gintoki with his eyes gleaming in the shadows.

  
  
  
  


They dressed up and headed to meet up with the rest of the gang. Otae stood outside of Kagura’s room and waved them inside when they reached.

Kagura sat on the thin, small hospital bed with a drip going out of her forearm. Her forehead was wrapped up in bandages and she looked sullen, of all things.

“You know, you got out of that situation so easily because we helped out,” Gintoki grumbled at her with crossed arms. “It wouldn't have turned out quite so favorably if you’d fought him one-on-one.”

Kagura took one baleful look at them, sniffed and whipped her head aside with her nose jutting up. “It's just lecture after lecture here. I'd rather gargle acid than listen to any more of these condescending ‘you-should-be-glad’ attitudes. Especially from you, Gin-sensei.”

Shinpachi, who stood opposite Gin and Toshi’s position, at Kagura’s left shoulder, scratched his head and laughed sheepishly.

“Well, it's a good thing the whole thing didn't blow out of proportion.” Shinpachi said, in that placating way of his. “I mean, that plate really was worth a lot. We could've been arrested right off the bat because of that.”

“It's not too late for that, you ignorant brats,” Otae warned, glaring at Gintoki as if this had been all his fault. He didn't do anything! He had been prepared not to touch even the nose of that humongous manual labor guy from the museum. Except his fist had slipped right into that guy’s cheek when he had seen him toss Toshi unceremoniously to the side like a rice bag. 

Something about the sight of it-- even knowing that Toshi wasn't hurt, physically or mentally-- had raised his hackles. It had felt wrong, somehow. 

Somehow, it had irked him. Burned him right where he stood.

Most of his students knew how to take care of themselves, especially Hijikata.

But it all came to down to the simple fact-- a surprising fact-- that Gintoki was a little possessive about Toshi. So if anyone were to bully Toshi, send him flying, force a kiss on him, make him crazy, they'd have to be prepared to face Gin-sensei’s wrath.

And this blackmailing, sneaky smirky little shit did the most to  _ his _ Toshi-- he drove his Toshi crazy, made him  _ want _ without knowing why, gave him nightmares.

Yes, Gintoki knew about the nightmares. For the past three months since they'd made up, they had sex a lot and sometimes, Toshi would pass out of sheer exhaustion right on Gintoki’s bed. Gin didn't mind it. He loved caressing his hair, smelling his unique scent and watching his expressions change during sleep.

Except when Hijikata dreamt of that boy.

His blood boiled to hear those tortured moans and the half-hearted “stop it!” cries.

Everything about the way Toshi grasped at Gintoki’s shoulders to push him off during those dreams agitated him.

_ Why _ ? He would ask himself. Restraining himself, he would wonder:  _ Why has that guy made such a big impression on Toshi that he dreams of him constantly? _

Well.

He would find that out and more.

He had the name of that bastard, after all.

Okita Sougo. 

His search into Fujiidera High had given him that just yesterday. It had been quite the popular incident in a small town where not much happened. When you wrote Hijikata and Fujiidera together on google, the result gave him exactly the type of information he needed.

And some more.

“That reminds me, what did Otose-san say anyway? Do you think we’re out of the woods, Gin-sensei?” Shinpachi asked, looking overly concerned for someone who wasn’t even involved.

Gintoki grimaced and replied: “She says we have to apologize sincerely to the museum curator-- it won’t fix the plate but they’re pretty generous so they’ll let it go if we do that.”

“Well, that’s good,” Shinpachi admitted, nodding sagely.

Gintoki and rest took some time to process all that had happened this day and then, Gintoki took two steps back and announced:

“I’m a little famished so I’m gonna go get myself some grub,” He pointed behind himself as he said this, avoiding meeting Hijikata’s gaze, in case the boy read his intentions exactly. “Anyone else here want something?”

“Sister and I already ate,” Shinpachi shrugged. 

“They’re bringing my food here,” Kagura said.

“I’ll go with you,” Toshi said, walking up to the Gintoki with a serious look on his face.

Guh. That plan backfired.

Okay, well, maybe, he’ll search for that Okita Sougo later. 

  
  
  


While at the hospital cafeteria, they ate amongst an awkward, tense atmosphere.

Stilted conversations about Kagura and classes were made.

Hijikata gave him a look every once in a while, which was a blend of knowing and indecipherable confusion. When they were done eating, Toshi put down his bowl and chopsticks, crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair while giving a chilling look to Gintoki.

Which was entirely too unfair. Who was the one lying to whom, again?!

So Gintoki, in a tinge of irritation, leaned back with his arms crossed and stared down Toshi with  a stubbornness that itched.

Toshi rolled his eyes, scoffing.

Gintoki’s face twitched.

“Why aren’t you getting over what that guy did?” Toshi finally inquired.

“Would you get over it in one day?” Gintoki simply asked back.

“Look, he was a mosquito,” Toshi explained. “I’d have swatted it before you interjected and you’d have been none the wiser. It’s barely a blip in my consciousness.” 

Like that would’ve made it better. A tic developed above Gin’s eyebrows.

“Oh?” He asked, a sarcastic smile taking hold of his face. “Is that so?”

Toshi’s own eyebrow twitched. He glared. “You know what I’m feeling right now? You know what has occupied the whole entity of my consciousness? You know what I dream about day in and day out?” When Gintoki continued to stare blankly, uncomprehending and unflinchingly irked, he answered his own question: “You. You occupy my brain. You make my heart race. Your kisses are the ones that tingle on my lips. Your--” He looked around at the people occupying the cafeteria and lowered his voice, leaning in, eyes coolly defiant and determined. “The way your body feels against mine is what has been imprinted in my memory. Not his. 

“I’m not lying when I say he’s a pest to me,” Hijikata stated, his face sincere, his eyes soft and earnest as they connected with Gintoki’s.

Gintoki blinked. Blinked again.

Those were a lot of words Toshi had just dropped on him and surprisingly, it was undoing him little by little. Step by step, It was dousing the flames collecting on the surface of his skin. Making him cool down, melt and fade while falling into Toushirou’s straightforward denim-blue eyes. 

As if feeling Gintoki melting before his eyes, Hijikata smiled and grabbed Gintoki’s hand.

“I love you,” 

For a minute, time stopped and both of them froze where they were. They stared at each other, wondering where those words had slipped out of. 

And suddenly, Gintoki realized those words had been uttered from the tip of his own tongue.

Oh.

Oh shit.


	18. Matchless ft. are we moving too fast?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry! I was dealing with a writer's block and then, depression hit and i realized that it was because i was like running away from everything. and suddenly, i cried like three times in a week and i realized stuff too and so this chapter may sound melodramatic to you cuz it overflows from raw feelings. so.  
> (also before you ask, yes, i planned this chapter way before but i never expected this particular part of the story to move so fast-- or for it to be packed with emotions-- i planned to take my time with introducing someone you know very well from Toshi's arc in Gintama) Except I didn't feel interested in other characters. I'm just focusing on Gintoki and Toshi for now. And trying to bring them closer to closure.

 

For a minute straight, they stayed in that position, silence overcoming their table.

Then, as if startled out of a nighterror, Hijikata jolted and removed his hand from above Gintoki’s. He looked dumbfounded, as if someone had just slapped him on the face. Eyes wide, he looked down at his lap and cleared his throat.

“Um,” He said in that puppy-dog stilted way of his. “Th- thanks,”

_ There’s a reason _ , Gintoki thought while cursing himself,  _ that me and Hijikata haven’t confessed to each other yet. There’s a reason why we’ve been doing it in the most roundabout way. _

Gintoki brought a hand up and scratched his head, laughing nervously. “Ahahaha. Wow. Did I just say that? I meant-- by that, I meant-- um…” Toshi’s panic-ridden face faded to a considering look as Gintoki struggled to shrug away the unmentionable. “You know, I don’t really know what I was saying. It just totally slipped out. I didn’t really--” What? Was he really gonna casually dismiss the idea of-- of-- of loving Hijikata Toushirou. That just seemed as impossible as standing accused of being the first to confess.

What was it that one of his friends had told him? “The one who confesses first is the sore loser.”

A bitterness welled up in his chest as he averted the piercing eyes of his studiously silent boyfriend-- who was apparently his student, too. Wow, he’d forgotten all about that. 

“Sorry, just forget it--” Gin said with a wave of his hand.

“Uh--” A hand moved in his peripheral and Gintoki’s hand was grabbed once again, slammed against the plastic table. “No. Just. Listen.” Toshi opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. “I--” That one word came out so strained, so convulsive that Gin’s heart tugged in sympathy. He understood the confession had come out of the blue. Unprepared and hassled, Toshi was trying for his sake to give some kind of answer, but he wasn’t ready.

Gintoki hadn’t even known he was ready either. 

Still, he needed to alleviate the tension between them somehow.

“Ah, it’s okay, I don’t really… ” Gin assured Hijikata, who was looking pained by his effort. “It was a slip of the tongue, that’s all.”

Toshi looked like he was gonna protest the reassurances when a highly amused voice interrupted their awkward one-on-one:

“Wow, I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry,”

Toshi’s expression went stricken while Gintoki let the nervous awkwardness inside his ribcage be replaced with pure hot rage as he looked up into the face of The Kiss-Stealing-Molester from before. Appeared out of nowhere, he stood between their table, looking smirky and annoying, with a mellow sort-of woman by his side.

Gintoki’s attention flickered to the woman in curiosity because she appeared too soft to be hanging out with a bastard like Okita. She had soft light brown hair bound in a bun at the back and she was sticking unnaturally close to Okita. Actually, now that Gintoki was looking closely, those two standing side-by-side looked to be related. And she was wearing the hospital gown.

“Mitsuba-sensei?” Toushi inquired, letting go of Gintoki’s hand and standing up to regard the woman at Okita’s side. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, is it Toshi?” Mitsuba said with a smile, tilting her head. “I didn’t think I was ever going to meet you again,”

“Are you alright?” Toshi looked at her up and down with concern furrowing his brows.

A small, delicate hand rested on Hijikata’s shoulder while this “Mitsuba-sensei” gazed into Toshi’s eyes with a softened browns. “Don’t worry about me, Toshi. Tell me more about yourself. I worried about you after what happened,”

 

Gin was aware this Mitsuba-sensei was the exact same person Toshi had inadvertently admitted to crushing on. If his jealousy of Okita was a burning, angry thing-- his jealousy of Mitsuba with his Toshi was an incomparable hurt. He swallowed through a tightened throat and didn’t dare look at Toshi’s profile while he conversed with the woman he was infatuated with. 

She was the whole reason he had been able to be blackmailed by Okita in the first person. She was the reason he couldn’t stay in that former school of his. She was the reason…

Gintoki clenched his fists by his side and opened enough of his hearing senses to let the words being exchanged between them slip into his consciousness.

“Lung disease?” Toshi inquired keenly. “What kind?”

“You shouldn’t concern yourself with this--”

“What kind?” demanded Toshi in a voice that brooked no other argument.

She sighed. “You wouldn’t know of it. I just-- it’s depressing to talk about it right after we meet.”

“Is it really bad?”

Gintoki finally lifted his gaze to stare at the back of Toshi’s head. The urgency in his tone was one he was unfamiliar with. Something he hadn’t ever been on the end of. But he wasn’t exactly jealous anymore. Well, maybe, a little. But more than that, he was concerned. Because Okita, the smirky molester standing beside them, was quiet and sad. Which was such a distinct change in demeanor that something told him this whole situation was more serious than he had believed it to be. He stood up and stayed behind Toshi, trying to read Okita’s face instead of Mitsuba’s reluctant one.

Okita’s eyes that had been surveying the floor in downcast interest noted Gintoki looking at him and gave a weak sneer that twisted his features in a weird way. The contortion of those features appeared so unnatural that it gave Gintoki a jolt in his chest.

“How long?” Toshi almost breathed the question, he sounded so winded for someone standing exceptionally still.

“The doctor gave his prognosis today, um…” Mitsuba looked away from Toshi’s gaze, obviously reluctant to reveal more.

“A few months,” Okita finally said, filling the pockets of his trousers with his clenched hands. When Toshi looked at Okita too, Okita shrugged. “I figured since you showed here by some dumb luck, I should at least let you meet my sister before she… before it gets worse.”

Mitsuba looked at the floor with sadness marring her features.

“B-but that’s… you seemed fine all those months ago?” Toshi asked, disbelief and denial warring each other across his face.

“Really?” snorted Okita bitterly. “She looked fine to you? You’re really blind, aren’t you, Toshi?”

“Sougo, please,” Mitsuba said, resting one hand on Okita’s shoulder.

“What? You want me to shut up now?” snarled Okita, looking furious disturbingly at Toshi. “Finally, when this piece of shit is right in front of us? By the way, did you know he’s already replaced you with another teacher? Isn’t that nice? Seems like he has a teacher-kink and that’s all you were to him.”

“What the fuck?” Toshi sputtered out, looking like Okita had punched him in the chest.

“Please! Stop!” yelled Mitsuba, clutching at Okita’s arm as she coughed.

“Mitsuba--” Toshi reached out to help her as her knees buckled under her hospital gown. She looked like a delicate daisy waiting for one blow of the wind to push her past her skeleton-like body.

Okita stopped Toshi’s hand from touching her by covering and holding her tightly to himself. He glared reproachfully at Toshi before he dropped his chin into Mitsuba’s hair and whispered to her: “Come on. Let’s get to your room. You shouldn’t strain yourself.”

Mitsuba curled into Okita’s body and nodded feebly before looking straight at Toshi. “I’m at room 164. I’d love if you’d visit me before you leave here.” She said breathily. Then, her head turned unexpectedly in Gintoki’s direction and she nodded at him in greeting, some kind-of curious wariness shining beneath her olive-shaded eyes. “You too, I guess.”

“Come on,” Okita cajoled his sister and she nodded, letting him lead her bodily out of the cafeteria.

Gintoki watched them go and then, eyed the silent, still figure of his boyfriend. The boy, for once, appeared untouchable to him and that gave him a tight feeling in his throat.

“You should visit her,” Gintoki murmured before looking away, lest he break his own heart by noticing something about Toshi’s expression that wasn’t for him. It felt like he was standing on a tilted ground. Unsure. Lost. He cleared his throat when he felt Toshi’s eyes on him. “I have to go check on Kagura but you can--”

“She told me to come with you,” Toshi interrupted softly, something strangely soft and loving about his tone. Was that tone for him? Or her?

Something inside his heart was turning ugly and warped like a gnarly tree bent out of shape. And he couldn’t let that show. 

Gintoki looked at the ground, rubbing his nose as he nodded. “Uh-huh, I could, but I mean--” He looked straight into Toshi’s eyes despite himself. He wasn’t supposed to look and he felt his inner hackles rise for a second. A second only. Except Toshi was looking up at him with warm, expectant eyes and he felt just about swallowed whole. “I’m pretty sure she was just saying that to be polite.”

Toshi shrugged. “Maybe, but I hardly even introduced you and what Okita said…” His lips twisted at the reminder and he shook his head. “He shouldn’t have said that. You’re not-- you’re not her replacement. You’re… I don’t have a teacher-kink,” He frowned. “At least, I don’t think I have a teacher-kink and even if I do, I’m sure that doesn’t mean I’m not-- doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for you.”

Gintoki felt some heavy feeling that had been stuffed inside his chest for a long while exhale and release. He let that feeling go and suddenly, he felt better-- a whole lot better about all of this. A smile curled his lips and he nodded.

“Okay,” He accepted amiably.

Toshi eyed him, checking for the honesty of Gintoki’s statement probably before he shrugged. “Let’s just finish our lunch before we go though. I feel like I need to be filled up before we confront Okita.”

Gintoki whistled. “Did you see how he burst out at you?” he snickered as he recalled while taking a seat at the table once again. “Someone has issues,”

“A sister-complex, more like,” Toshi agreed while sitting across from him and grabbing his chopsticks.

“So what is he mad at you for? Was something more going on between you and Mitsuba than I know about?”

Toshi froze and gaped at him for a bit. “Wait,” He said. Gintoki tilted his head in question. “How do you know about Okita and Mitsuba-sensei?”

Gintoki raised his brows and then, made a face. “You told me, remember?”

“But I didn’t-- I--” Toshi looked away. “I didn’t tell you everything. Not his name.” He cringed as if realizing his mistake and stared at Gintoki’s dry expression.

“Yeah, do you really think you could get away with lying to  _ me _ ? I knew he was Okita from the minute I saw him.” He admitted, leaning back. Why deny it anymore? It was better to be upfront now then regret it later.

“But  _ how _ ?”

“I googled you,” He revealed quietly.

Toshi gave him a betrayed look, which was really rich-- really fucking unfair-- coming from him. 

“What?”

“Look, you weren’t telling me the whole picture so I just found it on my own. I probably shouldn’t have but honestly, why you had to hide the bare bones of a story I was already familiar with I will never understand.”

Toshi licked his lips and looked away, tapping his knuckles against the table between them. “I see,” He said icily.

Gintoki knew Toshi wouldn’t forgive him for this any time soon so he decided to come completely clean. “You said his name in your sleep,”

Toshi weighed Gintoki with one hard look. “Oh? And that somehow gave you permission to--”

“--you don’t tell me anything,”

“I would have if you--”

“You keep hiding things and running away from the truth-- from the past-- and you don’t have to. Not with me,” Gintoki explained in a rush, leaning in, keeping his voice low enough that others wouldn’t eavesdrop. “You have to understand that.”

“Do I?”

“Stop asking rhetorical questions!” He snapped, smacking the table between them.

Toshi pressed his lips together, a displeased look masking his face as he kept his eyes averted. “I’m going to go visit Mitsuba-sensei,” He said, scraping his chair back as he stood up. “You’re not welcome.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Gintoki said angrily, bitterly waving his hands around. “I already knew that but thanks for clearing that up,”

Toshi hissed and glared down at Gintoki. “I hate you,” He let out of a strangled throat, eyes shiny with unshed tears.

And then, he walked away, leaving Gintoki to sit there while the rest of the cafeteria sneaked looks at him. Apparently, they had made a commotion while they were arguing.

Great.

Another thing to add to this shitty day.

And it was a shitty day.

* * *

  
  
  
  
  


It was maybe a hour later that Gintoki found himself lurking near room 164. With his hands in his pockets, he leaned against a wall few feet away from the half-open door of Mitsuba’s room and stared anywhere but inside. His eyes traveled from the ceiling to the nurses passing him by with a polite smile or wary eye to the nurse station counter to his right. He debated and debated and debated within himself until his head hurt but he never took a step forward or backward. He just stayed somewhere close to a limbo.

He didn’t know how long he stood there but after ticks and ticks of nothing, someone leaned back against the wall beside him and he felt their presence like a familiar shadow. An itchy, irritating shadow. 

He glanced to see Okita staring down the hallway while nonchalantly standing next to him. 

“What do you want?” He grumbled.

“He’s been in there a while,” Okita said instead of answering the question. “Aren’t you worried?”

Gintoki snorted. “You don’t know anything about me so don’t pretend to care or  _ assume _ ,”

“Oh, sure, but the way you almost choked me to death told me that you’re a very possessive person. So I wondered, you know, maybe you wouldn’t like your “boyfriend” hanging out with his ex.” shrugged Okita, his tone slightly mocking and slightly dry. “Guess I was wrong. I’m not a genius, after all. What a shame.”

“You trying to get beat down by me?” questioned Gintoki, feeling a void where his heart was supposed to be. He felt tired. Just very tired.

“No,” said Okita. “I’m trying to poke and nudge at your feelings-- trying to see how you function-- so then maybe, I can see through Hijikata’s feelings.”

“You’re really obsessed with him, huh?” 

“No, but my sister is,”

A long pause stretched before them. Almost like an eternity in which Gintoki just struggled to swallow the idea of it. Ugly. He felt ugly for feeling like this--

“I thought it was one-sided,” Gintoki said, tongue dry.

“Is that what he said?” Okita inquired, looking amused and like he knew something they didn’t know.

“So what?” Gintoki demanded, irritated beyond measure. “She had feelings for him? Is that why she reacted so strongly to you wanking him off?”

“She always talked about him. Day in and day out. Hijikata this. Hijikata that. One day, she started to refer to him as Toshi. And that was the last straw.” 

“So you blackmailed him?”

“He’ll never understand why I did it,” claimed Okita casually, crossing his arms. “He has a narrow vision, that guy. But you understand, don’t you? Sometimes, when a guy listens about another guy’s goodness so much, he wants to find that guy’s flaws. And once he finds that guy’s flaws, he wants to dig inside those flaws and flay more gore and blood out of it. I’m a sadist by nature so maybe, I went a bit far but honestly, he wasn’t complaining.”

Gintoki felt the line between his lips turn up though inside, he was hollow. “You think I’m a sadist?”

“You hide it, I’m sure,” Okita said. “But I saw the look on your face. I know that look. I see it in my reflection at times.”

“And what look is that?”

“Blood-lust,”

Gintoki swallowed a lump in his throat and gazed up at the ceiling. After a while, he forced words out of his constricted throat. “I haven’t blackmailed anyone so far.”

“Is that what you think is the worst thing anyone could do?”

“No,” He shook his head, knowing the worst thing anyone could do, he had already done.

“Yeah.” Okita nodded, point made. “Thought so.”

_ I hate you.  _ Echoed in his ears like a bell. Its return inevitable. This conversation had been pointless. All this waiting was useless.

“Well, I hope you’re not looking for forgiveness from either of us ‘cause you’re not going to get it.” Gintoki said, straightening up, taking his hands out of his pocket as he prepared himself to leave. When Toshi felt ready, he would come on his own. This had been a waste of time.

An absolute waste.

“I only need my sister,” Okita said. “I need her alive,”

“Well,” Gintoki looked down at his shoes, bobbing his head because he had nothing but consolations to offer at that. And he didn’t want to. He wasn’t in an offering mood. With pursed lips, he felt the words form and erupt out of his mouth before he could stop them from blurting: “Ever think this is karma?”

Okita stared at him, something shrapnel-sharp about his eyes. “I suppose it is,” He murmured dully. “But my sister was sick before all this.”

“I’m sorry,” Gintoki let those words be his final ones to Okita Sougo and took his leave.

  
  
  
  


* * *

“You’re avoiding something, aren’t you?” Mitsuba-sensei asked out of the blue.

Toshi stared down at his steepled fingers hanging between his spread apart knees. “Is it that obvious?”

“Well, you’ve been here for over an hour,” his former teacher said with a weak smile. “And we’ve talked about pretty much everything but that man who was with you at the cafeteria… you haven’t mentioned a peep.”

“Haven't I?”

She gave him a serious look and said: “Toshi,”

Only that one word and in those two syllables, he heard a world of things. To start with: cajoling, imploring, warning all mixed up somehow in one word. 

_ I hate you _ , rang in his ears like a bee had stung him right on his earlobe. Worst part was, it was his own voice saying those words.

He clenched his fists around his hands and trembled from shoulder up. “I’m so stupid,” He said. “I’m such a stupid asshole,”

“What happened?” Mitsuba-sensei demanded softly. He looked at her with tears welling up in his eyes and she was startled. She looked at him carefully before asking: “What did you do, Toshi?”

He frowned, shook his head, his lips trembled and then, he looked back at her with his heart in his eyes. “He’s so important to me, Mitsuba sensei,” He felt the words ripped out of him. The truth like a starburst blowing up inside his chest. He was shaking. “And in return to his ‘I love you’, I paid him back with a--”

A slap in the face would have been better than what he paid Gintoki back with. How could he be that cruel? How could he ever be forgiven? Why-- why had he let his anger and hurt transform his words from a simple ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you’? How?  _ Why? _

“Toshi,” She strained her hand toward his shoulder and patted at him lightly. “It’s okay,”

“No, it’s not,” He said, standing up, wiping at his tears with the back of his hand. “I just-- he confessed his feelings for me right there-- before you-- before you showed up-- and I didn’t--” He sat back, staring into her understanding eyes and trying to make her understand. “I don’t know how to accept something beautiful and amazing when it smacks me in the chest! I panicked and I just thought:  _ Oh, it’s too fast. _ And I’m an idiot because what? Because I was worried that he was just like the rest? That just because he researched me-- that he was just like everyone in that cursed town-- in _Fujidera_ \-- judging me for something even now I’m  _ ashamed _ of!”

Mitsuba looked at him with melancholy eyes. “You shouldn’t be ashamed, Toshi. It wasn’t your fault.”

He laughed hysterically. “Yeah, it kind-of was,”

“Look, if he loves you, he’ll understand whatever it was that you--”

“Oh no,” he exhaled, still breathily chuckling because he was fucking screw-up every which way, wasn’t he? “I ruined it. Gintoki is-- he’s like a bitten once, twice shy type of guy. He won’t-- he hardly gave me a chance when we first got together. I had to fight tooth and nail to get him to open him up-- to let me in and now it’s like--” He raked a trembling hand down his hair and exhaled shakily. “It’ll be like square one,”

He ruined it. He ruined one of the best things that happened to him.

“Shush,” Mitsuba said as he sobbed just a little. “You won him over once. You’ll do it again.”

“No,” He breathed out, clutching at his arms, feeling cold and numb. “He won’t forgive me,”

“You don’t know that,” She assured.

“I know,” He almost screeched.

“Calm down,” She said, holding out her arms and heart in pieces, loss in his throat, he fell into her weak frame and let her comfort him as best as she could. “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

“I thought we were going too fast!” He yelled aghast at himself, tears soiling her hospital gown.

“You’ll talk to him and tell him what you were feeling and he’ll understand,”

“What if he doesn’t? What if I can’t fix it?” His fears were bleeding out of him as he was consistently being stabbed over and over again by them. It had started out so messily. With Gintoki so reluctant at first because "teenagers" and then, because "I don't trust you" and when finally they were at a place where he felt content-- where they both felt content around each other-- what the fuck had he done? Why had he let such a small thing like Gintoki invading his privacy rattle him so much? Why had it affected him this way?

Maybe, because Gintoki had acted so flippant about it. Like he didn't even care that Toshi was angry at him for it. Such a cavalier attitude had churned in his gut. Made him crazy to think-- crazy enough to think that despite Gintoki's fresh confession, there were no feelings between the two of them. 

“No, no, you don’t give up until you fix it. That’s what you’ll do, okay?” She said, her voice steadily growing stronger and more determined by the minute. “You listen to me, Toshi, you don’t let love walk away. You chase after it,” She stated as if she knew exactly what she was talking about. “It’s too late for me. I once loved someone but I couldn’t say it and I made a mistake and now I can’t take it back because it’s too late-- it’s too late for me. But you? God, you’re so young and so alive-- you have chances-- you have a chance to make it right and I would give anything--”

Toshi, forgetting his own helplessness and hopelessness in the face of her resolved speech, pulled away from her shoulder and stared at her in awe.

She choked on her last words, looking close to sobbing herself but at the last moment, she seemed to have recovered her composure. “We adults-- we’re really bad at dealing with emotion. With this thing called love. We’re just pants at it, Toshi. So guys like you-- guys like you are it. You have to-- promise me you’ll go to him, talk to him, even if he stubbornly doesn’t want to listen to you, you tell him the whole truth.”

“Mitsuba-sensei…” He mumbled.

“You promise me, Toshi,” She pretty much ordered with bloodshot eyes gazing daggers into him.

_ Love is not a waiting game _ . He had heard from an old woman a long time ago. 

_ “When you feel this-- _ ” Staring at Mitsuba-sensei, Toshi realized he had heard something close to her speech somewhere before. Before-- when he for the first time had decided to confront his developing feelings for Gintoki. He remembered. Rain. Bruises on his stomach. Avoiding eyes. He had felt this wretched before. This urgent before. Maybe, today was the day that nice old neighbor of his had warned him about. Everything in his body buzzed with the truth of that.

“ _ \--this light, easy feeling when you’re with them. When you know they see you for you. When your heart skips a beat every time you see them. You have to tell them right away-- you have to or who knows what will happen tomorrow _ .”

Gulping down the feelings running haywire in his chest, he promised.


	19. Bygones but why does it hurt so much?

  


“Sougo,” His weak but sweet sister said after what seemed like forever in the quiet, empty hospital room. The sun was setting outside the window to her right and her eyes remained fixed on the purplish bruise that seemed to spread around the sky. Where before day’s light had slipped past the transparent glass, now the darkness was slowly creeping in like smoke.

Sougo Okita stood by the doorway with defeated shoulders, bowing his head in contrition and his pockets filled with burdened fists.

“Yes?” It hurt to look at his sister’s turned head because he knew she was in an unforgiving mood and that was a rare sight.

“Why do you always use me like this?” She asked without any inflection of anger or sadness. She just sounded resigned.

“Onee-san…” was the only thing he could spit out of his apologetic tongue.

“Your grudges, your hatred and your bitterness-- how many times must I accept them as my fault?” Mitsuba said, shifting her head a little to the left but not just yet meeting his eyes. No, she was going to make him suffer with the wait. Keep him guessing about her intentions-- about what really lurked in her eyes. The fear was always contempt swallowing his sister’s light brown eyes.

Could such a soft, loving woman have that look for little brother? Sougo often wondered.

“It wasn’t your fault, onee-san. Never. It was my choice. I chose to do it.” He decided to say though he wondered why he felt so numb saying it. Must be because this was something he’d said a thousand times to her before. These words were losing their authenticity even if they were the absolute truth.

Like the boy who cried wolf. The boy said it enough times that he lost his credibility.

Sougo had become the boy who cried wolf.

Mitsuba didn’t comment for a while, bracing for a trembling breath under her delicate chest before she shook her head. “I loved Toushi once, yes.” She said finally. “But I only wanted to know how he was doing now. And when I saw him, it seemed like what you did to him was a thing of the past and he was content. But why?” She looked down at her hands. “Am I cursed? How could I ruin his life again?”

“I ruined his life,” Sougo said with vigor, loudly, with determination. “And you’re being melodramatic. That idiot ruined his life himse--” Before he could finish that sentence however, she turned a wrathful look to him and he fell silent.

She pressed her lips together, calmed the storm waging underneath her eyes and said: “ _I don’t forgive you_ ; Is that what you want to hear? Do you want my dying words to be filled with pain and anger towards you? Is that how you want our relationship to end?”

“Of course not,” He mumbled, looking down at his boots and feeling the age-old sensation of the child within taking over his body. “I’d like you not to die.”

“I can’t do that,” She snapped, voice wretched with pain, tears welling in her eyes. “I’ve given you all that I could but that’s something I can’t do for you, Sougo. You know that. So don’t ask me for that.”

Right next to his shoes, on the white linoleum floor, fell two drops of his tears and he wondered what Toushi would think. What would all the people he’d annoyed, infuriated, humiliated and blackmailed think?

Probably something along the lines of: “Serves him right,”

Probably accompanying a sneer, they’d jeer: “Oh, so the sadist has a heart, after all.”

He rubbed at his wet eyes and looked at Mitsuba smiling back at him. A smile. It was such a shift from the rest of their conversation that he felt utterly unprepared for how it would hit him.

“You have to grow up, Sou-chan.” She said warmly with tear tracks lining her cheeks. Her smile was tight on her face but not forced. Not quite so forced. “I know you’re a good boy and I want you to have friends, to get along with others but I won’t be waiting here for you when you come shunning all of them. You have to--” And there, a strange expression caught her and she started hacking and coughing until blood blotted her fingers.

Panic dusted all corners of his system and he was hesitating between moving to help her or moving to call for help.

Mitsuba raised her fingers to wave at the air. “It’s f-fine,” even as she coughed.

“Get out of the way!” said the nurse from behind him as she came charging in through the open door. Toward Mitsuba nee-san, she moved to help and assist while Sougo dithered on his two capable feet like a fearful, panicked child with too-wide eyes and a gaping mouth.

And alas, he ran away.

  
  
  
  


Kagura was pretending to sleep in her hospital bed because Gin-chan had been constantly pestering her like she was his child and needed a real parental lecture just to set things straight. It was making her want to stick her tongue out at him or give him the middle finger, but she refrained because Gin-chan would hit her and hit her hard enough to set the screws loose in her head.

Some people would actually say that she already had a few screws loose but that wasn’t true. Kagura was very intropspec-- no, that wasn’t the word-- uhh, intalligibly-- no, that wasn’t the word either-- ugh, whatever, Kagura was very smart, okay. She was… um, clever! Yes, that was the word. She could see when someone was just bothering her because they couldn’t deal with their own shit. So she was suppressing all her basic urges and blatantly ignoring him via pretending to sleeping.

It was a good plan.

But here was a good hiccup of the plan she didn’t take into account.

Somewhere between the hours she pretended, the door opened and she heard footsteps approaching her bed. Since there was no noise, she was relaxed enough to dismiss it as a whole big nothing.

Nada.

Nope.

Shit.

“Gintoki,” said who she at once recognized as the voice of one Hijikata Toushirou. The inside of her head fumed as she rolled her eyes on the inside.

“I--” reluctantly began the grave-sounding boy.

“Did you have a good talk with her?” Gin-chan interrupted loudly enough that Kagura wondered if it was on purpose. “It’s been-- wow, look at that!-- it’s been four hours. Did you have a good time all these four hours catching up with your former teacher?”

“It wasn’t-- I wasn’t with her all of those four hours. I was-- I was looking for you for half an hour, at least.”

“Really? Did you not think to check in here?” Wow, what a tone Gin-chan was using. Exact replica of a spurned lover in those dramas Kagura watched with part-disgust and part-fascination.

“I did, but it was really dark in here so I thought--” A sigh. “I thought you went back to the hotel.”

“Well, I didn’t,” Gin-chan almost spat out. “You know why? Because I was waiting for you. I just had no idea you would forget all about me when you met her.”

 _No. Nooooo. Why is this happening to me?_ Kagura screamed inside her head. She didn’t want to get between a lover’s spat. _JESUS F@*$ing--_

“I didn’t forget about you,” Hijikata said, sounding a tinge bit angry. “I was-- look, I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry that I said I hate you. I wasn’t thinking. I don’t-- I don’t think you’re like the others. In fact, I--”

“Wow, and I should be grateful that I’m special, huh?” chuckled Gin-chan bitterly. “That I’m not one of those assholes who looks you up on the internet and judges your life choices. Come on, Toshi, tell me. What is it that you really hated about me looking you up? Huh? Invasion of privacy? Or the fact that I didn’t tell you about it? What? Why?”

“I don’t-- I didn’t hate it. I just-- it came as a shock to me and--”

“Why? I knew everything about you before this relationship even began. You told me with your own mouth. I didn’t force it out of you. What is it that you find so shameful that you wouldn’t even tell me the specifics-- the names, the details of how it happened?”

 _This talk is escalating into no-man’s land_ , gathered Kagura with dawning horror.

“I don’t know,” huffed Hijikata in exasperation. “Do you think I know my own mind? I have no idea half the time what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. I know I did wrong now but back then, I was just-- I was just hurt, that’s all.”

“Ah, so he says it then, huh?” Gin-chan said as if something really insightful was revealed but in a smirky, mocking way. Which Kagura was confused about. Why did it feel like Gin-chan was finding holes in a well-rounded argument on purpose? “See, this is why I was against this relationship from the start.”

“What?” Hijikata sounded shocked at the new direction their conversation had taken. Actually, so was Kagura and also, she was increasingly uncomfortable about where this was heading.

“You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t even know what you’re saying. Do you hear yourself? You’re a child, Toushi and I can’t believe I went along with this for so long.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Hijikata demanded, rage filling his words.

“I’m saying I want to break up,” There was a rustling noise that indicated Gin-chan standing up from his chair by her bedside and facing Hijikata on the other side of her bed.

Kagura wanted to cry. Why did she always end up listening or seeing these two argue? Was it some kind of luck? Did God have it out for her?

She was so uncomfortable she was sweating under the white blanket covering her from shoulder to toe.

“What?” Hijikata said again, dumbfounded to the point of not understanding. “That makes no sense. I don’t— it was just a small argument and I will accept that I’m to blame for most of it but I—”

“Toshi,” said Gin-chan, voice firm like an immovable, impenetrable wall. “It’s not just one small argument. It’s an accumulation. It’s me experiencing small hurts over and over and anticipating more of it knowing my life is intertwined with yours. It’s me giving up before I can be more hurt. It’s a rational decision I made while you caught up with your first love.”

“I don’t— Mitsuba-sensei, I don’t love her like that anymore.” A heartbreaking crack in Hijikata’s voice unraveled, heard in Kagura’s ears and definitely in Gin-chan’s ear, clear as a bell. “She’s ill, Gintoki. She won’t survive for long no matter what her doctor does or doesn’t do. So I—”

“So you wanted to stay with her, talk to her, comfort her, be comforted by her as long as you could. I get that. I understand how you feel. If it were Shouyo-sensei, if I had a chance to say goodbye too, I would grasp that opportunity like a freaking lifeline.” Gintoki ranted, his words spurring onward like galloping horses. “But this whole day reminds me that you don’t have those feelings for me.

It surprised Kagura that Gin-chan was mentioning Shouyou-sensei of his own violation. He mostly never talked about his adoptive father to anyone. It was a sad realization that maybe, this stuffy and obnoxious transfer student meant more to Gin-chan than she realized. Her fists clenched at her side as she wondered if she could do anything not to have them separate like this.

Would it help if she stopped pretending and jumped up on the bed with a “TA-DA, bet you thought I was sleeping, you jackasses!”?

Would it help?

 _No._ Her head told her helplessly. No, it wouldn’t because while Gin-chan had sat by her bedside in the dark while she appeared to be asleep, he had come to a decision. And she didn’t know for certain _why_ or _how_ that decision was made so she couldn’t exactly refute it or argue against it.

It wasn't her place.

“What are you talking about?!” Hijikata shouted, no longer caring that Kagura was supposedly sleeping between them. His voice was edged with desperation. “Do you want to hear those three words? Is that what this is about?! I’ll say it then: I love you! I love you so much, Gintoki. Let’s talk about this. Why can’t we talk about it calmly? Why are you just hurling a breakup at me all of a sudden?”

In the period following Hijikata’s imploring and puzzled words, there was a tense, pin-drop silence that almost killed Kagura. Ten times, she debated just sitting up and going: “Can you jerks keep it down? I’m trying to sleep here!”

But then, Gin-chan said, quietly enough that Kagura wondered if he even said it all: “I’m tired,”

She heard a hitch in breathing-- as if someone were just stabbed in the gut-- it came from within the chest and faltered out of the windpipe with difficulty.

“What’s so tiring--” asked Hijikata, voice a thin wobble and breath quavering. “--about me?”

“It’s got nothing to do with you,” Gin-chan said and his voice was a complete contrast-- it was unmistakable the determination and strength that ran deep underneath every word. “I’m just battered and bruised all over and I can’t take more wounds anymore. Maybe, someday, I’ll prefer loving and being loved so much it hurts but right now? I just realized I _don’t_ have it in me." A breath expelled and then, as if pleading, the emphasis: "I really don't.”

Hijikata took a step back and then, another. “So you give up?”

“I’m sorry,” Gin-chan said, gutted.

“Hah,” Hijikata stated wryly, still processing through the abrupt raising up of walls.  “Guess that’s what I get. For being naive enough to think it was you and me against the world now." A moment of distress coursed through the heavy soundlessness of the room. She heard a gulp and the wet sound of someone licking their lips before she heard: "But I’m your enemy, it seems.”

And then, all Kagura heard after a while was footsteps withdrawing and the door closing with a click behind Hijikata’s back.

Kagura, no longer able to hold back her breath (how long had she even been holding her breath?), sat up and breathed out a long sigh. Gin-chan didn’t seem shocked to see her conscious.

_Well, yeah, they were making quite the racket._

For all of Kagura’s plans, finally all she could do at that point was stare at the numb, despondent look attached to his face.

“Why did you do that?” She couldn’t help from asking.

The corner of Gin-chan’s lips turned up. “I thought with my head for once,”

“That’s dumb,” She admonished him.

“Yeah,” Gin-chan sighed, looking up at the ceiling. “But I’m good at ripping my heart out of my chest.”

Kagura could no longer find any words to say to such a hopeless man. He hit his own feet with a hammer. He would hold his feet and cry and sob about it later but right now, he was thinking it was the right decision. What could you say to that? What could make it better when you knew it was idiotic from the beginning?

She couldn’t stand the dark cloud that was hanging over this room now. She hated hospitals anyway. Sure, the special treatment had been nice. Friends had visited her and voiced their concern for her getting hurt. But the charm of it had left long ago. And with the added pressure of Gin-chan’s despair pressing down onto her shoulders, she couldn’t tolerate sitting or lying there.

She ripped the sheets off her and put her slippers on before standing.

“Where are you going?” Gin-chan asked though he sounded like he could care less. This was the result of apparently “ripping his heart out”.

 _Idiots, all of them._ She thought while shaking her head in exasperation. _Boys are such idiots._

“Fresh air!” She shouted up at the ceiling and took off without waiting for his permission.

  
  
  


Gintoki had always known that he had a fault in his code. A stain in his roots. A blank space in his heart. He was tainted by all that came before and all that would come in the future. He was content only in chaos and disaster. Any sliver of happiness or domesticity that touched his life was interrupted by moments of disruption. In his hearts of hearts, he would feel the disruption like a small static in his ear. As he laughed, he would hear the ominous noises of all his demons marching back into his life. As he enjoyed the pleasure of human connection, he would feel his earth rise and fall in the breaths he took in the dark after.

_I can never be happy._

He had two great loves in this life.

One was Yuki-- the tangerine-haired queen of his heart who chose him out of all the bastards in high school to protect and comfort. Who saw him and thought him good even though all his demons roared for a fight every minute of everyday.

And then, it was Hijikata Toushirou. An angry, bothersome child with too many issues he kept close to the heart. A boy who kissed Gintoki in the face of a conflict. A boy who surprised him and fought him and felt like an equal in all but name. A boy who was like a butterfly who flew close to him when he wanted but ran far when he didn’t want to reveal much about his wings. He saw Gintoki at his worst but kept holding onto him. Kept wanting him.

In meeting Hijikata, Gintoki had finally felt like he had found someone who would stop it all-- the static, the noise, the rise and fall of the earth. He would stop the traces of soot and crimson blood from touching him, tainting him.

Couldn’t he ever hope for that?

But it seemed, nobody could fix him. Only he himself could.

  
  


 

Sougo was climbing down the stairs when he encountered an interruption on his way. A petite vermillion haired girl in a hospital gown was sitting on one stair-- leaning against the railing with her fair-skinned legs spread out like a temperamental toddler. Between the wide vee of her thighs were all types of junk food (possibly taken straight out of a vending machine) and she was currently munching on spicy chips with a complete disregard of who stood above her, waiting to be let through.

Sougo, in no mood to deal with this shit on top of earning his sister’s contempt, snapped out: “Hey, brat, this isn’t your living room couch that you can recline here like a total imbecile while munching on candy. Didn’t your parents ever teach you manners?”

“Hunnnh?” mumbled the girl and when she looked up at him, Sougo was struck by the jarring sight of a pair of ocean blue eyes that glared up at him in wrath and confusion.

And then, bizarrely, what came out of that petite two-year child was: “Hoooo da fuq are you to shabe me like this? My modhurr? Doo jou thrunk you’de my modhurr?”

Flecks and pieces of half-eaten chips fell out of her mouth with the almost incomprehensible words. The soggy pieces on his shoulders and next to them too. Sougo looked down at her more disdainfully than before.

“You’d be lucky to have me as my mother, brat,” Sougo said with a smirk. “If you were my daughter, I’d beat the shit out of you for acting like this.”

“Oh!” The girl glared. It seemed he’d crossed some sort of line because she discarded her chips and stood up immediately to point at him with a finger. “Give me one good reason to hit you. I dare you. I’ve been in a mood since this morning and yeah, I punched a guy already this morning but it seems like old news now. I want to feel fresh blood so give me a good reason.”

“Oh? Did you draw blood? Seems like you’re the one who got the short end of the straw in that fight.” He commented. “So I’m not very confident in your abilities to go toe to toe with me. Brat.”

“Call me brat again,” She said with rage seething in her gritted jaw and her dagger-like eyes. “I dare you.”

He tilted his head, smirk broadening his face. “And I dare you to try and beat me. Spoiler alert: You can’t.”

“Deadmeat. You’re deadmeat!” She screamed before pouncing on him. But Sougo was ready for the ambush and gathered up her infantile fists in his hands. She looked up at his mocking grin and put some unimaginable strength behind her arms that tipped him off balance and had him falling backward two, three steps.

She laughed joyfully, maniacally as she popped her fists. Sougo, surprised by the strength her tiny frame seemed to be hiding, was inconsolably impressed. She was pretty-- for a brat, he thought.

And they continued their fight until some security guys had to step in and separate them.

  
  
  


“Are you okay?” Kondo asked Toshi after he spent the whole night crying his heart out into his pillow, trying to keep as quiet as possible but not succeeding in any way.

“Yeah,” Toshi said with red-tinged eyes. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Kondo turned his head to stare at Toshi with concern. “Did something happen with Gin sensei?”

Surprisingly, Toshi began to laugh. Hysterically. Loudly. For a long time. Until tears began streaming down his cheek and he was just straight out sobbing again. It was crazy. He’d completely forgotten that Gintoki was his teacher.

He’d forgotten they were supposed to be a secret.

He’d forgotten Kondo wasn’t supposed to know, but he did.

He did.

And once Toshi knew, he couldn’t stop babbling. At one point, Kondo cautiously took a seat across from him and listened intently, without once interrupting him. And in that moment, Toshi accepted Kondo as his best friend.

  
  


Gintoki and Toushirou talked once in awhile, but only as a student and teacher. The formality in their tone and words took hold of their tongues once again. Students would wonder and look at them a certain way but the silence and reserved way they refused to meet eyes was answer enough. More stubborn and bold people like Tsukuyo and Katsura questioned openly to both of them what the matter was.

“Did you do something?” Tsukuyo demanded once of Gintoki, hands on her hips, simmering with righteousness.

Gintoki didn’t answer, deflecting the topic with some talk of curriculum or her career choice, which was just one aspect of how Gintoki’s character took a complete one eighty.

“You’re seniors and now that you’re close to your graduation, you have to think carefully about what you want to do outside of this classroom.” Gintoki would impart these words some two, three months after their breakup. He would sound serious too. He wouldn’t once look in Toushi’s direction but it felt like the words were directed at him.

Toushirou would be asked: “What happened between you two?” from Katsura, who hadn’t seemed interested in their relationship at all before. But was now wholly concerned for some reason.

“Hey, don’t forget, I’m your elder by four years. And I used to be Gintoki’s friend so I know him more than most people. Don’t be afraid to share your doubts and problems about him.” Katsura would say with a holier-than-thou attitude, arms all spread out like he was giving a benediction to his favorite follower. “I’ll erase all your worries.”

That attitude was the whole reason Toshi never asked him for advice. Also, because Katsura was weird.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” Toshi would say to the concerned individuals and walk out of there so fast his tail might just be catching on fire.

He would sometimes, get hit by Kagura’s laser-beam stares from time to time and be reminded embarrassingly of how she might just know the exact details of how he was dumped.

Dumped.

He was dumped.

That was the term, wasn’t it? But it had felt like Gintoki had reached across the space between them and ripped his heart out from his chest-- with such force, such pressure.

If they could, they avoided each other, but being Toshi’s homeroom teacher required Gintoki to one day sit down with him and talk to him about his career options.

And that’s when Toshi finally got to stare into those liquid-amber eyes and wonder all the questions he had wondered on nights he couldn’t sleep.

Gintoki had seemed uncomfortable. Toshi had been unsure but mostly he still had so many questions he wanted to ask. Yet it seemed somehow, someway, the time for questions had long vanished.

When was it? When was it that this wide, yawning space gathered between them?

Why couldn’t Toshi reach across it and touch Gintoki’s chest like he once could?

“I haven’t decided,” Toshi finally filled the uncomfortable pregnant pause that had tripped Gintoki up for a loss. “I don’t really know what to do with my life,” He shrugged. “Isn’t it funny? I only know how to fight and study. I guess I can just go do some retail job while I figure it out.”

It was then that Gintoki had stopped looking uncomfortable and lost. His expression had settled into something close to introspection and with a somewhat seriousness, he had said: “I personally see you as a police officer type figure or a firefighter, maybe. Don’t take this too earnestly but I sometimes see in you a desire to serve others. A need to be needed. I’ve seen your classwork and homework-- and from my personal experience of your methods--” here he coughed. “--I can guess that you’re one of those methodical and accurate workers. You’re loyal and sympathetic. So you’d be good in any service type career-- like nursing or education or child care, for example. Police officer comes to mind mostly because of two events.

“One was when you stopped that neighbor granny from being bullied by her own asshole son. Second was when Kagura was in trouble, you jumped right in even though the guy was bigger and tougher looking than you.” Gintoki listed while looking a little droll. “And you’ve told me in the past that you can’t stand injustice and shit so--” He shrugged.

“Oh,” Toshi had said in a small voice while his heart stuttered underneath his chest.

“You don’t have to take it to the heart, but you have options because you’re good at studying and fighting.” He gave a wry smile. “They’re things you’d be really good at if you tried. You have that potential. It’s your choice, however.”

“Thank you,” was all Toshi had been able to mutter before leaving the staff room.

In the boy’s bathroom with the faucet running water down his hands and his white-sheened face staring into his reflection, he had broken down once again. He hadn’t realized after these few months ignoring and being ignored by Gintoki that he had missed talking to the man-- he had missed the wagging of his eyebrows-- the wry twist of his lips-- the way he would look at Toshi like he was weighing him, measuring him, reading him.

It was breaking his heart. He had missed Gintoki so much.

And the advice-- that advice had been so perfect it hurt. It was like Gintoki had plucked a missing puzzle out of his heart and given it back to him. Because yes, somehow, yes, he always found himself saving people without knowing it. It was in him. And Gintoki had seen it and admired that about him, hadn’t he?

He’d looked at Toshi one day telling the story of how he saved his neighbor granny and thought once upon a time: “God, I love this boy.”

He’d once thought that.

How could it all end like this?

Toshi felt his knees buckling and he fell onto the dirty, bathroom floor sobbing his heart out. Not understanding why it hurt more now than it did before.

  
  
  
  


Graduation came sooner rather than later.

It came with a pin attached to his chest and a shake of hand and a climbing down stairs and sitting on a seat surrounded by other classmates while looking longingly at Gin-sensei standing to the side with Hasegawa sensei and Otae sensei on the stage. They were chatting easily, casually. Gintoki even gave a smile or two. His classmates were jostling him in excitement.

It was all going to be over in the blink of an eye and all he could do was see the procession come to a close in a seeming paralysis.

 

 

 

“Let’s look around the school one last time,” Tsukuyo said, nudging him once they exited out of the gym where the graduation ceremony had been held.

 _One last time._ The thought hit him. His heart started beating faster on its own. Suddenly, the sense of urgency was beneath his feet and he was running.

“Toshi!” he heard his classmates shout behind him but he was out of it. He had been out of it for a while. Just traipsing through life, making choices in a half-blind, half-mute state. Numb was the condition he somehow ended up having.

But it was too cruel.

Couldn't he have one chance to say all he had kept inside his head? 

He showed up at the classroom first, looking around only to find it empty. Next, he ran for the staff room. His rushing feet staggered to a halt when he saw Gintoki walking down the hallway with Principal Otose. Gintoki was saying something, grinning, when he saw Toshi standing there with (he was sure) that _very_ obvious look on his face. The grin froze midway and the words slithered to an end.

“Excuse me, Otose-san. I have to discuss something with my favorite student. You don’t mind, do you?” said Gintoki in a hurry and grabbed Toshi hand to drag him alongside. Toshi glanced behind himself to see Principal Otose eying them, a eyebrow quirking slowly in... suspicion, he feared. But it was more close to a contemplating look.

_God, we're morons. We can't even hide this from the highest authority at this school._

Toshi didn’t know where they were going until they reached the stairs to go to the rooftop and then, he brushed the hand off him before following his former teacher to it.

“We never came here before, right? Together, I mean.” Gintoki said, a refreshing smile on his face.

How could he smile like that? If he had felt half of what Toshi himself did, how could he act like this? How could he move on and leave Toshi to keep clutching at the hole, at the ache left behind?

“Yeah,” Toshi said, staring past the facade yet frustrated at the facade anyway. Realization was a simmering pot of stew in his gut. He narrowed his eyes. “We didn’t date long enough to enjoy every part of this school together.” He said, bitterness slipping out.

Gintoki’s smile faded. “Is this what you’re here for? Lash out at me for the last time?" He angled his head to the side, crossing his arms in full-preparation for a lash-out, apparently. "Because of all the hurt I caused you?”

Toshi snorted. Almost wanted to roll his eyes. “Are you satisfied?”

“With what?” Gintoki frowned.

“You got your wish, after all. I’m graduated. No longer your student." He let his eyebrows lift with suggestiveness written all over his face. "Are you satisfied now that we don’t have something so dangerous going on to risk your teaching career here?”

Gintoki didn’t look pleased by what Toshi was implying. “Is that what you think of me?”

“I don’t believe you were ever sincere with me,” Toshi said, jutting his chin.

The yawning, wide space between them trembled and wavered in the long silence between them. The wind brushed autumn leaves through the air and birds chirped and there was a chill in Toshi’s eyes.

Gintoki sighed, brushed his hair, looked away as he said: “Fine, shit, yeah, okay. It was a burden, thinking of the moral implication of dating your student. I mean, it seems romantic and shit when you take away the real power imbalance that happens between a teacher and student but I was badgered by it constantly. I would forget about it sometimes and that would be such a relief. But I mean-- that wasn’t our only problem.”

“What was our problem then?” Toshi questioned. “You never told me specifically. Never listed it down into powerpoint bullet points.”

“That’s because it can’t be petered down into powerpoint bullet points.” retorted Gintoki, looking disturbed. “Our relationship-- it was pure. I know it. But at times, I would wonder. I would doubt. I would think it was impure-- what we did, what I did to you, it felt impure.”

“You shouldn’t use your head too much. It gives you bad ideas.” Toshi said.

“I’m not whole, Toshi.” Gintoki said, finally staring straight into his eyes. “I’m not right. There’s something about me that’s wrong all over. Everyone who comes near me-- they suffer.”

“You’re thinking like a child,” Toshi raised his voice, realizing they were once again talking like equals again. It didn’t make him happy. It just made him angrier. “You said I’m a child and that’s why you were breaking up with me but you’re the one here thinking like a child! I’m-- over and over again, I do what I feel is right-- in my own way. But you’re the one who pulls away at the first burn. How am I-- how am I supposed to deal with that?!”

“You’re not,” whispered Gintoki, miserably. Lips downturned, folds upon folds on the mass above his eyebrows. “You’re supposed to give up on me. I’m a no-good old man who’s never going to make you happy like you’re supposed to be.”

Toshi breathed in and out slowly to allay the tension and fury badgering his system. And then, as if it was nothing, he let a burning question eject out of his mouth: “So it’d be okay if I found an old man like you who does make me happy?”

Gintoki jerked his head, looking horror-struck and speechless.

“You never imagined that, did you?” Toshi asked, smiling meanly. “That I’d move on to another no-good adult like you? No, you imagined some apple-pie life for me-- with a Mitsuba-sensei lookalike and two-some kids and a house on the suburbs while I do my police duty. I know that’s how your brain decided to rationalize our breakup. Out of mind, out of heart, right?”

“That’s not how that proverb goes,” Gintoki said, a tightening around his throat straining his voice. “Out of sight, out of mind,” Gintoki whispered with hitched breaths, a disturbance happening around his eyes and mouth-- a twist in supposed truth.

“You’re so stupid,” Toshi said, glaring. “Do you know how many days I’ve cried my eyes out? Do you know how much it killed me? I thought you didn’t love me anymore and that hurt. I thought I really was the child in this relationship and that hurt. I thought we wouldn’t be together anymore and that hurt. But slowly and slowly, when I thought about it-- about how your mind works-- about how predictable you were-- about how much I liked that about you-- I thought that it didn’t make any sense. _Why so suddenly?_ _Why those reasons?_ Why did you have to end it like that?

“You just had to endure it until I was gone and you’d be okay, right? Like that proverb.”

“I _never_ \--” Gintoki swallowed past a lump and spewed out: “I never thought I’d be okay with you gone,”

It sounded like he had been keeping that little lump of venom inside him all this time. Perhaps, it was Gintoki who had been waiting for this little last farewell talk after all.

“Then, why’d you do it? Why’d you break _our_ heart?” Toshi asked.

Gintoki looked at him for an imperceptible moment lost in time, while his eyes softened little by little until at last, his true feelings were at display all over his face.

“Because I had to fix myself first before I could ever hope to have chance with you,” Gintoki answered.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Toshi questioned, baffled and angry.

“It means I have issues. I’m too possessive. I like to pretend I’m lazy but I expend too much energy caring for people-- even the worst people, I find some humanity in them and try to help them. And because I’m easily scared by the burden of attachment. And I’m sure there are way more to list. Point is, I’m a rotten apple that you just happened to pick up and like the bitter taste of. Doesn’t mean that in the end, as life moves on and time does too, you will still like the bitter taste.

“People change. Their tastes change. You have such a long path ahead of you. Who the fuck am I but some history teacher you happened to get a crush on? I’m inconsequential.”

Toshi stared. He was out of words and out of breath. He was also, out of fucks. He walked past the space-- the yawning, wide space between them-- gathered the lapels of Gintoki’s jacket, yanked him real close and gave him a full-of-teeth, too-forceful kiss that lasted about thirty seconds because he was stubborn enough to hold that painful pose to convey his point.

When they pulled apart and Gintoki eyed him like a bizarre art project, Toshi assembled a stern look on his face and said:

“I’m only going to say this once: I love you and you’re a fucking, _exasperating, frustrating idiot_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was able to write this chapter in one day because of one new comment (imagine the power you have, KingKagura!). It happened in a fast fury.  
> Um, also, about the OkiKagu tag... yeah, it's not much (but it did give me inspiration). I know. I hate it too when some stupid writer adds a ship tag and writes very minimally about it. i mean, imagine being a reader looking for some OkiKagu and coming here to read a GinHiji melodrama. Eerrgh.  
> Anyway. There will be an epilogue. A time-skip, I'm sure. And it will contain OkiKagu, I'm hoping. Also, Police Officer Hijikata Toushirou, Am I Right? (Gawd, but I love men in uniform)


End file.
